One year after marriage ended, still in despair

[user1476476739]

Hi, long story, married for 20 plus years, husband very self centred and not around a lot as worked away a lot ,
3 kids , now in late teens, hadn't really got on a lot in recent years, he wasn't much support, he weren't much support with oldest lad who's behaviour was always challenging , husband didn't really want to know,
Put me down and never showed any imticy over the years , just interested in himself
We went couple counselling about 12 years ago which really helped
I worked also ,school hours to collect the children when they were young.
Usual life, running round after kids, taking things for granted, not much communication over the years ,
Lots of arguments,
18 months ago I noticed he really was distance, didn't know a lot about the cheaters script at the time, but then one day it just clicked.
I knew he was having an affair, he denied, followed the script and I did the usual, tried to change, hysterical bonding, tried couple counselling.
He said we would get back on track, I believed him etc, then coming up to Christmas just knew he was going to go, which he did just after Christmas
He moved into a flat, I had to find out via other means about OW , horrible way to find out, he continued to deny , but eventually after confronting him he said he was in a relationship.
15 years younger than him, he is in mid 50 s, she is divorced with no children
When he left, not much time for the children who were devestated.
I lost weight, felt so so low, as if all my fault, felt didn't want to be here anymore, had counselling, antidepressants , anything to get by.
Great support from great family and friends, but one year on, can't keep boring them with my feelings,
Found mums net , started reading threads and found strength from all the lovely women who have faced this awful situation,
Followed all the amazing advice from you all, went no contact, started divorce , have moved house etc, BUT just still feel so do low, blame myself so much for the break up of marriage, that I didn't put in enough effort,
Constantly what ifs , he is now living with the OW, all loved up,
I feel so ashamed that my husband left me and so guilty even though he is the LCB ,
Just can't seem to get over this hurdle , one year on, feel as if I should be over it and getting on with it,
But still feel despair, low self esteem and it's all my fault ,
Any advice please xx

Hi, I think I read your thread ??
Seems as if we in similar situation
How are you, has yours admitted there is OW
How are you, how are your children.
My daughter finds it really difficult and has little contact with him.
She watched all the drama leading up to him leaving and watched him more or less abandon her at first as he made no time for our daughter as he away on weekends away and holidays withOW,
At first I used to have to ask him to see her as it was if she didn't exist.
DD eventually thought forget this and decided she weren't been treated like that.
Now he wants to see her but she has little interest,
He blames me for this that I have influenced her decision.
No you did that yourself you twat,
Thanks again,
My mood has lifted a little just by posting on here, all your posts have helped me to see things in a different light ,
Hugs to us all 😀

Aw, you're a STAR, op!

Thanks spring daffs, I wish I felt it,
I had a better Saturday, forced myself out with family,
Spent some money on things for our new home which helped.
Think talking on here has really helped , hearing all your stories of how I feel is normal and things will improve .
A year isn't that long after such a long marriage and the dips will continue.
I think because I was dreading Christmas and Christmas was ok I thought going into the new year that feeling of progress would continue, but I have had a massive dip, with crying, despair, fear for the future and loneliness.
The pain is physical and scary, but hopefully that will lift again and I have to go back to those early days of not looking forward to much, baby steps, deep breaths and sometimes just taking it hour by hour,
Your replies have really helped,
Bug hugs to you all ❤️❤️💗

Of course it is normal to have down days and to be mourning all the dreams that you had, as well as to be bruised by the betrayal. It is very very normal to be bruised by and saddened by those events, especially after such a long marriage.

Do try to get in touch with your anger though for what went before though, User. It sounds as if you did a lot of the holding your family together, and you shouldn't have had to do that alone. But you did. You were strong for the children and strong for yourself, building a home and a life for you all. You can do that again. Build that home, fill it with lovely things for you and for your children. And this time, build yourself up too. Find space for you. And if there is space left over, find new things to enjoy. Anger at his half hearted contributions to your marriage can push you forward with a determination to make the next 20 years much much better than the last 20.

The January droop after Christmas is a well known phenomenon. It will pass. Be aware though that you can always get help, here or from your GP too. Beware of the blues, when something going wrong, or a dip in life leads you to think that everything is going wrong, and that there is nothing good left. That is a good definition of depression, when we can't keep knockbacks and disappointments in their own box but they make us feel as if everything is tainted. A bit of help can lift you out of that. Yes, shitty things will happen, but you are a survivor, who has raised 3 wonderful kids, been faithful in your marriage, recognised when things were wrong beyond repair, and who has moved on to the next phase.

