Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Stuck in my thoughts

15 replies

Seekingsolitude · 10/01/2017 22:29

Have nc'd for this as didn't want to be identified. I had a short relationship a few months ago that was very intense but ended pretty abruptly after we had a row and he stopped speaking to me. He tried to come back a short time later but I refused to take him back due to his twatishness.

So moving on a few months I'm really glad the relationship ended as I've since realised he was a narc and a compulsive liar. But I'm stuck with some repetitive thinking that I just don't know how to stop.

I keep going over and over things trying to understand how I fell for such a loser in the first place. I'm sooo angry with myself for believing his lies even though my head was telling me something wasn't right at the time. I feel the experience has left me feeling like a weaker version of myself. I used to see myself as so strong but now I think maybe I'm not as I let this idiot get close to me.

How do I let myself off the hook and chill out about it? Every other aspect of my life is fine, I'm just sick to death of beating myself up about this guy. Has anyone else gone through this and how long will it take before I can just forget about it?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 10/01/2017 22:36

Don't give yourself a hard time about it and in particular, please don't think you're not strong! You had enough strength (and self-respect) to send this man packing when he tried to come back. You recognise that you let it go when you knew he was lying to you - maybe subconsciously you just feel you need to replay it to forearm yourself against any similar tossers you may encounter in the future. I reckon a year from now, you won't even remember the chap's surname.

VivDeering · 10/01/2017 22:41

I'd try the feeling good workbook (or something like that) by Dr Burns.

Original poster

Seekingsolitude · 10/01/2017 22:42

Thanks Fetchez, I think you're right about it changing my view of any future possible romances. I'll certainly take a long time getting to know someone before embarking on any relationship. It has really put me right off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Seekingsolitude · 10/01/2017 22:45

Have you read that book Viv? Was it any good? It looks interesting.

OP posts:

SadTrombone · 10/01/2017 22:47

The experience hasn't weakened you - it's helped you become stronger than you were previously.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that.
Well done for putting your foot down with him and sticking to it! ♡

VivDeering · 10/01/2017 22:55

I read the first few chapters and found them very helpful in terms of changing the way I think.

Original poster

Seekingsolitude · 10/01/2017 22:59

I know I did the right thing ending it competely even though at the time it would have been easy to just fall back into the excitement of the relationship. I thought I was saving myself from all the drama I knew he would bring me.

Instead I end up torturing myself anyway but for getting involved in the first place. It's like I can't recognise I did a good thing for myself by letting go. I'm just focusing on what an idiot I was for listening to the rubbish he used to come out with. He had an answer for everything yet these answers never fully added up. And I was aware of this at the time and am now mad at myself for not pulling him up more on it.

I've had some amazing relationships in the past and one or two not so good but this one has left me thinking wtf happened there? What on earth was I thinking?

OP posts:

Original poster

Seekingsolitude · 10/01/2017 23:00

I'll give that book a go, thanks.

OP posts:

JessieDoops · 10/01/2017 23:02

Everything happens for a reason... And maybe the reason in this case was to make you aware of twats like him. You won't fall for one again.

Don't beat yourself up, you've learned for this and it's made you wiser. Positive outcome from a shit experience I'd say

JessieDoops · 10/01/2017 23:03

*from this

reggaesongbird · 10/01/2017 23:10

Bless you. I've been through this process (more than once) you've done nothing wrong. It's easy to be fooled, people who deceive have spent a lifetime perfecting their art.
You have to be kind to yourself, I try to practice self compassion, not always easy but one tip is think , what would I say to my best friend if she was beating herself up like this?
Talk to yourself like you would a friend. This has been a harsh experience for you, your brain is processing the whole thing, you will now have learned some more signs to watch out for in order to protect yourself more in future. Big hugs in solidarity x

Original poster

Seekingsolitude · 10/01/2017 23:14

Wow you lot are being so kind. Thank you all it's really helping. I'm too embarrassed to talk about it in rl as I keep thinking it shouldn't even be an issue.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 10/01/2017 23:20

Hi lovely. I think if you're not cynical and judge people by your own high standards and behaviour then it's easy to miss, especially at the beginning. At least you realised and didn't spend that much time with him (unlike me!).

DaisyDanzel · 10/01/2017 23:21

I don't think there are many people who haven't looked back at a past relationship/love interest/romantic situation and thought..."what on gods earth was I thinking!?". I know I do with one of my ex's.

What made me reply is I feel like I can maybe associate with the way of thinking you describe. I've had similar but under different circumstances. I can get stuck in a pattern of thinking such as "why did he say that if he didn't mean it". I reason an answer in my head...and then come up with another reason as to why my previous answer cannot be right. I send myself crazy. One question can throw up 10 more in my head. I don't know if this is in any way similar to how you feel but I go through phases of this. Sometimes it can last a week or 2. Thankfully it only happens occasionally and eventually I get over it. After some time I get so bored of myself when I keep replaying it!

Try and put it down to experience. You don't want get so hung up on it that you look back at THIS moment and wonder why you spent even more energy worrying about something that was already done with. You are human and you make mistakes like we all do. Onwards and upwards!

JennyHolzersGhost · 10/01/2017 23:29

Hi OP. You've handled this really well so give yourself a pat on the back and don't be down on yourself !
What I'd suggest in terms of how to process all this is to think about what it is within you that responded to him in the first place, and also what it is within you that is giving yourself a hard time about it all now.
Our responses to others come from what feelings of need we're experiencing. I'm not sure I'm expressing that very well. But instead of thinking about him, have a think about your emotional states and what your motivations were. I'm sure that it will help you reconcile your feelings about what went on.

Flip