I did an extremely bad thing to my husband of which i am very sorry. I took money from him which did not belong to me...i took money from his FIL when he was in a care home. I am deeply, deeply, ashamed...i have not dealt with it in my own head and run away from the disgusting thoughts i have. I feel unable to face the reality of what i did............however my husband will whenever he feels like it, (usually when drunk), hit, slap, punch, bite, and say the most horrific things to me. He cannot get over it and i can see why. If the shoe was on the other foot i would have ditched him long ago....he is willing to forgive me and we get on perfectly well when going about daily business , but if he has been in pub, i dread his return.
I cannot see a way out for me....however, before i commited these evil acts, he still had a violent temper, so this has completely worsened the situation. If i didn't have children i would have been long gone. We have been together 27 yrs so there is a lot invested...there is a sick part of me that i think i need help with, professional help,......something that drove me to not give two f**ks when i was stealing, maybe because of the way he treated me even before babies were born.
The situation had always been him working and me sahm. I did not bother to look for work. I did let him do all the running about. I did take him for granted. I took, took, took....and never bothered to do anything in return.....why i took that money was through sheer laziness.
Now i have found myself a job and will be able to contribute. Of that we are both glad.
I feel i have to put up with the abuse that i get because of the horrible things that i did. Sometimes i think i do deserve it. Other times i wish it would just stop. Other times i do not give shit.....this all sounds so unbalanced......i think i may have some kind of sick, twisted, pleasure of watching him lose his temper, but i cannot take being slapped and punched anymore....i am deserving of this treatment.....i am.........am i ?
Any thoughts or feedback much appreciated.
This is the first time i have laid it all out like this. I could never tell even my close friend because it is just too disgusting......