Appeal for Wise MN's, especially those who have weathered the storm of NC

[WoollyWoodsters]

Namechange. Nothing to see here Daily FuckFace Mail, move along.

Following MN's previous advice (which saved my marriage) and ordering the recommended books, I have been NC with PIL. DH has chosen to maintain contact with them, although relations are somewhat strained.

Life has been somewhat challenging (ok, really unfair!) for me and being married and part of a loving caring family was wonderful. Until I became pregnant and unexpectedly severely ill with an auto-immune issue.

Fast forward through the last few years and I have had many MC's and been medically retired from work. Am still housebound, no children and have to restrict visitors as I have now been diagnosed with a 'severe' condition. I have made huge efforts to stay in touch with EVERYONE as strict isolation would probably finish me. Most people have been very understanding.

MIL has anxiety issues (I know no more) and when I became ill, was 'difficult', despite me keeping her in the loop. Her behaviour towards me gradually escalated into unbelievable proportions. I am too weak to list it all, but it came out that I had delayed the wedding (I hadn't, v short engagement) been 'making excuses for not seeing the family', had 'willfully planned my DH's childlessness' and even 'took up running because that's how you get rid of babies'. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

My FIL backed her up and threw a few more accusations my way, i.e. I was jealous of their close family and trying to break it up etc. I was clearly depressed, how I was ill and looking for a scapegoat to blame. They wouldn't listen to DH's explanations when he stood by me, they questioned whether it was love, or actually indoctrination? I couldn't believe it! MIL continued to be desperately over-involved in DH's lack of a baby. She was unable to look at me the last few times we met and said that I have hurt her child.

If I listed it all, it doesn't actually seem very believable..... I thought I was going mad

I will never forgive people who were so cruel to me (& DH!) at a time when we were fragile and grieving and needed (and asked for) support. I had thought we had a really good relationship with intelligent, lovely, supportive people. I think I'm still in shock.

After some distressing, unannounced visits and astounding e-mails, we established some healthy boundaries and they were asked to not visit or call the house. My anxiety levels have since been much easier to manage and I have been able to just focus on my life and health without the fear I had back then.

There has now been some rewriting of the script by the PIL and they carry on as if it never happened. They are popular, esteemed members of the local community and no-one would ever believe that they were capable of such behaviours. As I never see them, I no longer have to be part of this facade.

BUT. What would you do with gifts and cards lovingly arriving in the post for me ( & my family, who I haven't told). I have being extremely clear with DH, I do not ever want any contact with them again and that includes gifts. I know they can make life very difficult for people and I think DH does not want to rock the boat any further by refusing them. I do not open or acknowledge them.

I guess we can just not say anything and avoid re-fuelling their anger? However, as soon as I see that handwriting on yet another card -arriving in my safe sanctuary- I remember the vitriol they felt and I feel anxious it will start again. I do not trust them. I do not want anything from them! What would you do? Put them back in the post?

Oh and anyone been in this position and survive the battering? Did your marriage survive? Feeling a bit

I think I need some survival tips.

Gah! My New Year's Resolution to write shorter posts has gone right out the window

WW,

Your previous respondent is correct.

Radio silence from you both is necessary; ANY response from either of you will open that Pandoras box and that is going to be nigh on impossible to close again. They do not call you or visit; keep it that way!. What these people want from you really is a response because they know they have you then, do not give that to them. The response to such disordered of thinking people is the reward.

Let them waste money on sending stuff. You should pass it onto the charity shop or some other place, just do not keep it in your home any longer than is absolutely necessary.

DO NOT RESPOND TO THEM!!!. Apologies for the capital letters but I cannot stress this enough to you.

Re your comment:-
"Has anyone asked a third party (a neutral bod or family member) to pass the message on, firmly and clearly? Would this get it stopped once and for all?"

In a word, no. The above is not without problems either; this third party could too easily hear the "sob story" and be further manipulated into acting as their flying monkey. People like your ILs are masters of manipulation after all. FMs do not act in your best interests either, only their own.

And I'd be honoured to answer the door for you!.

