EA or massive overreaction

[blackbeardsghost]

ok so I'm a first time poster, have been lurking for a number of weeks and would love some unsolicited advice!
I feel my DH is having an EA and am not sure what to do. I "accidentally" came across his twitter account and have to confess something about a private message caught my eye and wrongly or wrongly I felt compelled to read their message thread. Their messages have a very flirty/sexual banter to them and tbh i'm just not that fucking happy about it
So what caught my eye? Well his admission to her about his love of fingering! I'll give a list of the things that they have said to one another and please feel free to tell me if i'm being batshit crazy!
So it starts off with something along the lines of
Her: oh I was all excited then...fingering is a lost art
Him: it is indeed, I love fingering....it's a sort of gateway to forbidden fruit blah blah blah
Her: it's a lost art
Her: (spouting some shit about walking the dog) so glad I've got my warm undies on but wouldn't want anyone to see me in these but hey they are as comfy as fuck and keep my undercarriage nice and warm
Him: (his reply to this was a tad bit boring BUT did lead on to this little gem) my resistance nearly broken tonight by nice ladies offering me sex (he was on holiday in Thailand.......yes alone.....supposedly work related) he did decline on moral grounds though....lucky me huh!
They also discussed porn hub categories.......one of his faves was new to me! Her well she'd had a long lonely boring summer so was more than familiar with the categories
Him: I'm gagging for proper filth
Her: that would get the wrong juices going......a few in fact
Him: is there such a thing as wrong juices.......ah bless he's struggling to think of one

Anyways it kind of goes on like that some normal conversation some the same as the above. I should mention that they don't live in the same country so no chance of a hook up, it's all online. He doesn't know that I know about the messages.....he would go apeshit if he thought that i'd snooped on him (which I didn't to be fair).
What's tripped this off is that he mentioned her the other day (unaware that I know all about her) saying he was a bit concerned for her (MH) to which I got a bit cagey and started asking him why he was so concerned about someone he didn't know/hadn't met. To which it all kicked off and of course the obligatory "you're a stupid jealous bitch/always have been" kind of bullshit. He said he was done and has fucked off to a previously arranged holiday (yup by himself but also partly work related) and hasn't spoke to me for a week. No contact.....nothing.
This has caused me to have some serious anxiety and if you knew me you'd know that that is not normal for me! but i'm being driven crazy by the thought that he prefers her to me despite his declarations of love for me and how i'm his rock.
Am I being taken for a mug?????? Of course there is more of a background but it would end up being like a thesis.....and you'd get bored.....so fire away please let me know you're thoughts oh random strangers :)

It sounds as though you haven't had RL emotional support in a while. Your DP has been a leech, and you are all sucked dry. Your turn now, I reckon! Can you reconnect with some friends, spend time with your kids? Focus on TLC for you first, gather your energy, and make some changes that suit you.

You say they haven't met...could he have gone to meet her?

Just a hunch but does he have Borderline Personality Disorder?

once again thank you pickle you seem to have a way of being so kind that it makes me cry!! you're probably right, I do need to make changes that suit me but I fear i'm to weak/needy to act upon them. he seems to have a way of making everything about him, his needs, his wants, his desires, his way of doing things. he wants us to explore/push our sexual boundaries, he's even suggested going to a sex club!!!......I know in my heart that it is not for me.....the thought of it actually fills me with dread......so why have I not told him to fuck off????? i'd love to talk to my friends but i'm so insular and private plus they are all so busy with their own lives.....i'd just feel like a burden. Kinky no he's not gone to meet her we are at opposite ends of the earth to her but never say never right? Notarehersal who knows.....maybe......we did think at one point that he may have been bipolar type 2 but like I say he will not seek help. His depressive episodes seem to arise when things aren't going well for him....it's just so exhausting but I still don't know why I can't leave him :(

I doubt he plans to leave you because you're his meal ticket. His silence is designed to chastise you for upsetting him and bring you to heel. On top of his abusive behaviour there are a lot of things pointing to infidelity (or signs he's thinking about it): sexting, interest in swinging, 'work' trips to Thailand. He would be lovely if he addressed his MH issues? But he hasn't, has he? You're walking on eggshells whilst providing him with everything. I used to know a woman in a similar situation. The poor cow died in her early fifties having spent her entire adult life a slave to her 'D'H's moods and rules. Life is too short to sacrifice yourself for someone who frankly doesn't need saving.

