AIBU to feel slightly harassed by this?

[Dieu]

Hi everyone. Don't feel quite strong enough for AIBU at the moment, so hope you won't mind me posting this here! Would like to get others' perspectives on it.
A bit of backstory: split with my ex husband and father of my children, after repeated infidelity was revealed. He now lives with the o/w and the children live full-time with me (other than a fortnightly overnight stay). He has always been a strong character, arrogant some might say. Not a bad person, and a great dad, but his attitude towards me can be strange. We are seldom together these days, but when we are (e.g. Christmas) he will talk down to me, undermined me in front of the children, can barely stand to look at me. Have now started to cry as I type this He makes me feel like an employee that doesn't pull their weight, and he is the line manager! Not like equals at all, and he can be rather disdainful. This isn't helped by the fact that he is very successful in his career, earns a very high salary, and I am at home. I realise this isn't the ideal situation, to be financially independent on him, so am booked on a course for women returning to work. I am trying to get my life back together.
It used to be that his attitude towards me really affected my moods, but I have come some way in moving past this, and try hard to be more resilient.
So today he has our youngest two, and I am home with our teenager who is ill.
I just received a very abrupt text from him (no hello or anything) asking when the children were last at the dentist.
I replied that I couldn't remember, but could make an appointment for them anytime, and asked if everything was ok.
He then asked if check-ups weren't a scheduled thing every 6 months (which is a fair point), and again asked when they were last there. He said that our 7 year old had a bit of plaque on her teeth (strange that he should be looking, when they're not even there overnight).
I thanked him for letting me know and said that I would phone the dentist tomorrow, to make check-up appointments.
He then asked yet again when they were last there
My final text was to say that he had made his point, and that I was going to act on it, so please stop pressing it. I said that it was neither pleasant nor necessary. I added that neither child had even needed a filling up till this point, which is pretty good going (they are 10 and 7).

I know that this all sounds exceptionally trivial, but I guess it's all part of a bigger picture. I sometimes live on my nerves a bit with our exchanges, as I never know how he is going to be, or when I will next be pulled up over something.
It's just so hard, and I hate to think of having him in my life for the foreseeable future.
So, do I sound pathetic over the dentist thing, or can you understand where I am coming from?
Thanks in advance

You've had some great advice. I would strongly recommend that you TELL him that you will respond to emails from now on. If he still engages in this patheticness by phone I would block his number.

Any more of his unnecessary questions by email or phone just ignore him. You are the resident parent i assume so unless something is going to happen in his contact time he can f*ck off.

Next text you get from him:
Don't react
Don't panic
Don't immediately respond.
Give yourself time to compose the shortest answer possible ie 'they have a dentist appointment next week' (even if you have to hastily make said appointment!).
Stop spending any time with him and you don't actually have to reply to his texts anyway if you choose not to.

Cheers Random

What a knob-jockey.

In future, have a good think before you respond with either a YES or NO.

E.g: when is the last time the DC's went to the dentist?

Yes.

I totally did think about lying re appointment being made, but he would totally have known!

Ha ha ha, Polly!!

^ wot bluntness said.

Oh, and ignore the rest of his texts. You have been doing brilliantly. Taking the next step, to accept yourself as the ultimate authority and getting him out of your head, is not easy, but very worthwhile. You might also find, when you treat yourself differently, he will to. It might be all inside your head, but, who cares. All the best.

Lol I like Polly's suggestion

I would have said "yes, they're 6 monthly, don't remember when they went last but I booked next one at the time, they send reminders. As she's got plaque now, please supervise her brushing the nights she's with you and remind her to do the full 2 minutes."

That pushes parenting right back at him, avoids answering his question, and is a touch patronising telling him to be better at supervising brushing 😉

Better still "don't know the date, appointments are every six months, yes"

Best advice is NEVER answer immediately. He needs to know you don't just when he expects it - and it allows you time to find a good answer. Sometimes, that answer is just ignoring him.

