I would really appreciate some advice. I am mid-forties with 2 young DC. I have been with DH for 18 years, married for 10. I could really do with some advice on how to improve our relationship and marriage, or whether I need to take some drastic action and consider separating. I feel guilty writing this as so many people here have experienced difficult or abusive or unsupportive relationships, whereas my DH is basically a good man, who does more than his fair share in terms of raising children and household tasks……
I am fairly sure my DH has Aspbergers. He finds social contact stressful, never asks questions and never shows interest in others. He is emotionally unexpressive (though says he feels emotion and can be empathic but rarely expresses emotion), rarely makes eye contact, and cant get the rhythm of a conversation (so he generally interrupts people, speaks louder if he has anything to say and comes across as rude). He tends to look scornful, rarely smiles and generally appears irritated. He doesn’t have any friends (its hard being around him as the other person has to initiate all the conversation) and before we married my own family tried to persuade me that he was not right for me. I am not an extrovert, but friendships are very important to me, and even after all these years I still feel awkward in group situations when he is there (people judging him and judging me by proxy)… In a group situation his presence often makes things much more stressful – he doesn’t find other peoples jokes funny, and is generally looks bored... even with his own family.. though if you asked him he would say he was not bored.. its just how he looked… I don’t think I have every heard him laugh aloud..ever.
In his favour, he excels at practical tasks, organises family activities, does as much cooking and shopping as I do, and is very hands on with DC, always thinking of what’s in their best interests and lining up interesting adventurous things for them to do. He is very committed to family life, and even though he has his own one-person hobbies he is happier spending time together. I suppose I was attracted to him at first because he is calm, intelligent, informed and has a dry humour (though as he speaks so little it is easy to forget this. He is unmaterialistic and prioritises actions over words (For instance he is a strict vegetarian as a consequence to his beliefs but would rarely mention this or discuss it and would never make an issue of it– (im a carnivore!)). He is calm and quiet – I guess I am attracted to that type of person, but on the other hand the total lack of conversation has left me feeling very lonely (living with distant flat mate). Physically, he is a very considerate and sensitive partner, though these last few months I have not been that interested in physical contact – less attracted to him, feel less attractive myself etc.. He is pretty scruffy, has always been – but I find that less attractive in middle age than I did in my twenties!
Anyway, Im sorry to ramble. I feel stuck in a rut but guilty to say that as I have so much to be grateful for – 2 beautiful DCs, no monetary concerns and a job I find satisfying. I have suggested that we try counselling, but he refuses ( thinks its just a ploy to blame my discontent on him). He thinks everything is fine with us. I know the other option is to change my own perspective and focus on his strong points, but every time I see a couple chatting or laughing I feel sad that I don’t have that intimacy with DH (unless we are talking about the shopping list or I try to coerce him into a question-answer session).
I don’t think I can change him, so I need to accept him, change my own view of what married life should be or walk away and destroy the family unit we have built for our beautiful DC who I think would be heartbroken…
Apologies for rambling.. any advice is greatly appreciated. Feeling very stuck and quiet sad at the thought that this is it now for the rest of my life… but if I focus on other more fulfilling areas of my life things will balance out I suppose…