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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

another family is taking over my mum!

24 replies

user1484083219 · 10/01/2017 21:40

I am not entirely new, posted couple of times over the years, but could not find my email account. anyhoo......

My mum moved abroad, as the weather makes her feel better there, she has 1 family member her own age nearby, her sister and she had a holiday home there already, it was a reluctant move but only within Europe and she did not want to leave my kids initially, who she was close to and are now in their teens..I said to her, we would visit (once or twice a year), skype, etc and we have done so.

However as soon as she got there, her neighbour (a local) which she vaguely knew beforehand, who has young kids, has become her best friend, which I thought was great, and I still do think it is benefical partly, as she takes her out, and the kids are getting close to her too. It seems to have crossed the line though, this family is all she talks about now, and they are going on trips and she has put off coming to UK to visit during the hols, because this family had a prior plan with her! I cannot quite get over the uneasy feeling, but not sure if I am feeling unreasonable. Not sure if it is jealousy or think she will be sucked in too far, not so much now but as she gets older...I have not said anything to her, although she can probably sense my annoyance when she only talks about this family and nothing else!! My husband and even her sister did say a couple of things/hints about it too.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 10/01/2017 21:42

Next time a visit to the Uk is suggested, can you say something like "Mum, I hope you can come this time because we're starting to think you prefer your new family to us!" With a PA smiley face?

228agreenend · 10/01/2017 21:45

The family's motives may be totally innocent, or totally manipulative.

Maybe your mum has adopted them has a surrogate family, and doing all the grandparent things she would have done if still living in the UK. She could be enjoying their company.

If you think they have ulterior motives, then make sure your mother's finances are secure, you have power of attorney etc.

Original poster

user1484083219 · 10/01/2017 22:03

I asked for POA before she left (before this family was in the picture anyway) and she dismissed it! So guess that is a 'no'. I did not push it, as it is up to her - but I know the dangers, from the horror stories you hear...

I do not know what to think, my gut tells me their motives are innocent but I do think that if you start thinking of them as family; she may do things she would not normally do with just friends, loans etc who knows...

I am pleased for her too, as I was worried about her going and missing us or being lonely....that is why feelings are mixed on this, wanted to know how other people would feel about it....

the family do not have a grandma nearby of their own....

OP posts:

VivDeering · 10/01/2017 22:38

What are you worried about? Can you name your concerns?

T0ppsTTiles · 10/01/2017 22:42

There are more recent stories in the news and on the radio
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-21517864

Whilst I sympathise about how you feel

Your Mum lives far away, so I would encourage her to make as many friends as possible

Atenco · 11/01/2017 00:31

I don't really understand why you would want POA for an adult that is compos mentis.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 11/01/2017 06:03

OP, trust your instincts - you would if it were your dc wouldn't you?

I think it's great that she's settling in to her new home and making friends.....however, it's totally natural to fear that someone may be taking advantage of her.
For all you know they could be using her for free childcare or her money or anything
Other than her sister she is essentially 'on her own' out there

Why don't pay her a surprise visit - just you. Then get to know her new adopted family for yourself.
You need that reassurance or you'll end up over analysing every little change in routine/plans

Also, make plans for her next visit and make her stick to them.
Maybe she's just got caught up in the excitement of her new life, and just needs a gentle bringing down to earth?

AmeliaJack · 11/01/2017 06:17

Atenco because once the adult isn't compos mentis you can't get POA.

After issues on both sides of our families with the previous generation both sets of our parents have set up POA for me and my DH. Everyone is in good health so it is likely to be a long while until we need them.

ProserpinaColada · 11/01/2017 06:39

How old is your mum?

Is she living in a country where the culture embraces older people?

greenfolder · 11/01/2017 06:44

Sounds great to me.
My mum is not a joiner and is old and lonely

DeathStare · 11/01/2017 06:58

I asked for POA before she left (before this family was in the picture anyway) and she dismissed it! So guess that is a 'no'

Does she have power of attorney for you? If not does that mean your finances aren't secure?