You sound a whole lot better than this, op

He is a sleaze. He is disgusting.

Get rid of him and don't look back.

It seems that you have grown into the habit of thinking about him and his needs first blackbeardsghost and I doubt he has done anything to encourage you to think about your needs. I don't know if he really has a mental health problem but he is a massive piss-taker.

Thank you both Downtown and Anyfucker, you are both right. I fear looking back on my life and realising that it was shit. II broke my resolve yesterday and messaged him as we hadn't spoken in a week, it was causing me such anxiety, he apologises profusely for upsetting me, he then gets upset himself, it goes round in circles. As for his conversation with this woman he says he doesn't see it as sexting......just banter according to him and i'm like WTAF!.....it is,,,,,,he says for him sex is a really big deal....wants to push those boundaries now as we've been having the same kind of sex since day 1. He watches porn which I don't have a problem per se about but it's the type of stuff he watches.....it just doesn't turn me on.....so i'm too vanilla for him.....so what now?

He's too selfish and fucked up for you. If you want a man in your life, he needs to be loving and caring.

What now?

The whole thread has said what to do.

Either carry on as usual or do something different.

Your paying for this mans lifestyle.. he is Sexting other women... and walked out the door and not contacted you for a week... and yet your still making excuses for him.. claiming your too vanilla for him... I'd be messaging his TwitterSlapper and telling her exactly what you think of her FingeringFantasies and tell him to pack up and LEAVE...... let him THINK you will do THIS... even if ultimately you won't... you need to get your self respect BACK NOW

Wow. Is it ultimatum time?

I would recommend therapy to look at how you have got drawn into this relationship and to understand what is keeping you there. When you have understood this, you won't feel so stuck.

i agree with everything everyone says, he's selfish and fucked up and ultimately seems to be able to have his cake and eat it. I so wish it was that easy to leave.....i'd have done it a long time ago.....I know he loves me I don't doubt that but his "sex addiction" which is the only thing I can think to call it is driving a massive wedge between us. is it coming to a head....probably......i'm phoning a counsellor this morning........maybe i'm just as fucked up as him?? but I just don't know it/can't see it. I am emotionally unavailable, I own that.....I can't do the lovey dovey stuff he would like.....I feel claustrophobic with it all and yes that encompasses everyone in my life. I feel I owe it to the relationship to explore everything before I throw in the towel so let's see what therapy can bring to the table. it may just enable me to grow a vagina and woman the fuck up. you've all been very kind in your replies and I thank you all for that.....a flaying I don't think I could take at the moment.

Sex addiction ? What bollocks.

He has done a complete number on you. Please wake up. What lessons have you learned in life that put you in such thrall to this loser ?

Run. For. The. Hills.

Fast.

If this was 'just' a matter of a difference in sexual preferences that would be (maybe) worth going to counselling. But it isn't. He cried when you called because he was shitting himself that you'd taken so long to come to heel he may have overplayed his hand and lost his golden goose. I can see why it would be easy for him to love you - you sound lovely. But how does he show this love?

Unfortunately money is power in a relationship and if both partners aren't genuinely unphased by a money/power imbalance there can be trouble. I suspect he needs you to fund his career choice but resents the power he perceives it gives you so he uses EA to bring you down and keep you in check. Not a loveable trait.

I'm afraid he has trained you, Blackbeard. Groomed you. Like a predator does.
Can you think about this and try and break free of his programming? When you have thoughts which put his desires above your needs, remind yourself it's conditioning, training, makes you think like this.

Interrupt your thoughts and replace them with healthy ones all about you.

Have a little phrase- today I am going to find out what makes me feel good. Today it is all about me. Let it cycle around in your head.

If you are what he says you are though I doubt it- emotionally unavailable, vanilla- then set him free to find what he needs. He'll like that.
Help him on his way to explore what he really wants, and go back to enjoying what you enjoy. Without him.

let's out things into perspective ..... nice and simply....

if your Husband/Partner/BF was writing sexually charged love LETTERS... to another woman... how would you feel.... ?

Messages online are LETTERS of old.... it just doesn't have a postage stamp.. x