Wife left for another man... then split up with him after 6 weeks...

[LovingDad42]

Hi,

Sorry, as a man, I feel a bit of an interloper on a site called Mumsnet, but I would really appreciate some advice on my situation. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Bit of background: in 2012 I accidentally found out my wife was planning on walking out on me and taking our (then) 6 year old son with her. I persuaded her to go for sessions at Relate. and after a few months everything seemed ok again. Then in 2014, out of the blue, no indication anything was wrong, I came home from work to discover a note; she’d done just what she’d been planning to do two years previously. I was in pieces, but after about 4 months I’d come to the conclusion that if she could do something like that with no warning once, she could do it again, and that I should just seek a divorce.

Then she said she wanted to come home.

I melted, and accepted her back. She’d taken up running a few years previously, doing the London Marathon for charity, and for various reasons (none of them sufficiently good) I’d not been as supportive of her as I should have been, so I just took this as my punishment.

Move forward to November 2016… again, I accidentally (genuinely, I’ll give details if you want, but trying to keep this as short as possible!) discover that something is wrong, she’s either seeing someone else, or is planning another “moonlight flit”. Three days later, via another note left for me when I get home, I discover it’s actually both. This is two days before my father’s funeral, and a week before our son’s 10th birthday.

This time… I actually felt liberated. She’d been very distant from me for months, almost recoiling from me when I made any attempt at intimacy, and now I knew why. She’d been seeing someone else for 9 months.

Our son, understandably, was, and is, heartbroken. We’d had no rows, no shouting matches, as far as he was concerned, everything was great.

So, here we are in January 2017, and… she tells me they’ve split up. He’s a “selfish ”, apparently. He was paying for the flat they shared, he’s moved out, and she can’t afford the rent, so she’ll have to move in with her mother. She’s currently in a really bad state, mentally. NHS crisis teams, diazepam, the works.

Although a large part of me hates her for how she’s treated me (not to mention our son), I’d be lying if I said I don’t still feel some affection for her, and I don’t like seeing her suffer. Our son, obviously, just wants mummy back. :(

She’s not said so outright, but I fear she’d like to give it another go. And it goes without saying, our son is already assuming we’ll get back together. But… I don’t want to, and feel massively guilty for feeling that way. :(

Anyway… please.. be gentle with me. ;-)

I wouldn't take her back, too much distrust. I'd be forever wondering when the next 'flit' might be.

Hard as it is on your son, I think happy stable albeit-apart parents will be better overall in the long run.

And if she genuinely is decent and manages to sort herself out and show loyalty, then nothing stops you from reuniting in the future, if that is what you both want.

Just echoing what others have said, not your fault and so the guilt you feel isn't your's either.

Short term you need to stop the roller coaster. Long term you need to show your DS that this is not the right way either to treat a partner nor allow a partner to walk all over you.

Be kind to yourself.

I agree with other posters, it's simply not fair on your son to keep this charade going any longer. Plus I think it's important for him to see (a) that he should value himself higher than this in a relationship and (b) that actions have consequences. Taking her back repeatedly is a terrible example for him to see.

I would talk to a solicitor and see what is appropriate - although she abandoned the family home, as it was your ds' home until recently and she is his primary carer, would it be 'better' (albeit very unfair) if you moved out so she could move back in again?

Also your feeling of affection towards her and guilt about making her suffer are because you're human and it's normal to feel like that, not necessarily something that means you have to feel compelled into accepting her back. Every normal person feels compassion for other people, even complete strangers, in distress.

Be kind to yourself

If you still have feelings for her, do yourself and your son a big favour. Put them on hold and insist she goes for CBT and therapy.
See how she is in 18 months time after that. She clearly has stuff she needs to work through, and you need to protect yourself.

All this in four years. If the latest hadn't been a selfish ** she would still be with him. You are the fallback guy when no one else is available. (Sorry). You have gone above and beyond trying to keep the family together. You and your son deserve more. Move on, takes some time and find someone who really does ❤️ you. Best of luck.

Not sure about moving out of the FH Tribpot it sounds Loving Dad as though you are the main carer for your DS at the moment. If her MHZ is so unstable as to require crisis intervention then she needs time and space to concentrate on herself and getting well. Probably does not have enough energy to pare to be a good parent.
Your DS is around 10 now if my maths is right? concentrate your efforts in Maintaining a good relationship between them but I think you should walk away from this marriage. Get help from Relate but from the point of view of sorting out the separation in the best way possible for you all

Look out for yourself, and your DD. She's been looking out for herself, ignored her vows. She should have been supporting you when your dad died, but she was just looking out for her own interests- selfish selfish selfish. wouldn't take her back in your shoes.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time.

lovingdad this is so sad. I am so sorry for you and your son. It is good you understand and can work out why she is the way she is.

I would just suggest you look after your boy, protect and care for him, guard your heart and offer your wife/ex (however you are thinking of her), any support you can (for the sake of your son). She will always be your son's mum and the best outcome I think for you now is not that it all goes back to 'normal' but rather she gets herself sorted out, long term. What the future holds after that is for you adults to decide.

Your priority now is your son, as I am sure it has been because your posts are very sensitive.

Do not feel guilty, you need to be strong now, guilt will be a negative force in your life. Find good and supportive help, where you can.

