Posting this for a bit of support and perspective. I have posted here before about my marriage and commented on other threads to do with emotional abuse.
Been with DH 20 years and married for 12, 2 dc 1 dd who is 4 and one ds who is 10.
We split up 5 years ago and got back together after about a year and a half, he said that he had total clarity about his behaviour and knew what I wanted and we decided to give it another go.
He has always imo had anger issues, he was violent at the very beginning of the relationship but has not been violent at all for about 15 years. Now it just all seems verbal and emotional.
We have been having significant issues for the past 18 months mainly to do with:
His anger when drunk and agreessive and argumentative moods
Excessive drinking
IMO bullying behaviour to our son (never physical but more overreacting to small misdemeanours) this mean I step in and we end up arguing as I cannot stand by.
He calls me names all the time when we argue usually the name that I think he is being himself e.g. BULLY. He also calls me a joke, a cunt whatever he can think of. He brings up my childhood and uses it against me. He says I am a bad mother and that I don't care about my children (within their earshot).
Yesterday our son was dawdling and was nearly late for footy training and he was getting a telling off about showing more responsibility for his own timekeeping. Ds got distracted while his dad was talking to him and changed the subject. My DH called HIM 'a joke' in the sort of demeaning manner in which he calls it to me.
I lost it, I told him that I would not accept him calling ds names EVER. He tried to squirm out of it and say that he said that the 'situation' was a joke but he did not. He often says hurtful things to me and then denies it so I am used to that. I have told him that he takes responsibility for what he said or I cannot get past it. It is not about saying something in anger and then apologising, I feel like this is just the start of the namecalling that I put up with starting with the kids and I am not accepting it. I have been wrestling with the idea of separating for the second time and I have been thinking this for about 6 months now, what has held me back is the affect it will have on my ds. Now I feel like his verbal abuse will be worse.
He bought me flowers this morning and I asked him whether he had apologised to ds as if not I wasn't interested and I am determined to stand my ground.
Ds is making excuses for him and just doesn't want us to argue.
Dh will bring the kids into it if he feels he can use that to hurt me as he knows I cannot stand their witnessing arguing.
I think I am done. I have told ds that as his mother it is my job to protect him and that it is absolutely not his fault.
Something has just snapped in me.
I know I am not perfect but what I do do is take responsibility when I have made a mistake and apologise.
Thanks for reading. Any insight welcome