Attila you are one of my favourite people on any message board ever. You gave me some advice during that awful time, and whenever I feel shaky I just lurk and read the Stately Homes thread, you are so bang on, you always make me feel better. OP, listen to Attila and you'll be ok. Lots of love to both of you.

Ampersand I agree! The thought of Attila from Stately Homes opening the door here made me laugh out loud. Needed that. Yes I do feel much safer.

Ampersand I am so sorry to hear you have been through this with both sets. That's very unfair. You poor lamb. No wonder your hair fell out. I'm surprised I still have mine after the years of stress. Our stories sound very similiar. Yes there were 'challenges' around our wedding too. Sometimes I imagine a stronger me going back in time, taking charge and eloping. Had I known what was to come post-wedding..........

I too wrote an e-mail to my DH and that helped in the long uphill battle.

And thank you all. I do feel less stressed when I see you all in the future, thriving!

Attila I know you are right. It is far easier for me because I am most definitely NC and now have my DH's full support.

It is tricky with the 100% don't engage thing though. DH still sees them from time to time and his DF never fails to get him alone and remind him how very sad they are about the situation and how they are still so worried about him. Always mentioning DMIL's failing health as well (I remember the past digs about him 'acting out of character', how they didn't believe the boundary-setting e-mails could have come from him & them questioning whether he was indoctrinated). DH is polite and says he just shuts the conversation down. He says he feels he is no longer emotionally blackmail-able. I just wish they'd stop the 'chip, chip, chip, crap' with him and leave it.

Oh man, my wedding, what a farce. My MIL took it upon herself to round everyone up for photos, telling my friends that I had not thought to sort out a photographer because well, she didn't know why, so she must do the job.

We had a photographer. She knew that. He was the one with the nice camera at the front of the ceremony, taking pictures. You know, a photographer. The gaslighting went wild that day.

The day after we got back from honeymoon there was a photo album in the garage (let herself in, creepy much) featuring lots of pictures of me with my head cut off and one where I'm having a fag in the back garden with my 43 year old mouth all puckered up like a dog's arse. That one was my favourite. Then when we didn't drop everything to go and see them or thank them for album (as we were still on honeymoon for another week), she started spreading gossip around the family about me not having sent out thank you letters yet. I had been married 4 weeks. She had to go, she really underestimated me. Now her son sees right through her. It almost cost me my marriage but we're out of the woods now. You're going to be ok, and I say this as someone who was having such huge panic attacks (I am after all the "destroyer of two families" according to MIL, lol), that I was literally living minute to minute, just counting seconds and hanging on. But the relief now, oh wow. No more stress. Power to you!

Attila, as always is right. The flying monkeys are another layer of crap. DH's lovely aunt was co-opted and it tainted her last years.
I don't know how to suggest you handle the rage with debilitating illness. We always tried to remember that upset was what they wanted and I pictured them writing the cards consumed by Revenge! Maybe I was tense for a week but I loved the idea that before I was tense, they were in a shop, browsing cards full of fluffy teddies, finding a lovely message, buying it, putting a stamp on it, posting it and clutching their ill will to their chests. I bunged anything addressed to me in in the recycling unread. They don't know I was tense. They saw total indifference. :)

Morning! It's foggy and cold outside, but I have the heating on, a hot coffee and have just been contacted by someone who wants me to run a workshop for them, so it's a good day here...... hope it is for you too Woolly!

You know, your PIL's don't see you as a human being with needs and emotions, as a woman, as an independent individual, as a newcomer to their family who should be welcome with open arms, do they? Rather, you are the carrier, the provider of the next generation of THEIR family, so only THEIR needs matter. How dare they treat you with such contempt. I'm becoming angry with them on your behalf.

No one, absolutely no one has the right to dictate or interfere in any way with another persons life.
....and they have stepped way over that, and in return deserve nothing back. Not a letter, phone call, returned post, NOTHING.

As Attilla says so perfectly, give them nothing.

I'm nearly 2 years into my 'escape' from my tormentors now, and I really feel to be a different person. gone is the woman always eager to please, that carried the totally unnecessary guilt, that always felt defeated, useless, hopeless, etc, and in her place is me. Just me. dances a little jig a la Morecombe and Wise
It took a while to get to this stage. I would have moments where I thought I'd got it totally wrong, and that if anything happened to them it would be my fault. But took deep breaths, came on MN, read myself back to sensibility, and here I am.
I do have a sense of sadness though, for this should never have happened, but I refuse to let it cloud my life.

