Wife wants to separate but I have no idea where to start

[DuckShoes]

Not sure I've ever used a forum before but feel a bit lost, so here goes. My wife of 12 years is very keen to separate and says our marriage is over, she's probably right but I want to keep trying. I have made lots of mistakes in our marriage (No infideltity) but not nearly enough attention or closeness. I know if there is any chance to fix things it will mean a massive change to my behaviour and everything else but not sure how to start. We have 3 youngish children and I really don't want them to be too affected by this but I feel they are already affected by our bad relationship. Not sure what my question is and maybe I should be on a career/counselling/personal development website but hey.

The children could well be happier if you separate - as long as they don't get used as go between or put in the middle. You say they are already affected, presumably negatively.

It sounds as though you want to stay and keep trying because you don't want things to change. Your wife already knows you don't want things to change, she has been asking for change for years but it hasn't happened. Why would it be different (from her perspective) this time? Sometimes the best way forward is to make the change a permanent one. That way, the change actually happens.

@PandasRock You might be right on the change, I do want to change but I am worried I will not be able to change enough whilst us staying together.

Maybe the children could be better with us apart, I just don't know and its a terrifying prospect.

How much do you want to stay because if you leave you will have to grow up and how much of it is because you love your wife and kids? I don't wish to sound goady but I genuinely wonder if the thought that is terrifying you isn't how the kids will handle it (they will be fine I am sure) but how you will manage a life on your own without your wife (that you sound like you may have forced into the role of your mother) to run your life for you? Don't answer this if you don't want to but it might be valuable to ask yourself this question in the interests of self improvement. For the record, I am no angel but past issues have made me look for questions in the background as well as the foreground in my life.

Have you actually said anything to your wife about not wanting to separate? Or outlined the ways you intend to change (concrete ways, rather than wishy-washy 'be more supportive') if you were to stay together?

To be brutally honest, you may not have a choice. If your wife has decided to separate, and that the marriage is over, then it is probably best to accept that. Prolonging the split won't help anyone, least of all your children.

@GelfBride You are right that I am scared of the future as a divorced man with little access to kids and the fun that they and my wife bring will disappear. I have been freewheeling for years now which isn't what I want to do at all, and isn't me. The change is for me to take and is scaring me. There are some days when I see the world as an exciting opportunity but some days the thought of dealing with everything on my own really not so good. My wife has nurtured and developed her friends over the last few years but I haven't. I need to work through a lot of things and this is helpful.

@cerealandtoast Yes I have said I want to stay and have said I want to change but the things I have said are wishy washy and words won't cut it any more.

You do sound like you have a high degree of self awareness OP. That's a start. I hope for what you would wish for yourself but listen to your wife and if she really wants out, respect that and separate amicably and do the work on yourself that you need to. Good luck.

why have you only said you want to change?

Why haven't you actually started making changes?

Don't you see that you are just heaping more of the same into your failed relationship? For years your wife has asked for change, for years you haven't changed (no idea what changes, btw - better work/life balance? more hands on with the children? More input into daily family life?) yet you say you want to change.

Stop wanting, start doing.

You are sounding self obsessed, rather than self aware.

I have started doing and will continue.

How are those changes being received? Have they even been noticed?

She notices the negatives and not the positives.

Dobthe changes you have made actually help? Or make more work? Are they welcome changes?

Also can I add that you may not see an immediatecpositive reaction from your wife. She may not trust you will continue in this path and she may be too hurt to give it a go. But undoubtedly your behaviour (good or bad) will be registered and will have effects.

Thanks for the advice, I am making some changes. I saw the counsellor yesterday and agreed that we should focus on how I can improve things with my wife. Listening and helping more is the key (Not really surprising I am sure to many women on this forum). So I am doing that, there is a lot of anger there so I will need to be very thick skinned and really empathise.

You can't do anything about her feelings at this stage. But be a good dad and work on your own self development and in the long run it will pay off. Life moves on and with a positive attitude and acceptance you can adapt.

Listening and helping more is the key

Listening is great. But..,It's not helping - they're your kids and your house. Try to switch your mindset from 'I help out with the kids/housework' to 'I do half of this because I live here and they're my kids.'

Think about it: have you ever heard anyone say 'oh yes she's such a hands on Mum! She even helps out with nappies!' ? No, you haven't. Reading between the lines, your partner is fed up with having an extra child to care for. Nothing kills passion faster.

My advice would be on working to be a good parent, do your fair share and keep the split amicable. They're your children forever. Keep the focus on the children and reassure them that you both love them.

Hi DuckShoes,

I agree with what has been posted. At the minute, your wife is at the point of no return. You have admitted you have been wrong and I think it's great that you have done so. I have just come out of a relationship for similar reasons, except also abusive. What I will say is that you sound like a decent person who has realised his mistakes. These may not get you back with your wife, but it will help you in the future. My H has been so nasty, vindictive and hateful since our break, too bad for words. You can choose now whether this break is done with kindness or hatred, and that will determine how you feel about yourself for a very long time to come. Puts your kids first, for every action you do, think 'how would my kids see me if they knew I did this' and that should help you to act with kindness. It won't be easy, it doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be walked over to do the decent thing, but you sound like you are becoming very self aware and I think you will feel really bad if you don't do this the right way. As for the future, who knows what might happen, but don't be like my H - I wanted to do it amicably for the kids and for us as humans who had a relationship. He didn't, still insists on living in the home in a toxic atmosphere - I wouldn't help him if he was hanging off a cliff...... Good luck to you. Do the right thing.