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Original poster

I can't believe what my mum did to my bro!! Advice please on comeback reactions to her..

40 replies

greenday · 22/02/2007 18:54

I just received an email from my brother.
My brother is 39!! He is a chief steward and lives with his boyfriend. He's been giving my parents a sum of money every month since he started working over 20 years ago. It's a customary thing to do in my family/culture. My mum wanted to return the money (as goodwill gesture) but knowing that he wouldn't accept it, she waited for him to be on one of his flights, went into his flat, looked for his bankbook and deposited the money into his bank!!! She must have been through all his drawers to look for his backbook. Bearing in mind that my brother lives with his boyfriend!! How embarrasing for him!! I mean, he is 39 ffs. We all have private things in our drawers!!!!!
And she does not think she has done anything wrong. She CAN NOT see that she has done anything wrong, invaded his privacy or shown lack of respect to him as an individual.
She continues to treat us like children!!
My brother is seething, but more than that, I'm sure he is embarrased that she has gone through his drawers in his own home. I agree with my brother on this one. Even though I know my mum meant well.
Any advice on punching 'one-liners' or reactions / actions that may perhaps help her to see his point of view?

OP posts:

Pruni · 23/02/2007 08:08

Message withdrawn

pointydog · 23/02/2007 08:24

I'm with Pruni. I would absolutely hate this level of intrusion. There's an implication here that 'oh it's my child, all of their life is also mine'.

lurkylou · 23/02/2007 08:36

If your brother doesn't want her to intrude on his life why has she got a key to his house???

Change the locks pronto!!

pointydog · 23/02/2007 08:38

har! Good point lurky. Rule number one - do not give your parents a key to your house.

Carmenere · 23/02/2007 08:42

I don't know anyone who keeps their bank books in their knicker drawer.

KezzaG · 23/02/2007 08:44

I may be in the minority here, but doing a very nice gesture for someone does not mean you can invade their privacy in the process, and its ok because you were doing something nice.

My MIL did all my washing for me when I was in hospital, which was lovely but I was so upset that someone had been through my things.

For me, its just a case of respect for other peoples space. If he really didnt want to accept the money he can could still return it even though it is in his bank, so she may as well just have sent him a cheque with a letter explaining she wanted him to have it.

Not sure what I would do now. Maybe the initial anger will subside in time, but if it is going to cause resentment maybe your brother will have to say something.

DetentionGrrrl · 23/02/2007 08:47

i keep several things in my knicker drawer. none of them are bank books.

colditz · 23/02/2007 08:52

Ohhhh I would be very about how to react, I think.

On the one hand, yes, thank you for the money. And presumably he is her baby boy, and she accepts his lifestyle and everything else that comes with it.But on the other hand, how rude and dismissive to go through another adult's possessions!

I am sure there must have been another way of doing what she wanted to do - and yes, talking to his boyfriend might have been a start, or giving it in the form of a large gift, but I also have privacy issues (which is why I fell out with my otherwise ok health visitor, but that's another story) and would be very very cross.

But, what's done is done. I agree with the poster who said treat the money and the invasion of privacy as two different incidences - thank her for the money now, and in a few days, raise the issue of privacy. And take the key off her! LOL

He might feel safer with you having a key instead?

BibiThree · 23/02/2007 08:56

I'm with Kezza. Yes your mother was being v generous but a lovely gesture does not give her the right to hunt through her son's flat to get his bankbook.

I can understand though, and my MIL is like this with dh, he's her son, his house is her house etc, which drove me to distraction when we first moved in as I am quite a private person.

It would be hard to be angry face to face as she was being kind and it would seem ungrateful, but if your brother could explain to her that as it's his boyfriend's flat also, they found it a bit uncomfortable - not that she was there while they were away, but that she had to go looking for things. Hard to say without insinuating snooping, tough one. I'd keep the one-liners to myself though, it might cause more trouble than it's worth.

Piffle · 23/02/2007 08:59

Right gesture
Wrong way of doing it

All he can do is explain that he feels she violated his privacy but how did she get in?
Does she have a keey?

In which case there is where you start, ask for the key back.

edam · 23/02/2007 09:17

Greenday's explained why he has a key, he's a steward (assume airlines) and away a lot so presumably it's for emergencies.

I'd be furious too but also exasperated and grateful for the money. Think Twig's idea is a good one.

fleacircus · 23/02/2007 09:33

She may have meant well but it's still intrusive. Having a key doesn't mean free access to search the place. My parents often stay in my flat when we're on holiday but wouldn't dream of going through drawers while they're here (I hope!).

Original poster

greenday · 23/02/2007 10:22

Yes, that's what I meant - its a lovely gesture but it doesn't mean that she had the right to do what she did! If only she realised that.
I have a thing about my privacy as well. Although I do not have any 'naughty' items in my drawers (I didn't mean to insinuate that my bro has items as such ... I don't know and I don't want to know ... but what I meant was, even a note, for eg, from my dh to me is a private note that would make me feel uncomfortable if anyone else read it) ... I would still not like anyone going through drawers, whether with knickers, bills, or documents, when its not their's.

OP posts:

Bucketsofdynomite · 23/02/2007 19:40

My first response was that I would be angry too but having read the other replies there is probably less malice than it might seem.

If she were a generally more manipulative type I'd think it was some kind of control gesture - 'have the money but this is the cost' kind of thing. But I think your posts would be a little more bitter in tone if that were case.
Did her upbringing and culture involve a large extended family all living in the same house?

Original poster

greenday · 25/02/2007 21:33

Yes, bucketsofdynamite, you'r right - my mum had a large family. She was the youngest of 8. And there were extended family too. It never occured to me that her upbringing would explain her actions/thoughts, etc. Definitely worth thinking about on my part.

OP posts:

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