Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Confused by 'rules' of new relationship

35 replies

lorna111 · 15/01/2017 20:36

I met somebody online a couple of weeks before Christmas and we really hit it off, we saw each other quite regularly over the first few weeks and all seemed to be going great. I liked him, and he was really, really keen. We slept with each other after about date four. He was quite open about his impending divorce, and the fact that he'd only moved out five months before, although his marriage had been pretty miserable for a long time. Anyway, after a couple of weeks of lovely stuff, the usual story seemed to emerge and he backed off, sent fewer messages and wasn't so quick to get in touch etc. I was quite direct about asking him why etc, and to be fair, he was very open with me and happy to communicate, but admitted he wasn't ready to get into a serious relationship - but that he really liked me and wanted to stay good friends. I was pretty gutted (largely hid this from him) but respected what he said. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we've stayed in touch - we now text probably every other day or so, only light stuff mainly - and we've been out a couple of times. A week ago, I invited him over for a casual meal at mine and we ended up having sex, and he stayed the night. More messages in the week, then we went out again on Friday and again, we had sex. All very affectionate and nice BUT the friends thing has completely thrown me. I suppose I want it to be more, and I feel disappointed we're not 'seeing' each other in the way I understand this to work. Maybe I'm just being old fashioned! I don't know if I'm just being used for sex (he lives pretty close to me). I was married for 15 years and am just not used to this casual kind of thing. Stuff like I'd like to call him sometimes but feel like I can't. Feel like I can't make any plans to do stuff with him in case he freaks out. It's my birthday soon (he knows this) but I feel like I can't suggest anything in case he thinks I'm being too much. Ridiculous I know.

In the meantime, I've checked online and he hasn't been on the same site for ages, has taken his profile down and besides he really doesn't seem like the shagging around type.

I suppose I'm unclear how to 'play' things - is this just normal dating for 2 fortysomethings with kids and commitments etc, or is it reasonable to expect more commitment at this stage?

Would appreciate any thoughts!

OP posts:

Original poster

lorna111 · 15/01/2017 23:03

Thanks all, it's so helpful to get other people's perspective.

OP posts:

InfoFreako · 15/01/2017 23:04

You said in your first post that he has an impending divorce....so that means he's currently married!!

Cheers.

Original poster

lorna111 · 15/01/2017 23:09

Married on paper maybe, but they've separated. Lives in his own place now.

OP posts:

InfoFreako · 15/01/2017 23:12

So as he's still married (technically, legally or otherwise), there's a high probability that he doesn't want to get too involved with someone else at this stage. He's said as much and tbh who can blame him?

I hope things work out for you.

Cheers.

AhYerWill · 15/01/2017 23:16

This isn't the start of a relationship, it's a FWB setup. To be blunt "Not ready for a serious relationship" = happy to sleep with you until he meets someone he wants a relationship with. Find someone that is keen to be with you, not someone who gives meaningless excuses why they can't.

SpookyPotato · 15/01/2017 23:20

It's refreshing that he's been so honest rather than leading you on- it's now up to you if you want to carry on being friends with benefits. It sounds like you can't so I would move on. It's a shame though when you like someone so much and it feels right.. But I agree with others that you will get more intense feelings for him as time goes on, rather than more casual about it.

noego · 16/01/2017 00:24

Sit down and communicate with him and find out what the parameters are

springydaffs · 16/01/2017 00:36

Why is it ridiculous to want something more?

You do, he doesn't. This relationship is hurting you. Nothing ridiculous about that.

Be brave knock it on the head. He doesn't get to call the shots, you do.

rightknockered · 16/01/2017 09:56

He obviously does only want a FWB situation. However, at the start he obviously let you believe there was a chance of more by telling you he liked you and appearing very keen. The cutting back on contact was deliberate strategy, it's called fading. He then continued to text you etc., and had sex with you because he knows he can and he knows you like him now. He may have said he doesn't want anything serious, but he is still playing with your feelings, because he knows how much you like him now. It's obvious to him because you asked him what was going on, and so openly showing your interest in him. A decent person, behaving in a responsible manner, trying to avoid hurting the other's feelings would back out. A FWB situation requires friendship, and he is not being a friend to you.
He isn't worth your time.
I think you should move on.
x

reader77 · 16/01/2017 10:21

AhYerWill has it spot on.

Flip

1 2