Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Found escort searches on laptop

117 replies

WienerDiva · 20/01/2017 17:35

Hi Everyone,

I don't have time to change name or anything but I've found escort searches on the laptop.

Things are horrendous between us.

I told him in August I didn't love him anymore but due to external family members etc it's been messy.

I'm not wanting to drip feed but I'm on a time constraint.

I'm almost laughing at this due the way things have panned out in our relationship.

But what do I do I now?

OP posts:

Report

Joysmum · 23/01/2017 08:12

The whole situation has a confused because you aren't behaving like somebody being who is separated.

Separated means seperate lives and shared parenting.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 08:16

I would stop trying to make any of these toxic people understand and simply move on with the legal process

No one can argue with that

SeriousSteve · 23/01/2017 08:19

You're stuck in the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Google the outofthefog website, it will give you clarity. Would recommend posting in the Stately Homes thread (Relationships) too.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 23/01/2017 08:24

By taking him to family dinners you are sending Mixed Messages to everyone that the relationship is not fully over. If you stopped behaving like you are still a couple them people would get the message and stop trying to convince you not to separate. You have to have clear boundaries and at the moment there are no boundaries.
And why on earth do you want your exes blessing nefore you leave? That's a whole new level of fucked up ness. Usually when somebody leaves a relationship they couldn't care less what the ex thinks or whether they give their blessing.

At first you said it was financial reasons delaying you leaving but now apparently you are waiting
For your exes blessing? What if you never get it?

WienerDiva · 23/01/2017 08:31

I suppose I take him along as we're still living together and my family are still his family.
I understand the confusion of mixed messages though.

OP posts:

WienerDiva · 23/01/2017 08:31

Steve the FOG thing resonates with me. I'll look that up. Thank you

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 23/01/2017 08:34

But you are no longer a couple, separated people don't normally go to dinner with each other's family

Sixisthemagicnumber · 23/01/2017 08:35

No, your family are no longer his family that stopped when you separated. You need to be clear with yourself about what being separated means.

Joysmum · 23/01/2017 08:42

I suppose I take him along as we're still living together and my family are still his family

I disagree. My parents are divorced but their in-laws are still very firmly still family.

The difference is, you and he are not!

Divorced couples have shared friends, doesn't mean they should socialise together for those friends. Can you see that?

WienerDiva · 23/01/2017 08:50

My parents have made it very clear that he is and always will be "family". I understand what you're saying. I'll put a stop us going round there together

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 23/01/2017 08:53

Good, if they want to continue to have a relationship with him that's their business, but it's not yours, he is not your family now

Sixisthemagicnumber · 23/01/2017 09:15

OP is there a part of you that isn't done with this relationship yet? Your lack of enthusiasm about moving
On and not behaving like a couple and the annoyance at his escort searches leads me to think that you still want the good bits of the relationship without being in a loving sexual relationship. It seems that you want to live as a couple in the same house, attend family events as a family, share laptops etc but you also want to live life as a
Single person and have the option of you seeing other people.
How would you feel if he started a relationship and made it clear that he was having sex with the person?

Mix56 · 23/01/2017 09:23

You have been primary carer.
You are married & own two houses
You go to SHL, start divorce poceeedings, he/she will tell you that you are entitled to at leat 50% of marital wealth, & will continue to be primary carer.
Make an appointment with the CAB, go on line & see what financial help you will get from benefits.
Your marriage is over
Your parents are toxic
You are married to this man, they are not.
There is no stigma in being divorced, Royalty do it !
You need to go NC with your poisonous controlling family.

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 11:53

If you're primary carer you start negotiations at you getting 100% you may get 80% ...,70% is as low as you'd go.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 12:14

I also recommend a good book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward

WienerDiva · 23/01/2017 12:20

I've just ordered that book. Thanks for the recommendation.

I've had a chat to mum this morning, and I've told her not to harass me into meeting her, that I need some head space.

She wasn't angry or anything like that but still the same bullshit being spouted off.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 12:23

Ignore the spouting. It's all hot air. Keep going on your own path and take back your agency

You seem to have handed it all away to your husband and your family and that needs to change

WienerDiva · 23/01/2017 12:25

I am starting to claim back my own life. I that's why I've hit such massive resistance now. They realise I'm not for forcing back into my box anymore.

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 12:29

The only way is up from here, you've got this op

AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 12:30

Good for you

WienerDiva · 23/01/2017 12:34

Thanks Newbrummie and AF. Well everyone actually.

Not going to lie, your kindness has reduced me to a blubbering mess. I suppose I felt like I was going a bit doolally thinking maybe it is me that's wrong and not all of them.

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 12:43

Oooh, that's all part of it. Blubbering is good, let it out and then honest to god I promise you in 12 months time you'll be so strong you won't recognise yourself.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 12:48

It's not you

Things may feel they are getting worse before they get better as they throw everything at keeping you in your assigned role. But you decide where your boundaries are and enforce them robustly

The first boundary is that you are not obliged to stay in a marriage to please everyone else. If it isn't working for you, then end it.

Patriciathestripper1 · 23/01/2017 12:50

If you don't love him then what's the problem?
Let him pay for someone that will till the money runs out

Mix56 · 23/01/2017 15:46

there are some excellent standard responses which being questioned by your parents, for example

"It isn't working for me" & repeat.
& of course "No" (No is a whole sentence)
I will take that into consideration
^I will ask my advisor"

You are an adult, you do not need to explain or justify your reasons. so don't

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.