Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Male midlife crisis

25 replies

CharlieBoo · 20/01/2017 17:01

My husband I believe is in the throws of a midlife crisis... married for 15 years, 2 children aged 13 and 9 and all has been lovely or so I thought.

He's lost a dramatic amount of weight, suddenly very image conscious and vain, bought a very expensive car, very secretive with phone, caught him out with the odd lie. We've had a rocky year with how he's changed and im struggling to cope. Says he's always been mr reliable, mr dependable but he's not happy with that anymore. He wants more of a social life, says we never do anything.. he seems so cold now towards me, he's bored basically.

I don't want this to end, I love him but really not sure he loves me anymore. Our children will be devastated if we split. I've read lots on male midlife crisis and he fits the bill and it says the more you try and control them/keep them the more they resent it. Has anyone been through this? What can I do to make my marriage work?

OP posts:

onanotherday · 20/01/2017 18:07

I have been here and its so painful. I held in...I fought...I begged...I lost all dignity because I wanted him to stay for our lovely family...he went in the end and there was ow..If I could turn back the clock I would have shown him the door straight away. The shock might have changed his view. However I now view him as a weak and stupid man, not worthy of me or our dc's. He has bumped along and has nothing now. If i coukd give you any advice it qould be to read the script..dont play the pick me dance...but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I wish you much luck.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 20/01/2017 18:25

Sorry, I think there is somebody else around.

Original poster

CharlieBoo · 20/01/2017 18:30

I do think there is another woman... last year I found emails and receipts where he'd lied about being on business alone but he was with her. Stupidly I believed he's lies and didn't tell her husband and here we are. The question is to wait and see if he slips up again and I catch him out or just show him the door.. my poor dcs is all I'm thinking about and me looking like I've ended it and I think that's what he wants xx

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 20/01/2017 21:47

When my DH acted this way I thought it was a mid life crisis too, because all what you describe fits the description of someone going through it. But it also fits the description of there being OW, which is what I eventually found out to be the case with my situation. Especially with you saying he has turned cold and detached. Sounds like he thinks if he behaves badly towards you that you will end it, to save him from looking like the bad guy to family and friends. I threw mine out, but without concrete evidence he was cheating (I knew, but didn't have anything to provide proof to family), and I was of course blamed by his family for the breakup, as well as by my DC's. So it probably would be best to try and gather evidence before throwing him out, because it is difficult to cope with all the fallout from being painted as the one to blame as well as coping with the devastation of a broken marriage.

Lila16 · 20/01/2017 23:50

One of my girlfriends has recently cheated on her husband and is becoming very distant. And I was thinking shall I suggest stuff to her that may help their relationship but ultimately I can't make her fall back in love with her (lovely) husband. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, with the way he's acting, I don't think you can make a marriage work unless he wants to as well. I personally think the best thing you can do is start mentally preparing yourself for the worst, take the next weeks and months to detach yourself from him whilst you gather solid evidence and take it from there. You never know, it may work out, he may see the light but it sounds as though he has cheated before, do you really want to stay with him anyway? Sorry this is happening to you :-( X

Lila16 · 20/01/2017 23:54

I'll be hated for this comment but you asked for advice, if you aren't ready for the above, you can try and add some excitement to your relationship. Sex? Lingerie? Date nights? Wine at home? But only do this if it's what YOU want!! Not to just try and please him!! Xx

PaterPower · 21/01/2017 00:10

Sounds more like an affair than a midlife crisis and, if it's not, do you really want the "new" DH in your life if he's cold and self centred?

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2017 02:27

I suggest a conversation that starts "I know all about your affair. You have one chance to tell me the whole truth, if you dont then I will divorce you for adultery and I will not be keeping your cheating a secret for you from anyone who asks" and see what he says.

It doesnt matter if you dont get the whole details, all you need is the admission that he is cheating. He is probably seeing how it goes with OW before committing to leaving you, take that away from him, give him some the panic that you would feel if he suddenly left for her.

I am so sorry, but think of it this way, do you want to stay with a man who thinks so little of you?

Original poster

CharlieBoo · 21/01/2017 08:27

You are all right and ultimately I know he needs to make this work too. I can't stand the thought of my kids being hurt, and them having to go to him weekends, holidays etc and me being a single mum and the fall out from it all. I don't want to be blamed for something I haven't done, I want my marriage to work.

Thanks for the replies, I'm preparing myself for the worst xx

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 21/01/2017 08:41

I think the term 'midlife crisis' is totally unhelpful and in a way partially excused his behaviour as normal.

It isn't. I think you're right about the affair. Like others it was my first thought even before you confirmed it.

Tackle him about the affair and the state of your relationship, without reference to midlife crisis.

