Found escort searches on laptop

[WienerDiva]

Hi Everyone,

I don't have time to change name or anything but I've found escort searches on the laptop.

Things are horrendous between us.

I told him in August I didn't love him anymore but due to external family members etc it's been messy.

I'm not wanting to drip feed but I'm on a time constraint.

I'm almost laughing at this due the way things have panned out in our relationship.

But what do I do I now?

[PresidentTronaldDump]

Hi Lady
Sorry to hear this.
Where they Russian escorts?

[WienerDiva]

User, the only reason I think he's a hypocrite is because he saying he wants to get back together.

I'm not saying that. There lies the hypocrisy

[Sixisthemagicnumber]

I still don't see any hypocrisy on his part. Even if he is saying that he would like to get back with you, you have made it clear that you don't want to be with him. He is entitled to do what he likes with his sex life if he isn't in a relationship with you. He doesn't have to stay celibate on the off chance that you change your mind. Even if looking for escorts is a bit grim.

[user1478860582]

Leaving the morality aside of using escorts, he maybe is looking for comfort away from a wife that doesn't love him. You have found comfort in someone else.

You're both living under the same roof but he isn't allowed to find comfort (however misguided)? That is hypocritical.

Are you sure the escorts on the laptop aren't actually the godsend you need to justify your feelings for the the other person? I'm not saying your wrong by the way in having these feelings, just be honest in your motivations.

[TheNaze73]

Unbelievable double standards going on here.

I can't believe how hypocritical you're being

[WienerDiva]

I understand completely why he's been searching for "company". I absolutely get it.
And what he does with his is his own business. It's absolutely not my business at all.

I think is the daily barrage of "you must make things better between us, we must be a family again. I love you, I would never do what you've done etc".

Just feels like I've been guilt tripped and duped a bit.

I'm not angry at him, not at all. But he sits on his high horse about morals when he's done that.

[Costacoffeeplease]

You need to disengage, it doesn't matter, don't even think about him

[BlueFolly]

Well next time he does that bring up the prostitutes. Use it to shut down the conversation. But the whole 'hypocrite' stuff feels a bit like semantics here. The marriage is over, just get on with it.

[StumblyMonkey]

Okay...I agree then with what you're saying.

In light of giving you a load of BS about being a family again, making it work, etc it is pretty shit to be simultaneously seeking out things that are only okay if the marriage is truly over.

I can totally see why you're annoyed about that.

TBH I would probably be quite blunt and next time he gave me the speech about making things work I'd tell him I was aware that he'd been seeking out escorts and that those actions had put a nail in the coffin of any talk about getting back together and that it's better now to focus on how to separate with the least possible impact on the children and each other.

[WienerDiva]

Hi Monkey,

I did try and talk to him last night.

I explained that I understood why did seemed comfort (I'm trying to be polite) elsewhere.

I then said that if he chooses to do that, that's up to him. However he's not to bring up about us trying to salvage anything between us.

He's minimised what he's by saying it's my fault that he did (knew he would do this).

But I think I've just got to keep getting my ducks in a row.

Although he has now changed the sodding password on the laptop and I can't access my cv and job application letters. I have told him he needs to resolve that asap

[herwegoagain123]

look here I understand so he is into escorts and you have found company elsewhere? Why is everyone calling you a hypocrite? He is. I have been there its not you OP its his way of thinking bet hes been there for years and now everyone is blaming you. Fuck off not on. Lived it. So I know.

[herwegoagain123]

If men see sex as a financial transaction they are not going to be good husbands are they? You have done nothing wrong OP. So......after all that shit you are going to see someone else why not?

[herwegoagain123]

People are posting from a v naïve position of not dealing with this. It's vile so shut up.

[herwegoagain123]

You are not a hypocrite. People posting who have never have found out their OH is seeing prostitutes who offer opinions are talking shit.

[WienerDiva]

Herewegoagain - thank you for your support and kind words.
I'm 99% sure he hasn't actually been with one and he definitely hasn't done it for years.
However I'm not ok with him looking at the potentials for one for over a month.

[Ellisandra]

I divorced my husband for using prostitutes. Does that mean I can express an opinion?