What a twat...no wonder you left him.x

But so what is he knows you lied?
Just so what?
Can't prove a damn thing.
You could have said - they're booked in 6 months after last one, not sure where the card has got to.
Then tomorrow, book an appointment.
If he follows up you say "oh yeah - I called to check, it's 4th March".
So what if he knows and you know that you just booked it?
Hold your nerve.

If he is such an organised, amazing dad how come HE doesn't know the last time his kids went to the dentist.

It sounds as if he is the sort of man who will have a reply to anything you come up with, even if you rehearse.

I would keep any communication short and simple. He likes you getting flustered. That is why he barks at you.

You have already won, you got away from him.
You can do this.

I agree that you need to not answer immediately, but know from bitter experience how hard that is to put into practice. It took a lot of counselling in RL and from people on MN to stop me from caring about what XH said/thought, and to stop engaging in email/text arguments. This week he text at 5.30pm on Thursday to say he wanted to see DC on Saturday, so I didn't reply until late morning on the Friday.

So don't engage with your XH on stuff like it. "When did DC last go dentist?" leave it a few hours, not everyone is glued to their mobile to answer immediately "Don't know, will have to check my diary, will make appointment if necessary" and then leave it at that and ignore any further texts on the subject.

Fuck, you're good, you lot

God he sounds like my bullying ex! The point is not to get factual Information- about when the children went to the dentist for example - but to put you on edge and make you defensive.
If you said 'they're going tomorrow' he would be 'why didn't they go last week?'. He wants to know he can still jerk your string

I had this. It's soul destroying and it's meant to be. He knows exactly what he is doing. Just ignore it. Text him the next day, unless it's an emergency, which it rarely is. He's trying to make you out to be the unreasonable one, which you are not. What is similar is that he seems to think texts are important. They are not.

Stop jumping to his beck and call. He seems to enjoy that. Creep.

He treats you like staff.

Stop acting like it. There are good alternatives to the deference you habitually show him above.

Ooh my ex does this except he punts it via d's "why hasn't your mom cut your nails" was the last one I went apocalyptic told him to cut his nails himself if he was that bothered he really went off at ds about it too he was so upset about it when he came home

I made him take them for their haircuts the last time he moaned

This was my ex partner as well. He used to have me jumping through hoops with stuff like this and it became so stressful. If I missed a drs appointment or dentist he would pounce on it as an excuse to call me a bad mother. He was utterly unreasonable.
But then I just stopped responding and reacting to his messages.
He's their father and if he thinks they need an appointment then he can damn well make them one and take them!

Delayed, low key, or no reply is the way to go with his shitty texts. Just think of him as something you stepped in and have on your shoe. How tedious. Brief and polite but clearly responding to something trivial. Once you crack ignoring the messages for at least a few hours the rest will fall into place. I insisted on no texts, emails only, unless it was a life-threatening situation. He's a piece of work, isn't he OP?

But how to move past that, without getting inflammatory or looking like a bad mum (which I'm not) who doesn't care about what he is saying? It's very difficult.

Perhaps you just worded this awkwardly, but do you really feel as if you are a bad mum because you don't care what he says? If so, you need to stop that right now! You don't need to care one whit what he says.

It's obvs that he's really, really done a number on you. As PP has suggested, you need to do the Freedom Programme. Remember that you do NOT need his approval for a single damn thing that you do.

Have just been looking into the Freedom Programme (Pat Craven) online. Just about to sign up and pay, but it says that it is for victims of domestic abuse. Am I looking at the right thing? Thanks.

I think you need to learn to be politely obtuse. Wait a while before answering. keep your answers brief.
When did the children last go to the Dentist?
Why?
Because they have plaque on their teeth.
Just relply "OK" or "Please make sure they are brushing correctly when they are with you"

You are not answerable to him but it not easy to break the pattern. One word answers are non confrontational.

Some excellent responses on here, MN rocks

I know!