Good luck

Lila16 · 21/01/2017 08:43

Couldn't agree more with the above comment. She's nailed it. We all here for you Xx

TheNaze73 · 21/01/2017 08:49

I don't necessarily think that he's having an affair but, there are a lot things pointing in that direction.
You said you've had a rocky year, any reason why?
I think this could be a classic case of him just being bored & actually doing something for himself, as he feels the man/woman part of your relationship is dead.
I'd take him out for dinner, just the two of you & ask him directly.
Good luck op

AnyFucker · 21/01/2017 08:56

Affair or not, why would you tolerate such arrogant disrespect from him ?

BBK6 · 21/01/2017 09:08

Sounds very mid life crisis which could also mean affair.

A lot of men have these and some come out of them.

How is your marriage in general, this aside?

Msqueen33 · 21/01/2017 09:13

I'm sorry sounds like classic affair. What a shit! Like pp has said i would prepare for the worst and detach from him. I'd also start to get my ducks in a row financially. Sorry you're going through this. As hard as it is I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't really want to be with me.

jeaux90 · 21/01/2017 09:18

OP don't let being a single mum frighten you. It's way easier than being in a mind fuck marriage!

Show him the door, let him go. Sounds like he has already disconnected. If there is a chance of it working it might be the shock he needs. In any case it will move you from the inertia you are now in and you'll have control back.

You deserve more respect. Not sure why you are tolerating his behaviour.

As another wise mn posted, the person who cares least has the most power.

Original poster

CharlieBoo · 21/01/2017 12:13

Thank you for all your replies, my friends have all been telling me this but I have still been holding out hope he may snap out of it.. advice from here? See a solicitor? Mortgage in joint names, a lot of equity, hes a very high earner, quite a bit of savings... I work part time, have a bit saved. I'm not worried about money, my parents will help me and he will have to pay maintenance. I can get more hours at work..

Tell the woman's husband my suspicions or keep quiet? I have some messages from last year that I screen shot at the time.. x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/01/2017 12:15

I wouldn't complicate things further by telling ow husband

Just quietly disengage, see a solicitor and get the ball rolling to separate from him

jeaux90 · 21/01/2017 13:01

No no never tell the OW husband. You have no idea of what their relationship is like. He could be abusive for all you know. And why create a bigger shit storm than the one you already have to deal with. Besides, it is also a bargaining chip, don't throw that hand away needlessly.

Quietly go about getting legal advice and start making your own plans xx

Lila16 · 21/01/2017 14:20

1, yes talk to a solicitor def.
2, talk to close friends and family
3, don't share those messages yet. Hold them for now at least and see what transpires. i understand why you would want to share, but right now just be the bigger person, you will feel better for it Xxx

Hidingtonothing · 22/01/2017 05:05

Protecting yourself and putting everything in place so that you come out of this in the best possible position is what you need to focus on for now OP.

If you're right and he wants you to end it so he comes out looking like the innocent party he's doing it under the assumption you're in the dark about what he's up to. He thinks when you do end it you will do so with no forward planning to protect your own and DC's future and that you know nothing about what he's really been up to.

You have nothing to lose by turning the tables on him, it sounds like he's checked out of your marriage anyway so you might as well walk away with your head held high and the best provision for your future you can manage. You know the drill if you spend time on here, copies of all financial documents in a safe place he can't access along with any evidence of his cheating and then find a shit hot lawyer and put it all in motion before he has any clue what's happening.

I know you don't want this to be happening but it sounds like it's going to regardless of what you want so you might as well come out of it with yours and DC's interests protected.

Meandyou72 · 22/01/2017 08:14

He might snap out of it but that's what you need to want. I know lots of blokes who have had the sorts of MLC and are still married. Difference with those is their wives don't know what they did!

Oddsockspissmeoff · 22/01/2017 13:02

I don't think it's helpful to label this as a midlife crisis. He's a cheater.He's already had one affair. It's highly likely that the affair didn't end and he's still seeing her.

Hermonie2016 · 23/01/2017 12:48

I'm so sorry, heart breaking and all too common.

Is there an external person who he would respect that maybe able to ground him? Does he have close family?

How is he on a day to day basis with you?
Is he angry or just detached? I would suggest you go for dinner and try to have a conversation. Iisten hard to what he is saying and not saying. Try not to be defensive, validate his feelings if you think it's appropriate but don't take responsibility for stuff that isn't yours.

If he's angry or blaming, repeat back what you are hearing, eg I understand you are angry because you feel your life has been a sacrifice etc, what do you want to do?
Nothing may change but you will at least know you have given your marriage a chance without compromising yourself.

In conjunction, get on with your life, do that class you have meant to start and be the person you want to be.This will prepare you for life if he still remains checked out of the marriage. I'm sorry to say it seems highly likely.

Don't do romance though as that will make you feel worse/bitter/resentful if you find out he has been having an affair.

You are a good woman, his treatment towards you does not reflect on you, only him.

Adora10 · 23/01/2017 15:56

Nothing to do with his age, stop using that as an excuse for what is by the sounds of it a cheating husband having his bit on the side and blaming you for being bored.

I think you need to tell him to go, he's taking the absolute piss out of you.

Flip