You ask about my 'golden DB'. No I don't see him, for he is so entitled it disgusts me. Even though they pander to his every demand he wants more....and more, but they don't see it. Even when he gave DM a list of items he 'expected to be left when they die' (his words), they didn't say a word to him. Words just fail me.

I hope you and your DH get through this together. The thing is, it can take weeks, months, years for the scales to completely fall from the eyes, so even though he is aware of their behaviour, he may first hope they will change. Once he sees they won't, he has to overcome the guilt, and believe me, people like your PILS will just heap it upon his head.

I just wish they'd stop the 'chip, chip, chip, crap' with him and leave it ^They won't, it will have to be your DH that stops them, and he will need strength and resolve.

It is very hard, but I hope for both of you he does it.

Peace, love and light to you

Ah, what lovely messages to wake up to. Well, recaps of shit situations with 'tormentors' is not lovely, but the tales of hope and survival are. Thank you. Am wrapped up in bed trying to get energy together to get up to get coffee. Only a few steps away!

Ampersand you really did have it bad! At least mine were publicly well-behaved at our wedding. And thank god they never let themselves in. What a violation! Er, wedding photos of you with your head chopped off? I would worry about deeper mental health issues there. Or are some people just horrible? I always try and see the good in everyone . Not sure I could there.

"She had to go, she really underestimated me." Woo-hooo! This made me laugh. Maybe my MIL only saw weakness and failure here and thought now would be a good time to 'advise' her son. She was obviously not aware of my fighting spirit that has got me this far & felt that criticising her own son was acceptable too. In her long e-mails, she has mourned the fact he used to be so 'tasteful' and 'reticent'.

"You're going to be ok" I feel a sudden surge of confidence and strength!

"THE POWER OF MUMSNET!!!"

Well, the power surge got me to the kettle and back .

Exploded yes I can see the co-opted neutral person being a can of worms. How sad for your Aunt in the latter stages of her life. That must have been unnecessarily stressful for her and everyone involved.

I had someone particular in mind for the job. Who is nowhere near to them -genetically or geographically-. Who has connections with the police and Home Office & would most definitely not stand for any FM nonsense. PIL are used to holding positions of power and getting their own way. They are bullies who I see now have created this facade to control people. I think it was on a bad day I thought about rolling out the big guns....mis-typed as big gins, which are also necessary on a bad day!

I thought a quick e-mail from them to PIL (reminding them of NC, including no gifts and cards) might bring an end to it. However, as you've all said, that is demonstrating a reaction. But. It would stop me protecting the PIL and being a bit more honest about their behaviours.

The best solution I suppose is to work on our my rage and fear around their communications and build a strong structure for us for the future. I guess it's still so raw. One minute I was part of a wonderful family with loving hugs, sumptuous feasts, grand events and roaring fires, the next I was out on my arse .

One minute I was part of a wonderful family with loving hugs, sumptuous feasts, grand events and roaring fires, the next I was out on my arse

ouch :(

Yep, Ouch. But at least I'm no longer there being part of a false family ideal. I hate pretense.

Firm it's interesting for me to read your summaries. I think my illness and anxiety around their behaviours has left me rather raw and doubting my own decisions. Indeed PIL have written it was just a lot of misunderstandings and I very nearly believed that . Yes I feel a sadness too and I know that both DH & I held on to the fact that things may improve for way longer than we should.

Sad about your DB. I really despise observing and interacting with entitled people, so I understand why you wouldn't see him.

Thank you for your good wishes. I think we're over the worst of it, but they are the Masters of Emotional Manipulation and fully expect them to continue with the guilt on DH's head. I probably don't even know the half of it to be honest. I just need to support him and respect his beliefs that he thinks they're ill and genuinely believe they are doing the right thing.

Ooh, a love a good workshop. Will there be ice-breakers? Handouts on how to deal with difficult PIL? Any employment news in January has to be a positive sign for the year ahead!

I love not a love