I will try to keep this as brief as possible.
When I was 14 I was raped. It wasn't overtly violent but there was a struggle and I was restrained. I was babysitting for a family member, their partner's sister (17) was also babysitting with me. She invited her older boyfriend around and he came with his friend. The girl and her bf went upstairs and I was left alone with the friend, this was when the rape occurred.
I was too scared to tell anyone and buried it. It occurred in my mother's home country and I stopped visiting after the assault. My grandmother then got ill when I was 19, and I was required to visit her. When I did so, I found out my rapist had just been convicted and jailed for grooming and raping a 13 year old. The guilt I felt was immense, and my life went in to a tail spin. I dropped out of uni, sold my car and belongings and went travelling. For around 4 years I was a bit of a wild child, partying, moving from place to place and just generally a bit lost. I can say this with hindsight as at the time I thought I was having a ball, but I was just running away. I then got in to a toxic relationship that was emotionally abusive and eventually violent. I left that relationship at 2am with just the clothes on my back. I moved back home, finished uni and got a professional job. My life was coming back together but I was unable to form appropriate relationships, I seemed to seek narcissistic, emotionally abusive men. Sex became unimportant, a means to an end and was pretty much an empty experience. Yet I sought it time and time again, never strangers but I would have no strings sex with male friends. I wasn't happy and one night found myself seriously considering suicide. I attempted to take some pills but I was drunk and didn't really have any clue, I ended up making myself sick but this incident is something no one know of. I realised in the cold light of day I didn't want to die, but realised something had to change.
I ended up contacting Rape Crisis. Their support was the turning point for me and I sought my own counsellor and saw them for nearly a year. I was diagnosed with Rape Trauma Syndrome, explaining some of my behaviour. It did answer a lot for me and probably saved my life.
The guilt hasn't gone away, the fact that I did not report him and he went on to rape a child eats away at me. I'm not sure if I can report it now, there are no witnesses, just me an him. I just know I am at a place where I am strong enough to face it all. The other issue with reporting him is that my DH knows nothing of this and neither do my parents. I don't want either of them to know. By the time I met DH, I had my shit together, he just thinks once upon a time I was a party girl, our relationship is fantastic and I don't feel that this is something I have to share with him, nor do I want.
My parents are another issue, my mum wasn't around much (demanding highly paid job) when I was a teenager and feels very guilty about this, she also suffers from anxiety and other health issues, I feel telling her would be detrimental to her health and our relationship, she would be so upset that I felt I could never tell her this. I don't even want to think about telling my Dad.
It happened on New Years Eve, so the time of year has dragged it all up again.
I'm not even sure what I am asking. Does anyone have any experience of reporting historical rape? It was 22 years ago. Am I wrong to think that I do not have to tell my DH this?