Hold it together, cry when you need to. I really hope things will be better.

I second... "Be kind to yourself".

Christ, I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole

You just carry on being the best father you can for your son. You cannot save her.

nursy no, the ds is not with OP. OP's wife took him with her when she left the family home for her fling.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I feel terribly for your wife in a way, too. She sounds very troubled. Take custody of your son and move forward without any guilt. Build the happiest life you can.

Please think long an carefully what you would like to happen now Loving Dad maybe try and talk to your wife about things when she is more stabalized she does not sound as mature as you are but this is no reason to just quit
Nobody knows the issues that you may have had in your marriage but do hope that you can resolve some things and move on whatever you choose to do

tribpot - Apologies if misunderstood. Thought Loving Dad said although that was case initially DS was now with him. ...

"she took DS (learning the lingo...) with her to their flat, and he hated it, he's been with me almost every day since because she knows he's more happy here. She's a decent person, just very, very messed up."

Is she bipolar by any chance? Just that I recognise a lot of similar characteristics / actions.

Not that that really excuses things. You have every right to be fed up and not want to have her back. Similar to an employer doing everything they can to accommodate someone with long term health problems (of any sort, not just mental health) - at the end of the day they can't be forced to employ someone who is constantly on long term sick leave to the detriment of the business.

Not sure if that makes sense, it's late!

I have a similar issue. I have been regularly (e.g. on average every 6 weeks) flying 12 hrs economy to see my DS in school. On the very few occasions my DH has had to do the trip (umm..because I was working..) economy is 'not available'. He is only 2 inches taller than me. The extra cost has been massive. It is infuriating as I have felt under double pressure to rescue the family budget, but I decided it was a battle I could not win, at least not directly.
Have you considered winter sun destinations within 3 hrs? They do exist. Up a mountain in Switzerland, a posh hotel/spa in Madeira or Portugal, or the south of France? That would call his bluff.

FWIW, I think it is her illness, not her. She's had a hell of a life.

Yes you are probably right. But knowing it doesn't change what she's doing to you and your son. In the end it doesn't matter why she's treating you like shit, she just is. Just because you think there might be a valid reason that she can't help doesn't mean you are honour bound to suck it up. Your compassion is laudable but don't be a total doormat.

Get full custody of your son. Wish her well and detach from her other than making arrangements for her to see your son. Hope that she seeks the treatment she needs to get well (or at to manage whatever it is that she's suffering from, sounds like it could be bipolar) but also accept that she may never get well enough to function properly in your marriage. Start divorce proceedings and move on.

Sorry, bit confused, was she showing any signs of being mentally ill before the latest lover abandoned her or do you think it's just a result of the shock of being dumped and feeling sorry for herself?

She might have been doing all this for years because she's bipolar or she might just be a flaky, selfish entitled twat with no morals who thinks she can pick you up and drop you as it suits her.

Either way you need to feel no guilt at all about not allowing yourself to be manipulated by her nonsense in future.

I'm glad to see your ds is mainly with you. That was my first concern firstly because your wife seems to be having mental health issues and secondly because you've hinted her home life as a child wasn't great, is that correct? If this is the case, I wouldn't want my child living at her parents house. It sounds as if you are the glue, who did his best to keep the family together and if must be really hard. Im echoing what all the other posters have said, you can't and shouldn't get back together with her or at least not for the foreseeable future. For your sake as well as for your ds. He is old enough for you to explain some of your reasoning and help him to heal his heart.

It definitely sounds as though your ds needs to be living with you. This can always be reviewed if or when your wife seeks the help she needs. You sound like a lovely man. I come on here a lot. There are so many women on here, who would love a decent man. I'm sure that's not what you're looking for right now but just something to remember when you're weighing the pros and cons of going back or looking forward.

You don't have to live together, married, separated, divorced or whatever you are. If living together brings problems don't do it.

I would get a home for you which has room for your son and find somewhere for her, flat, room whatever, reasonably near so son can visit.

But then leave her to get on with it. You can't fix her illness or mental health problems or selfishness if it is that.

She sounds horrendous.

Cut all non-emergency contact with her & move on with your life. There are 3 billion women on the planet, don't let that wrong un' take up too much headspace.
You deserve to & will find the right person

She does sound ill.
But unless you are trained psychotherapist a a qualifier mental health professional, you cannot help her.
She will need professional help and you need to let her get that.
Without you as her fallback.
Do what you can for your DS.
You don't want her back so don't take her back.
You'll be living with mistrust and walking on eggshells forever if you do.

Ah @nursy1 you're right, the ds is mostly back in his own home now. That's good. In which case I don't think my suggestion of the OP moving out is valid - although the situation could become complicated if the OP's wife decides to try and force a return, as she was presumably the primary carer until recently.

OP, you sound like a lovely person. You cant let your son think its ok for you to be a doormat, if you do you risk him allowing himself to be treated like that in future too. Your son is used to you both being split , I actually think getting back with her would do more damage in the long term if she decides to go again.

Maybe feel sorry for her, but don't feel guilty, she has created this situation through her own choices whether she is ill or not.

Do not get back with her, she sees you as the safe option but she will not be happy long term and she will leave again.

She is currently homeless and ill, personally I'd be going for custody of your son to ensure he has a stable home life.