After an affair

[KC11]

I cheated on my DH nearly six years ago. Nothing has ever happened like it since. DH found out a week after I ended the affair which lasted just over 1 month. DH cannot move past it. It is the elephant in the room. What can I do? What should I do? Apologise more?

I do accept responsibility for cheating. If was not planned. Anyone going through a bad time mentally doesn't know how they would act in those circumstances. I want to be here in my marriage but the reason j felt so unsupported is still here. He does not talk or open up to me. He treats me like I'm not here. He's full of interest for eBay and online blogs about cars and sport but there's no love or emotion from him towards me. He never says he loves me. I asked years and years ago for him your say it from time to time because it need to hear it but he said it's just 'not the way he is'. He assumes that I hanker after the other man but I don't. I finished the affair because i saw just how wrong he was for me. I had been attracted by having attention and no trappings of a real relationship. It lasted 5 weeks. Our families know that I cheated. Some close friends know too.

Sounds like the failed ivf attempts were not the only reason for your affair rightly or wrongly, I'm not here to judge. Your relationship with your dh sounds a bit of a mismatch. You've told him what you need to hear from him but he refuses on the grounds of 'that's not the way he is'.

Perhaps you need to look at if your marriage is worth fighting for. If you feel it's always going to be a stalemate then it's probably best to separate.

I just want DH to love me and hug me and want to spend time with me. He has never strayed from our marriage but it feels like he wants to prevent me from being with any body new if we separate and divorce. In the past he said he would kill himself and just found him stockpiling paracetamols in his work bag. That was a really long time ago.

Has your DH ever been affectionate?
I mean before the affair?

I think that maybe it was a dealbreaker for him, but he won't let you go for some reason.

Even though you cheated, you are free to end the marriage if it's not working for you.

If your DH is saying that's just not him, then you won't get your emotional needs met by him and if it WS me, I'd seperate and divorce.

I won't be held to ransom by threats of suicide.

You need to decide what is right for you. You don't need his permission to leave. There's no point in hoping for something that won't happen.

Maybe when he realise you aren't going to stay in the marriage as it is, he'll try and improve. If he does fine .... if not then you move forward.

Some people just can't get passed infidelity. That's fine ... but there is no point in being miserable. I find men especially, just staying married, but full of bitterness and resentment.

BTW - you can do long term fostering which is very rewarding and it pays. Even if you leave the marriage, you can be a single parent foster carer.

I presume you considered adoption or decided it wasn't for you?

At the end of the day, you only get one life. Don't be miserable.

I would really like to adopt if I could. That is a major thing for me but DH does not discuss anything. He does not trust me and in a row a few months ago he said " you'd force me into adopting and then when you'd got a kid you'd take them and leave. I'm extremely hurt that he would think I would ever use a child in that way. I love the idea of bringing up a child. I have a lot of love to give to someone. My pain could so easily be lessened if he would talk to me and cuddle me. I can't get into his brain. He has not really been particularly affectionate but he does not do anything overtly bad. I think that's makes him I passive aggressive I believe it's called. I am stuck here because he will make life uncomfortable and difficult if I leave. I can't horse him to sell the house and he earns more than I do. He would need to buy me out but he says he deserves more than half because he claims he paid for the windows and building materials etc. I earn approx 3/4 of his earnings. I am saying up cash that I wanted us to use for when/if we adopted a child. He would be able to have paid adoption leave to a greater degree than me. I'd want the lions share of the responsibility of an adoption. I want the school run and bedtime routine and the sitting down to eat together. It's getting worse as I get older. Can I adopt as a divorcee?

All sorts of people foster and adopt; single, married, straight, gay. I think the vetting process is quite stringent (as it should be) and you will probably be expected to answer some pretty searching questions. Sounds like your husband may not be very on board with the idea though and I don't think it would be possible unless your couple relationship was in a good place. All the people I know who have fostered and adopted have faced challenges - as you would expect if children have suffered trauma early in life - so your relationship needs to be extra strong, I think.I should add they have all found it fantastically worthwhile, especially the couples I know who have adopted. Most of all, they have transformed a child's life.