So my 20 year relationship is on the rocks. We had not had sex in 6 years (his choice) which caused me a lot of grief, he would not tell me why - usually summing it up as "I don't know" or "I just can't seem to respond/give you what you want. Now I did at times get very emotional about this and he says this further alienated him. 1 week before xmas I find out he'd been having an affair with his good 'friend' Rachel, for about 2 years, but it was "on it's way out" - turns out it was more like 4 years and personally I'm not sure its was on it's way out. It was only earlier in the year he tried to persuade me/us to put some money into a business idea they had and allow him to go off on a business reccy weekend with her. That's when my suspicions became louder. He also finally told me his attraction for me had been waning for some years, but he is still 'in love' with me and wants to make it work between us - that I am his "true love" and always will be.
Anyway I think I'm done, I feel so terrible. He is still in the house but can move out in mid feb to some temp accommodation. My problem is with the intense level of my grief and emotionality about all this. I go through a cycle of fierce rage - I have sent the OW many unpleasant texts and even threatened to punch her in the face if ever i saw her. We then go in communication mode, where we actually talk about things quite reasonably, then the weeping, then I go into pathetic bargaining mode, telling myself it can work, and then we start cuddling and I get really really needy because I am still very much in love him. I'm really struggling to cope with this cycle, especially the needy bit as it totally undoes my drive and logic telling me that I can't move forward after what he has done - when I am like this I can't stand to be alone in the house and feel utter despair. We just go round and round. How do I cope??