I've been stupid. Give me a good talking to.

[caterpuller]

I'm in a long-term relationship (25 years) with 3 children, but my partner and I haven't had sex in over 6 years. His choice, not mine. He says he has no drive at all and is not capable of getting an erection. He's an alcoholic, who has functioned and kept it under control until about 6 months ago when it started to spiral. He's barely functioning right now, although managing to hold down his job, he is drunk unless he's in the office.

Anyway, about 6 months ago he confessed to having in the past paid for sex. I was shocked at first, but even more shocked by my lack of emotion. And hearing that news spurred me to seek a physical relationship with someone else. I crave intimacy - sex, kissing, the closeness of being naked with someone who is attracted to me. I can't bear never having that again. My partner was never intimate and there was never any type of foreplay. His idea of sex was straight penetration, until he came. There was never any enjoyment in it for me, and I regret bitterly now that I couldn't talk to him about it.

Anyway. Long story short. I met a man who lives overseas - in Europe - and we had passionate and intimate sex when he was visiting the UK on a fairly regular basis. I thought we had a real connection. But he has turned out to be a shit. Of course! And now I need to cut all ties with him and get over it. But I am finding it hard. I don't feel emotionally strong enough to do it. I hate that I am behaving like a doormat, and I know it's not good for me. I know it's actually the last thing I need, but I feel desperately lonely and unwanted.

I need someone to give me a good kick up the arse. So please give me some words of encouragement so dust myself off and find some self respect. I'm really struggling right now to muster the strength to do what I know is right.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Adora recovery from his alcoholism. We are actively seeking help for him, but of course he is not making it easy.

You cannot rescue him from alcoholism, especially when he very clearly doesn't want to be rescued.

Have you had any contact with Al-Anon? They support families of alcoholics.

Unfortunately your H's primary relationship is with alcohol, and you're coming between them. You must protect your children from further damage. Having an alcoholic parent - no matter how "functional" - does a lot of damage to a child, which often doesn't manifest until later life. Search for "adult children of alcoholics" for a really harsh eye-opener :(

You and your kids deserve better than this half-life.

But do you not think by staying the status quo will be maintained and your life will be slipping away, ten years could pass with no change and imagine how you will feel then, perhaps you feel guilty about the affair?

mytime79 I don't love him anymore. But I don't hate him. I think he's weak, and troubled. There are issues in his family life that have affected him emotionally. I think he needs lots of support to get through this. He's not a bad person..I am not unhappy being around him, he's not abusive or unpleasant (I'm not saying that a lack of those things is a reason to stay…just explaining what he's like as a person). But his drinking has become a real problem and is affecting my life to the extent that I don't leave him alone with the children for any length of time when he has the opportunity to drink (for example at weekends).

X-post, but I wanted to say about this
I worry that leaving him will be the catalyst for real decline (worse than now)

That could actually be what he needs. Sometimes it's only when someone loses everything that they realise they are destroying their own life.

How long do you think he will keep his job?

Adora10 yes I do think that. I do worry that I have spent the best years of my life in a relationship that has lacked real physical intimacy and passion. I have never orgasmed with him. I find that very hard to admit. But that was part of the catalyst for seeking fulfilling sex elsewhere. I thought I could have my cake and eat it.

pocketsaviour I know what you are saying makes sense. I can't explain my sense of loyalty and the battle I have internally about doing just that…..making him lose everything so that he hits rock bottom.

I really don't know about the job. However, his working situation does allow a certain degree of autonomy and independence, which has enabled him to hide the extent of his problem. So far.

The main mistakes have been staying with him and thinking you can help with his addiction.

pocketsaviour thank you for the advice about Al-Anon. Yes I have tracked down a local group and have started going. I am very very concerned about the children. I have done my best to protect them from it but our eldest son is nearly 12 and I think becoming more aware. So I know I need to take steps now. And I also know I can't make him help himself. He as admitted he needs help, and has asked me to help him.

I think the main elephant in the room is his alcoholism, until that is addressed and rectified, nothing will change but does he really want to stop, I can see why he wouldn't, nothing has changed for him, he has his job, his family life, what incentive is there for him to stop, I don't really see one.

He is also fiercely loyal to his family AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (gasp for air) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAA NO. No he fucking isn't, at all. He's a cock who betrayed his family for a shag with you.

Get a grip. Ditch both of these men, ditch the martyr vision of yourself leading this miserable existence for your alcoholic spouse who you're cheating on anyway, and find someone you can properly love and commit to and who does the same to you.