I want nothing to do with a man who does this, I think your STBXH is a shit for it. Not in regards to you - just, a shit.

But...

• it's not your business, you've split up
  
• he may be pushing you to stay, but you haven't said yes, so I don't think it's hypocritical of him to go elsewhere in the meantime whilst he's "working on you". I do think the behaviour in itself is disgusting, don't get me wrong on that - but it's not hypocritical
  
• talking about you having met someone else - well, was that before or after you ended it? Again, using prostitutes is disgusting, but purely looking at the morality of cheating - falling for someone else when married is more cheating that booking a prostitute after you've split up.
  

Don't waste time thinking about it. Stick to your guns that he has to STFU about getting back together. And get on with filing for divorce. Get this shit out of your life.

[TatianaLarina]

You don't think it's hypocritical to be chasing prostitutes while trying pressuring OP to get back together as a family saying he would never do what she has done?

Hypocrisy essentially involves claiming to have higher standards than you actually do. It comes from the Ancient Greek meaning to act a part.

He's playing the part of the wounded family man desperate to save hims family, while searching for sex online.

Hypocrisy is precisely what it is.

[Ellisandra]

Yeah, thanks for the Greek lesson, I'm aware of the origin

Like I said in my post, I'm not sure if the OP has got involved with someone before or after telling her husband it was over.

So we don't know if he has done what she has or not.

I'm sure we're both agreed he's a shit though.

I just think OP is wasting energy getting worked up about hypocrisy. She doesn't want him. Let the sad fucker look up prostitutes. She needs to put her energy into filing for divorce. Even if there a practicalities to be sorted, I would start them rolling properly, with a solicitor and a divorce petition.

[WienerDiva]

I'll be clear. I ended things with my husband in August. I started seeing the other guy in November.

I think it's just smarts that's he's been acting rather sanctimonious to me and everyone else and then looking up how to have paid for sex and local one night stands.

I'm fairly sure he hasn't used them, he's too bloody tight for a start. But yes the morality of even looking is disgusting.

[Sixisthemagicnumber]

Why are you even living j the same house and concerns yourself with his morals and what he chooses to do? Didn't I read that you have 2 houses? If so then why aren't you each living in one?

Him searching escorts is his business. He might be hoping you can get back together but probably realises that there is no realistic chance as you are seeing somebody else.

[Costacoffeeplease]

But you've split up, it is of no consequence to you at all

You need to be living apart from him then you wouldn't even know what he was doing - you're no longer in a relationship

[WienerDiva]

We have tenants in one of the houses. I actually don't want to make them leave their home. They've been there a long time.

Like I've said, I'm trying to get my ducks in a row so I can leave.

I have no support or help from anyone else. The family have already said that if I go through with this they're washing their hands of me.

So in the meantime, I'm looking for work, saving pennies where I can do I can leave.

[Sixisthemagicnumber]

Well in the meantime you just have to not care about what he does as long as it doesn't affect you. Him searching for escorts doesn't affect you as you have zero intention of getting back with him so stop caring about it.
Personally, I would either give he tenants notice, ask my ex to leave or I would make plans to leave. You have been separated since August, how many more months are you going to live with each other? It must be harder for him seeing you going out with somebody else as you are actually physically doing something and you say that he still has hopes the relationship can be repaired.

[user1478860582]

Actually, this is nothing to do with the escorts, other man, hypocricy or morality. It's all to do with you, for what ever reason wanting some people to take your side. You say you have no one and going into a divorce alone is a scary prospect.

Many years ago I caught my wife having an affair. We separated. I didn't tell anyone of the affair, but everyone took my wife's side. It must of been my fault was the consensus. I kept quiet , but bloody hell it was a lonely place.

The morality and hypocrisy are red herrings. You just need to find someone who believes in you and is sympathetic.

[Only1scoop]

Wiener, so sorry to hear you have all this going on.

And it is all bloody hypocrisy if he's still harping on a sob story about saving things whilst actively searching for 'company'.

Had similar happen to me years ago and finding stuff like that is awful, no matter what stage you are at in dealing with your split.

Most importantly yes, get access to PC your CV etc and everything you need.

Get your plans finalised. A horrible limbo place to be.

Thinking of you