Advice

[Sparklebelle1024]

Hi there,
Long term lurker first time poster so be gentle,

I'm in a mess, I'm a mum of two engaged to be married but my DP just doesn't fit how I imagined life to be if that makes sense?

He's taught my son (he's stepparent) how to be cheeky and sarcastic to me (DS has SN as well so this is a million times harder)

He plays down my concerns on my daughter when she has a siezure (she's epileptic) because she's not the only one who has epilepsy (DD was born very sick almost lost her she was in NICU on ventilatior etc) she's just turned 4 and also has SN on top of her epilepsy so naturally I worry and I get told to man the fuck up and deal with it when I worry or stress because "it's fine"

He never discusses anything we have issues with telling me to "stop whinging it's fine"

He doesn't help around the house because it's "my job" and I should "stop complaining because I chose to be a mum so I have no right to say I'm tired or whatever"

He never gets up with the kids (neither of them sleep well because of ASD they settle late and wake stupidly early and it's exhausting again I get told i chose to have them so suck it up

He barely lifts a finger in the house right down to leaving the empty loo roll out on the windoledge and expects me to pick up after him for everything, he makes himself something to eat....I clean up the mess, he showers or baths I clean up the scummy mess he leaves and pick up his stupid goddamn boxers and socks and wash them, I do all the cleaning and cooking etc you name it I do it even when I had just had a massive abdominal surgery I had to get on with it when he lay in bed

He "works" I use that term loosely because he's self employed and your lucky if he does 4 hours a day because if he's tired he doesn't go, he's also a gambler and sometimes I've not had a penny to buy bread, he keeps saying he's stopped and I find out he's STILL doing it, keeps telling me he wants the family and he will stop and has stopped etc then comes home with some story that it's been quiet at work and he's made no cash ...in reality he's gambled it, we've been on this cycle for ages and I'm sick of false promises and being made to feel I'm the bad one cos I stress out about money and bills which he just doesn't care about, I'm in a fair bit of debt now because of him when before I had a good credit rating and money in the bank, I've subbed him so many times he owes me 2K plus because I've gave him money for x y z which now I know was to fund his addiction

He speaks to me like a piece of shit andnsays he's joking, asks where his dinner is and why it's not made and why I've not bought him beer and I need to shut the fuck up and let him sleep cos he does what he wants, I'm not allowed to tell anyone what's going on in the house because it's "nobody's business" if i do what he wants he's lovely but the minute I even attempt to say no I get hell, but he will do NOTHING for me :(

I don't know what to do, I love him so so much but he's destroying me and I'm now on anti depressants for panic attacks and anxiety and I'm just a mess

"I wouldn't know where to start, I couldn't just end it I have no money to survive so I'd be left high n dry, I don't work due to kids illnesses and SN so not even got a "payday" to plan around,
He goes in my purse and takes money, I don't even have anywhere to hide it from him I feel trapped"

You have already started; you have posted here because you know his treatment of your children at his hands is also wrong. That is real progress. Do not use a purse; keep any money in your clothing if need be.

The house is in your name and it is possible to get him removed from it by legal means. You got rid of your abusive ex; you can get rid of this abuser from your lives also. He has basically conditioned you to believe that you cannot possibly survive without him; well you can thrive without him. He brings nothing to the table but misery and treats your children with contempt as well. Your children cannot afford to keep seeing you as their mother being abused; is that what you want them to remember about their childhoods?.

If, as you say, he is monitoring your ipad/phone, the likelihood is he will be reading this thread.

I strongly advise, for the safety of you and your children, you request this thread be deleted. Or at the very least don't return to it until you are in a safe place.

I DO want to leave him I just don't know how, there's something else but he would know it was me if I posted it exactly but medically I can't have any more children, and he uses this against me that I don't work like a woman should and he knows it kills me daily I can't have anymore as I always wanted more
I know I need to get out I think that's why I have posted here xx

He doesn't know mumsnet exists and I've been using a private browser and logging out every time xx

Unfortunately private browsers don't protect you from any spyware your partner has installed on your I
Pad or phone.

Do you not get benefits?

Yeah usual CB CTC DLA and CSA but he accounts every penny that comes in, how can I set up some sort of fallback to leave him xx

He knows bounty exists but not mumsnet hence me choosing here

Does it not go into your account? You don't need to tread carefully around this man. Get support from friends and/or womens aid and throw the bastard out!

Set up a separate bank account in your sole name. Telephone the relevant benefits and ask them to pay into the new account. Take note of when the payments are due, and plan to ask him to leave around the time they hit, so you have a financial buffer.

I can't do this anymore again he's gambled today so no money coming home from "work" xx

Kick him out!

Must be so difficult for you but you need to really ask yourself what it is that you love about him?
The house is in your name and you have two children to take care of; he's not contributing financially if he's gambling and losing money.
Be strong and think whether this is how you want life to be.

Are you ok OP?
You can call women's aid when you feel safe, the will help you with an escape plan.
Please do it. You can't stay with this man.

I agree, please do call Women's Aid. They can help.

Oh dear OP. Please leave this man. Make sure everything is payed into a bank account he cannot access. Do you have family or friends you could go to?
I know the last thing you would want is your children learning this is a normal life because it really isn't. There ARE decent men out there.

Based on what you've written, you will have more money, less housework and more time when he's gone. Wouldn't that be nice? Kick the cocklodger out.

Well he's a cocklodger, a leech. He offers you nothing and takes away everything including your mental stability. You need him like a hole in the head.
The good thing is you're not married to him so you have nothing holding you to him.
If you can't do it for yourself do it for your children, the three of you deserve better

And do call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

It's so hard pretending everything is ok
I've made contact with my domestic violence support worker who I have through my violent ex who still keeps in touch but I've never told her anything as DP says I don't need her anymore and it's in the past and I've to move on but if anyone can help me she can

Thanks so much everyone I'm going to do this but I'm scared as hell

So he's verbally abusing you and demeaning you in front of your children, you do realise your children will think this normal and go onto have similar relationships where basically the woman is a slave.

You are not married, have no ties with this sad bastard so wise up OP, you know it's all wrong and you need to do it for your children, if not yourself, it's not fair to expose them to this horribly dysfunctional relationship.

You would be happier and better off on your own; he's using you as a verbal punch bag and slave, you know that is not love.