He is also fiercely loyal to his family

No, he's a man who wants the family set up etc and the trappings it brings but also wants shags on the side with any woman, even married ones.

if he wants help, he should seek it.

Your primary responsibility is to your DC (and yourself) and leaving would likely be best for them and you.

Your DC will already have had very damaging role modelling.

Cater- I only mentioned that because in a previous post you said "we both love our partners"

You sound confused about everything to be honest.

Fatoldbag ditch the martyr vision of yourself leading this miserable existence for your alcoholic spouse who you're cheating on anyway.

Actually, I don't think I'm a martyr. And I'm glad your life is so perfect and you are such a paragon of virtue that you can be so unpleasant to other people. Thanks for your advice, but I'm going to ignore you.

Mytime yes sorry I did say that. I meant love in a sense that is more about a longterm relationship, having children together, the things we've experienced as a couple and a family….despite the lack of physical relationship there is something still there, but I am sure that is true of many very long term relationships. That you settle in to a comfortable existence which lacks excitement and passion. I was happy with that for years, but things changed. And the other man, he talked about feelings for his family and his wife, and a sadness that although feelings still existed, they were also not physical, and that there was no desire left between them. But he cares about his wife and children, and is not prepared to abandon them even though he has apparently thought about it in the past. I never asked him to either - because I didn't want to be with him permanently. I don't know why any of that is so hard for people to understand! It's complicated.

Just end your marriage for goodness sake!! Six years! Why would you stay? You only have one life is this how you want to live the rest of it?

And I would say the exact same thing if it were a man posting this. I don't agree with cheating but can kind of understand. Better thing would be to end the marriage.

Mytime of course I'm confused. Why else would I be in this situation?

Adora10 thank you for your helpful and considered advice. You are right. I have enabled him for many years to continue drinking until the point where it is out of control. I feel deep regret about that, and yes I do feel responsible. That's why I am confused. Of course he has no motivation to stop, although he does have a realisation that he is powerless to control his compulsion to drink, and has his own concerns about his health and his ability to carry on like this. He's suffering and it makes me unhappy to see it.

Adora yes I agree about the shagging on the side, but that's also what I was looking for. And yes, we both wanted it with someone we liked, connected with, we had a lot in common and the physical attraction was strong, but the relationship was not physical to start with, the sex was not how it started. But I had been thinking about what it would be like to go down that road, so I was open to it. He didn't have to try very hard to seduce me. I was extremely willing. I do believe however that he is committed to his family and I am to mine. I never told him any of this about my partner, because I didn't want him to know that much about me.

Sorry OP, there is zero commitment for him to his partner or you to yours or in fact your OH to you, it's all dysfunctional.

You were both looking for a bit on the side, you got it except you were hoping for more and of course he's not interested in anything more than a shag.

Open relationships are different, all parties know and are in agreement, what you and him did was not that, you choose instead to keep it a secret and deceive.

In your shoes, I'd leave him for the sake of the kids.. Don't think they are not aware.

This is a very damaging role model: father a drunk and mother. Co-dependent, trying to manage the situation and normalising it.

Cater- not surprisingly. Some of the comments on here are very unhelpful. I can see why you have done what you have done and to be frank, in your shoes I would have done the same had I not felt able to leave There are lots of "perfect people" on MN. I get what you are saying about the caring for someone but you really don't have to stay with someone just because of that. Easier said that done. However sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. Humans crave intimacy.

There are a lot of judgemental people on here!! Nobody should judge another person unless you have walked in that persons shoes!! Also Never say never I've heard it a million times from id never have and affair! I'd never be with someone who was married!! But we are all
Capable of it given the right situation and the right time in our lives!! Do yourself a big favour and start looking after YOU and your DC. Forget about the other man put it down as a bad experience or even a good one!! Good luck with whatever you choose to do but don't stay with someone just because it's easier. Life is too short for that

Thank you mytime. Yes it's very easy to judge other people and I have done it myself, many times. Yes lots of perfect people on here! And my experience plus those of many of my friends have shown me that life is not as straightforward as finding a partner for life and never fucking up. Especially once you are in your late 40s. There's not much I haven't seen amongst close friends and family. Life is complicated….Yes I craved the intimacy and I looked for it and realise it was a mistake. Now my priority needs to be the children. Alcoholism is an illness and my problem is that I am convincing myself that if he had cancer, I wouldn't leave him, so why would I leave him because of the drinking. I know that's wrong.