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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Handling different levels of being laid back

47 replies

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 14:18

The subject text is probably rubbish, couldn't think of how to word it. To summarise:

My DP and I each have children from our previous marriages. She has 1, I have 3. Something came up a few weeks back where I will have mine some of the half term, but she isn't having her son then (ideally we coincide, but occasionally stuff happens). When she heard this she said "it's okay I'll work away, I can't be here when only your kids are here I'll feel guilty and my DS will feel left out".

So I'll probably go away with my kids to see family then. Anyhow, today she's had some things through with work which means she's rearranged some of her DS time at the weekends which will mean he is here when mine aren't (we have them the same weekends usually).

Now here's the thing, I really don't mind having DSS around on his own, it's fine. But now I'm stressing, should I actually be saying that I'll go stay somewhere else (like she would say given the opposite)? Am i too laid back? Am i a mug? Am I not thinking of my DC feelings (will they get jealous?)? What do others do in this difference of opinion thing?

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 16:16

Ugh!!! That's why then.

She needs to tell her ex to butt out or just ignore him.

Sounds like you are your ex.

Original poster

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 16:33

Thinking about it that also explains that if DP is going somewhere early the next day with work and can't drop off DSS, she gets her ExH to have him, whereas really I should drop him off. I'd have no issue with that but I strongly suspect ExH would

OP posts:

Original poster

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 16:33

*at school that is

OP posts:

fallenempires · 17/01/2017 16:54

I take it that her XH hasn't moved on then?

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 16:57

She needs to sort this otherwise he's always going to be in control.

Is she a bit intimidated by him? Have you met him?

Original poster

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 17:16

No not in the slightest

OP posts:

Original poster

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 17:18

Sorry that was in relation to him moving on.

I don't know if she's intimidated by him or it's just that he guilt trips her a lot.

Yes I know him and he's a nice guy, although obviously not that nice to me at the moment

OP posts:

fallenempires · 17/01/2017 17:30

Thought not! Mine hasn't either! What do you mean by guilt tripping?

Original poster

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 17:35

For instance he saw me driving DSS and DS to the shops the other day and he texted DP to ask where I was going with DSS and that he assumed then that she hadn't done spellings and homework with him

OP posts:

fallenempires · 17/01/2017 17:42

Fgs it's none of his business when it's not on his watch.He sounds irrationally jealous.So many parents seem unable to accept that their child can have other adults in their lives.How often is he sticking his oar in like this?

BumDNC · 17/01/2017 17:44

ITs one thing being cautious with her own child but her ex and DS can't control what she does or who she sees when he is with his dad.
It sounds like she is totally pandering to the ex, even DSS is all cool with you and your kids being around - it's entirely possible he loves having other kids around as an only child. And ex doesn't like this so is calling the shots. It's very odd for her to decide she has to leave. And no way should you leave your own home, you live there and part of this relationship involves taking on each other's kids - which you are willing to do which is brilliant.

You need to make it clear that ex cannot dictate what happens on her time with or without her child. Equally she would have no say on his new partner if he had one.

As long as kids aren't coming to harm then this is all actually causing more harm than good to the 'unit' as you see prevented from building it

Original poster

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 17:45

Literally every 2-3 days at the moment

OP posts:

fallenempires · 17/01/2017 17:54

My x(h) was like this when I started seeing DP.Having suffered from his EA for years it took me quite some time to disengage from it.As my OH did you need to encourage her not to dance to his tune and to not accept any communication from him unless it's in her ds' interests ie access,parents' evening etc.

Cricrichan · 17/01/2017 17:57

She's being unreasonable!

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 18:29

Literally every 2-3 days at the moment

Nope! Nip it in the bud.

Feel for you though, most reasonable people would be happy their children have a nice step-parent like you and seem to be flourishing within the environment.

fallenempires · 17/01/2017 18:53

Totally agree Polly! This isn't a reasonable person tho!

BaronessBomburst · 17/01/2017 21:30

Did she leave her ex for you?
You say he's a nice guy but not nice to you at the moment. It sounds like you know him, and it might go someway to explain his behaviour and her guilt.

Original poster

Markb123 · 17/01/2017 22:16

So we had a chat, worked out that the root cause is my ExW. My ExW is very controlling which is why I left the marriage and since then she's using the children to try to keep an element of control. The times that DP has said she would stay away if I had the kids alone were the times we were effectively manovered by my ex into having them at the times of her choosing. So the anger was at her but directed at me. I pointed out that wasn't taking my feelings into account as it was me who was getting upset and clearly my exW want getting affected.

It was a good chat I'm hoping the issue is resolved somewhat. My DP is now seeing the manipulation that her ExH is doing to her as well so we'll be working on that as well

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 22:26

That sounds positive Mark.

Communication is always the way hopefully you two will work together from now on because the way it is the exes are controlling you both.

All the best!

therealpippi · 17/01/2017 22:29

What a great thread! Finally Two people that manage to communicate and to understand eachother. And I am not being sarcastic as my threads never got to this point.

Glad for you op.

LesisMiserable · 17/01/2017 22:36

She's angry with your ex wife...so she leaves you for a few days? So you effectively get punished. That sounds equally controlling and tbh OP, I think you have a classic case of two women subtly fighting for top spot of who gets to control you. Your DP found you with 3 children. If she's not mature to conduct a relationship with those three children present when hers is not this wont go well. She's clearly jealous of the time you spend with them when she's 'free' to be with you. This woman is not going to be able to cope with this relationship dynamic.

BumDNC · 17/01/2017 23:36

She sounds quite cowardly in some ways, I mean I would want to address this head on but some people don't like confrontation. I'm glad you have pointed out this is not really ok as long term it's just going to drive you apart, whereas it should be pulling you together. Also that it's irrational to try to make a point to your ex wife that doesn't make a point to anyone but you and the poor kids.
Good luck to you. You sound like a good guy and I hope things improve

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