Yes I'm fat but please don't tell me if you want sex!

[Wrinklesandspotstoo]

So... I'm overweight. 5 foot 7 and a size 16. I work a stressful desk job 40 hours a week... teenage son and husband. Would generously say if the put 30 minutes to helping in the house each week I'm being very kind. I got ill last August... pneumonia followed by whooping cough for i kid you not 3 months having just taken on a new job.. prescribed all sorts of steroids several times a day just to get better... result of which I'm fatter than I'd like to be... obviously... I've seen a lung function specialist who has now said get on.. challenge yourself get back to the gym (indid three cardio
Classes a week) I've lost half a stone in 3 weeks..

Anyway so to the current evening my husband said I'll cook you a nice dinner... (first time in at least a year)

Feeling confident (big glass of wine induced) went in for a kiss and he grabbed my bum... I immediately said sorry it's fat... he never said a thing... so I said... oh.. it's bad and he said.... well it's certainly more than a handful... again (and I don't know why) I said sorry... he shrugged and said well you know what it is...

He's no Daniel Craig... now I feel shit and just don't want him near me!

I'm torn between being furious because actually he does fuck all to take care of himself or make me feel 'attractive' yet he's allowed to me me feel like a sack of spuds!!! Angry!!!

Maybe I shouldn't have posted on a Friday then!!! Maybe I just pinned my hopes on being cooked for as a romantic jesture after almost a year I'd have thought the seduction would have gone beyond the kitchen... it's ok! I do actually like me and am confident in myself if I don't have to consider making someone else want me... entertained it this evening... was slapped down... but I'll be back where I'm
Comfy not putting myself out there... and maybe I was not brutal earlier He
Grabbed my arse under my trousers and went Hmmmmm and that's where my comments came from...

You kissed him and he grabbed your ass. I don't understand how this is not him wanting you? Him saying "hmmmm" doesn't ring alarm bells either to me. I often make hmmmmm noises in an appreciative manner! He also didn't call you fat either, you called you fat. He tried to ignore you (probably to get the mood back and because there is never a right answer to the question) then just sort of brushed it off.

The handful comment was probably an (apparently terrible) attempt to defuse the situation. It's the kind of phrase often said by men who like ample arses/boobs as a bit of a jokey banter type comment. I suspect In a situation like that if he said you weren't fat you would call him a liar. It is what it is to me says you know you are bigger and I know you are bigger but whatever, I don't care. I would say he is just dismissing the question because it's not a big deal to him.

Telling someone how ugly you are is a passion killer. He should be reassuring you if you feel crappy right now but during foreplay is a bad time to ask for it. Sounds like you need to talk when not trying to initiate sex. You need to tell him what you need from him. Honestly he couldn't win in that situation and I don't think he did terribly he just didn't say whatever the magic word you wanted to hear was. Give him a chance to do it right.

Honestly he couldn't win in that situation

Bull. My DH wins when he reassures me he loves me, tells me what he loves about me whilst I can see he means it.

Doesn't mean you're always after compliments, but it's not rocket science to recognise when your partner needs to know why you love them and find them attractive.

Totally agree with Helena. I could imagine my husband responding exactly the same, simply because it didn't matter to him.

I think he could have been stuck and not known what the hell to say!

I've put on a bit of weight since meeting my boyfriend - meals out, eating together at home when I'm not that hungry and when alone wouldn't have bothered.

If I said "god my arse is fat right now" I'd actually be cross if he said it wasn't. Cross in my head rather than at him, because I'd know he was trying to be nice! But I prefer to have my feelings accepted without question! So the perfect response for me is "yeah, you've gained - still sexy as fuck though - come here!"

But I expect many women would hate that.

You know whether there's a bigger picture, not us. But I think your comment wasn't an easy position for him!

I'm perplexed. If someone grabbed my ass and went "Hmmmmmm..." I'd very much assume they wanted to shag me.

Yet OP says she was slapped down?

Am I missing a bit of the story?

I'm very fat and DH would never say anything about it and constantly tells me how much he fancies me. But if I kept mentioning my fat arse when in the middle of a session then I think even he would struggle to know what to say. What exactly did you expect? You set him up to fail as far as I can see.

I get the impression you feel like a sack of spuds, but that it wasn't him that made you feel like that. You felt that way already and hoped he would dispel it, which is rather different.

For what it's worth, he grabbed your bum. Presumably he did that because he likes it.

What did you want him to say? How did the conversation pan out inside your head?

What would have happened if you hadn't said anything? You would probably have had a great night. Dinner made, an inviting kiss, him delightedly reciprocating...

Do you perhaps, deep inside feel a degree of guilt because you know it was you that spoiled the moment, if you are brutally honest with yourself? You seem more angry than is warranted for what essentially was someone being clumsy with words, when put on the spot.

He doesn't 'take care of himself'. Do you find him unattractive?

Really how could he have won in that situation? You were kissing he grabbed your bum- he obviously fancied you to do that. You then call yourself fat and then ask him again if you are fat? What should he had said? He tells the truth in a relatively polite way- you get mad, he lies- you know he's lying and get mad, he keeps quiet- you keep questioning him and force a response. Poor bloke! If you know you've put on some weight and are sensitive then deal with that rather than looking for false affirmation from someone who is just telling you the truth.

he grabbed my bum...

Wrinklesandspotstoo, he fancies you. What more do you need to know?

Jinx

Unless he grabbed her bum with some calipers and starting writing down measurements whilst saying "hmmmmm"?

Maybe you could join a gym together and get fit together. Exercise is supposed to be an aphrodisiac.

He Grabbed my arse under my trousers and went Hmmmmm and that's where my comments came from...

Apologies OP, I missed the significance of this part of the update.

Did he say this before you commented at all, and your initial apology was in response?

In what way did he say it? Did it sound more like a criticism than enthusiasm? If that IS the case, then that puts a whole different slant on things. From the way you wrote your original post, it sounded like he was being enthusiastic, and suddenly you started making negative comments about yourself for no apparent reason.

Was it hmmmmmm I am not sure of this or hmmmmmmm! I like touching your arse?

I would have gone with the latter and I am not sure if you forced it into the former to be honest....