Found escort searches on laptop

[WienerDiva]

Hi Everyone,

I don't have time to change name or anything but I've found escort searches on the laptop.

Things are horrendous between us.

I told him in August I didn't love him anymore but due to external family members etc it's been messy.

I'm not wanting to drip feed but I'm on a time constraint.

I'm almost laughing at this due the way things have panned out in our relationship.

But what do I do I now?

[WienerDiva]

No he hasn't. But he's going to have individual sessions to help him come to terms with it

[Costacoffeeplease]

That's good news, so the split is definitely happening and he's accepted it now?

[WienerDiva]

We had a bit of a row after because something else came out that he didn't "approve" of. So he went to his parents'.

I actually think they're going to be a huge help to the both of us

[Costacoffeeplease]

And how did your husband react?

[WienerDiva]

It was good actually. I liked the guy. He was forth right and obviously impartial. But I think he was fair

[Costacoffeeplease]

I'm glad they've been sympathetic

What about the counselling?

[WienerDiva]

What. A. Day.

So my in laws now know everything and do you what?

They've been wonderful.

It's made me very sad and pleased at the same time. They have acknowledged my parents control, they noticed it years ago but because they are decent and not over bearing.

Anyway. Just thought I'd give you an update and to say thank you thank you thank you to everyone

[Mix56]

You do not need to consult them, you do not need to tell them you are considering a councillor, who, or when,
You do not need to provide typed notes of who said what & why.
You can go & get council, it is your business, it is not theirs.
Why on earth are you telling them what you are doing? You know they won't agree, understand or support.
So stop calling or responding to them. don't update.
You are a grown individual, you can let go of your "Mummies skirt."
If trapped into conversation.
"we are getting counselling"
"we are talking it over"
"we will need time to process"
"we are grown adults we are working on the situation"
"it will take time"
enquiries re next aptmt, "I will have to look at my diary".
You do not need to answer the phone, let it go to message....
Stop justifying & hoping for their benediction, you won't get it.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I tell you what they'll say: "wiener is still consistently proving that she will do as she's told".

Stop engaging with them about your marriage. If I were you I'd stop engaging with them at all but that's another issue.

[cauliwobbles]

Wiener my parents sound exactly like yours, controlling and overbearing. It was their way or the highway. XH was an abusive alcoholic and I met someone else and left him. Was told I'd bring shame on the family and they'd never have anything else to do with me. Last time I saw them was in court when they stood with my XH for him to try and win custody of DD.

I've been with my now DH 15 years, DD still sees her father and my parents but I'm like Voldemort in their house and my name and those of my 2 subsequent children are never mentioned.

I have an amazing relationship with DH, he supported me through everything and made me realise, along with counselling over many years that their treatment of me wasn't my fault but theirs. I always thought I was a bad person and didn't deserve friends and nice things due to the damage they'd done to my self esteem.

Don't let them control your life, move on, they aren't contributing much happiness and positivity and love to your life. Take control, you tell them what's going to happen and if they want to go NC then that's their choice and you can live with it. Take away their power and you'll feel so much freer and happier.

Good luck xx

[Costacoffeeplease]

Then they'll just find something else to beat you with

You don't want your parents controlling you, but you're going to a counsellor (which you don't want to do) which they've chosen

Tell them to fuck off out of your business, why do you still care what they think or say?

[WienerDiva]

I don't even want to see a counsellor. However I'm happy to go if they will help us split in a healthier way.

He said what he said as I told categorically I don't want to be in the marriage.

He said, unless you have two people both wanting to work it out, a split is advisable.

He said he'll help us do that. Then what can my parents say? Hey chose him and this is what he said. So then they can hopefully back off a bit

[BitOutOfPractice]

Firstly, no counsellor worth their salt will tell you that over the phone without meeting you.

Secondly, why are you allowing them to call the shots in areas where you are perfectly capable of doing so yourself e.g. Finding and employing your own counsellor.

[WienerDiva]

Hear me out.

I spoke to the guy yesterday. Told him my situation and he said he sounds like we need to split. He will help us do that.

That way, what more can they say?! They aren't paying for the sessions though as originally suggested. I've told them I will

[BitOutOfPractice]

This is a counsellor recommended by your parents? Come on OP!

[WienerDiva]

Mix, thank you.
Just a little update. I been offered a job and I spoke to a solicitor yesterday about what I am actually entitled to etc.
Feeling a little more empowered for when they throw these things at me.
And husband and I are seeing "the best counsellor in the county" according my parents today.

I've already spoken to him and he sounds like he is with me about not allowing my parents to control our marriage and that splitting may well be the best option.

[Mix56]

"when" being, sorry

[Mix56]

there are some excellent standard responses which being questioned by your parents, for example

"It isn't working for me" & repeat.
& of course "No" (No is a whole sentence)
I will take that into consideration
^I will ask my advisor"

You are an adult, you do not need to explain or justify your reasons. so don't

[Patriciathestripper1]

If you don't love him then what's the problem?
Let him pay for someone that will till the money runs out

[AnyFucker]

It's not you

Things may feel they are getting worse before they get better as they throw everything at keeping you in your assigned role. But you decide where your boundaries are and enforce them robustly

The first boundary is that you are not obliged to stay in a marriage to please everyone else. If it isn't working for you, then end it.

[Newbrummie]

Oooh, that's all part of it. Blubbering is good, let it out and then honest to god I promise you in 12 months time you'll be so strong you won't recognise yourself.

[WienerDiva]

Thanks Newbrummie and AF. Well everyone actually.

Not going to lie, your kindness has reduced me to a blubbering mess. I suppose I felt like I was going a bit doolally thinking maybe it is me that's wrong and not all of them.

[AnyFucker]

Good for you

[Newbrummie]

The only way is up from here, you've got this op

[WienerDiva]

I am starting to claim back my own life. I that's why I've hit such massive resistance now. They realise I'm not for forcing back into my box anymore.