I'm sorry OP but you just sound jealous. So your mum has moved abroad, and because she likes being a grandma and this family don't have a grandma, they now have a relationship that mes them all happy. What would you like her to do? Sit in and pine for your family? If all she talked about was what she did with her sister, or a female friend of her own age, would this concern you as much? If not, why not? (I get that it's irritating when someone only has one topic of conversation though!) Maybe she constantly talks to this other family about you in exactly the same way!

You say that she put off a trip to the UK because she had prior plans. That seems perfectly reasonable. I would always (except in an emergency) honour a commitment I had already made when setting dates for other plans.

DeathStare · 11/01/2017 07:01

AmeliaJack Have you and your DH also set up POA? Unless there are specific health concerns you are just as likely to need them as your parents.

Ebbenmeowgi · 11/01/2017 07:06

I don't really understand why you would want POA for an adult that is compos mentis.

Because you have to sort poa whilst someone has the full capacity to consent. If you have older relatives (parents?) yourself it may be something you want to discuss with them (that and making an advance statement regarding their future care should they ever lose capacity).

PuellaEstCornelia · 11/01/2017 07:07

My husband and I set up POA when we got married. You set it up when you don't need it so that its there when you do. Nothing to do with health - I had a friend whose husband was in a coma after an accident. She was in a horrible position without it.
OP, can you go out to see your Mum? Maybe judge these people's motives for yourself?

DeathStare · 11/01/2017 07:25

PuellaEstCornelia I agree with you. That's why I asked. I have a friend who works with sorting out POAs and is always emphasising that young people are just as likely to need it as older people.

That's why I find it hypocritical when people suggest to their parents that they sort out POA or criticise their parents for not sorting out POA, when they haven't sorted out POA themselves. Everyone should have POA sorted - unless the parents have a specific degenerative illness the (adult) child who is pushing them to get it sorted is just as likely to need it themselves

Surreyblah · 11/01/2017 07:28

Why not just tell her that she is talking about this family A LOT?

LotsoNumbers · 11/01/2017 07:37

Visiting her once a year when she lives somewhere in Europe doesn't seem a lot. Maybe she just misses her family and sees this family as a substitute

Surreyblah · 11/01/2017 07:42

Many people can't afford more than one (or indeed any) family holiday in europe a year.

VivDeering · 11/01/2017 07:55

Maybe she's just got caught up in the excitement of her new life, and just needs a gentle bringing down to earth?

What?? She should be caught up in the excitement! Why does she need "bringing down to earth" and what would that involve?

nuttyknitter · 11/01/2017 08:51

I can understand why you feel uneasy but it may be perfectly innocent. My DM moved in with my DSiS and her family after my Dad died and I found it hard that all she talked about were my nieces. It was hard not to feel pushed out, especially for my DC, but actually that was who she spent most of her time with and so not surprising that she talked about them a lot. If she'd been a keen golfer, WI member etc then that would have been what she wanted to chat about. Try not to take it personally, it's probably entirely innocent.

Yoksha · 11/01/2017 14:13

My mum used to keep house for a couple of lawyers. They had a child. Eventually it was the total topic of conversation. When she came to visit, I had to accompany her on a shopping trip to buy the child a gift. My 2 Dd's used to just roll their eyes. It hurt at first, but then I got over it. No point in flogging a dead horse if the people who love you can't see that their behaviour is ott. Eventually she left her job, & all contact ceased. My mum was over invested in the relationships. But, the damage was done because us 3 had all moved on & didn't feel inclined to change when it suited mum. She never asked or mentioned the dynamics as they ended up.

Even my aunt, her sister used to look at me with a WTF face. Not comfortable when your going through it OP.

AmeliaJack · 11/01/2017 14:33

Deathstare Without going into details there are good reasons to have POA for our parents.

However, it is a good point that perhaps DH and I should have POA for each other.

imjessie · 11/01/2017 14:37

I have POA for my mum even though she is 72 and fine . My dad died 4 years ago and when we updated the will she asked me to have it there and then so it's easier if anything changes . It does happen . Nothing weird about it .

Isadora2007 · 11/01/2017 14:44

Honestly I would just be happy for them. That twee saying that friends are the family we choose can be right sometimes and it sounds mutually beneficial for your mum and her new friends.

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