Best of luck with the next phase. Snuggle up and look after yourself in January. It's still the time for hibernation! Chinese New Year comes in February - I always find that a better time to make my new year resolutions, with spring and hope in the air . . .

Hi OP everything your feeling is exactly how i feel, i have moved into my new house 4 days before christmas and was on a huge high as it felt so good to be away from the negative and hurtful memories and what happened. I still love my new home and i haven't missed the old place at all.

Ive got amazing friends and family and lots to look forward too, but still this major dip and all the old hurt hit me its a horrible feeling.
I think even though you move on with the practicalities of life and be strong its the Betrayal that is the hardest to get over, that feeling of rejection is awful and i believe thats what keeps us stuck in the cycle of ups and downs.

I hope you find your second wind and some new hope that it will all be ok in the end as I'm sure it will, you didn't make this happen it was done to you and good things will come your way again of that I'm sure.

Take care and keep smiling and remember when all the dust settles and the cold light of day hits you have a clear conscience and your self respect.He on the other hand has guilt to live with everyday of the week and the reality of loosing love and respect from his family.

His loss

M xx

just still feel so do low, blame myself so much for the break up of marriage, that I didn't put in enough effort

Doesn't sound that way to me at all. He may have been unhappy, but instead of making an effort to fix things, he found a younger wife with no children. He doesn't even bother much with your children. Was it their fault for not being good enough? Or is he just a selfish person who doesn't like it when things become a bit difficult and run away from their problems.

When he's seventy, will he leave her for another thirty year old? He obviously has no understanding of the things that really matter. And if he cheated before you and cheated on you, how do you rate her chances?

Hope you find some help here. For what it's worth, you sound lovely to me.

^^ everything Lostsight said seems spot on to me and yes you are a lovely person who deserves so much more.

Take care xx

Just reading your replies ladies and overwhelmed by your kind words
You all make me feel so much better and maybe I'm not going mad going over and over things in my head and it's just the process of grief.
Lost sight your resonated so much sense to me and the lovely lady that just moved into her new home just before Christmas, wow, your story sounds similar to mine.
How are you x
I don't know how my twat lives with the guilt of leaving the kids.
Yes the two older ones maybe young adults , but they relied a lot on him and as for DD she cried every night for two months when he left .
The twat left through the Christmas period 2015
She watched me trying to win him back and see him staying out, me doing the pick me dance, just awful.
But I wanted to try everything to save our marriage and can now look back with no regrets on that front
He really wanted me to kick him out so he could ease his guilt and say the mad cow chucked me out.
But I got wise to his shitty behaviour of always trying to see me as the bad guy and I made him walk out of his own accord and made he told DC where that he was leaving.
Obviously the coward denied OW , 🤔🤔🙄, but of course we all knew he had his tart hidden away.
We found out who she was not long after.
Your kind replies have really helped me see things a little differently and made me think that maybe I'm not too blame for him walking out on us.
Sat today and tried to write a list of his positives and negatives of what he brought to the marriage ..................
Well surprise surprise!!!!!! The negatives outweighed the positives, apart from his good wage , not a lot 😂😂😂
Going to keep it and bring it out when the moments of despair reappear and also keep re reading your wise replies 🌺🌺🌺🌺

sorry it should say I made him walk of his own accord and made him tell the DC that he was leaving and it was his decision only to leave

You don't have a good word to say about him and it seems evident that this was not a happy relationship. He has moved on from this unhappiness and marriage of convenience. It's time that you did too. It takes two and a lot of hard work to make a marriage work. It's over. It's history. It's time to start building a life of your own now...one day at a time, one step at a time. When you improve your own life then you will think of him and the past less and less. It's time to let go and move on. Get some hobbies, re connect with friends and start to enjoy your life again. Doesn't sound like there was an awful lot to miss as you paint a very unhappy picture of your marriage.

OP your are a strong lady and you are doing your best to move on and its really hard to do as i try to put a brave face on my situation every day and still have all the hurtful words he spoke to me and all the shitty things he has done since deciding life without us is a better deal.
I am surrounded by all the people that love me just for me and i am the one that has the love and respect of my children. He goes home to an empty house everyday and has thrown away everything that he had.....
Your situation sounds the same so try to find the positives however hard your day has been, your DC love you and that is unconditional that makes you a very rich person indeed.

Take care and you will get through the other side and be a lot richer than he will ever be.

night night keep strong

M xx