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Relationships

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Original poster

Would this be a red flag?

26 replies

optimumprimer · 10/01/2017 07:56

Speaking to a guy online, seems nice, good chat, supposed to be meeting for a coffee this week, so far so good
However he's 45 never married and not had children, I don't know why that rings alarm bells with me but it does
He says it just never happened for him, got close but it didn't work out
An I over thinking this ?

OP posts:

Freedom2017 · 10/01/2017 07:59

I think this happens. Especially if he is into his career or travels a lot. I don't think it would particularly bother me.

Chocolatecake12 · 10/01/2017 08:00

Has he had a long term relationship in the past? Lived with partner? Did that partner have children already or did they have trouble conceiving?
On the face of it it is a bit 'red flag ' but if you like him it may be worth finding out in more detail why. That sort of information is not your usual online chat!

Freedom2017 · 10/01/2017 08:00

Perhaps find out a bit more about his relationship history. That might tell you more.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 08:02

However he's 45 never married and not had children, I don't know why that rings alarm bells with me but it does

Why? Not everyone gets married or has children!

Would you question a woman that you met in the same way?

Huskylover1 · 10/01/2017 08:05

Wouldn't bother me at all. When I met DH (also on-line), he was 35, never married and no kids. He had had plenty of girlfriends though. For various reasons, they never worked out. We've been together for 8 years now, we are married, and honestly happier than ever, still madly in love etc. No way would I write this guy off. He has no baggage and is most likely really ready to settle down. Sounds good to me :-)

OliviaStabler · 10/01/2017 08:05

Not for me. Plenty of reasons why he may never have married or had kids. As others have said, you'd need to find out more to settle your mind on this question.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 10/01/2017 08:11

My DH was like this at 39. He was very shy with women and had dated but not found anyone as amazing as me worth making the effort for, I suppose.
Be prepared for the possibility of awkward silences and if you enter into a relationship, him not knowing how to behave (ie sharing time, giving up things, how little bickers and rows work - everytime we had a disagreement he thought we were going to split up)
DH is an amazing husband and father and has got used to living with me quickly.
Don't write him off

roseteapot101 · 10/01/2017 08:12

i can see why that would ring alarm bells what if hes lying but what he's saying not uncommon.Just meet him in a really public coffee shop talk see how it go's you may find your worrying over nothing.

SleepFreeZone · 10/01/2017 08:14

Being 45 and never had a long term relationship would ring alarm bells. Being 45 and still living with parents would too. But being 45 without having kids or getting married wouldn't bother me at all.

Original poster

optimumprimer · 10/01/2017 08:18

Ok I reserve judgement until we meet, ☺ maybe not as unusual as I thought,

OP posts:

reggaesongbird · 10/01/2017 08:27

Good luck. I'm going to go against the grain here:
Since divorce I have met three of these men. All had issues, presumably from being alone so long and doing things their own way.
I had to deal with a lot of selfishness, dishonesty, bitterness about not having kids, desperate to get in with me and my kids, spiteful. Sexual issues...
It may have just been my perpetual bad luck.
I think it's important to find out whether he's had regular partners in that time, if not be very alert.
Also 45 and long term single is very different from 35.

maras2 · 10/01/2017 08:35

Should be ok as long as he doesn't still live with his mum.
Now that's a red flag.

CactusFred · 10/01/2017 08:38

No! I know several around this age who it had 'never happened for' who are lovely guys and don't deserve to be judged because of it.

Are you thinking a 45 year old woman would be weird if she was the same?!

TheNaze73 · 10/01/2017 08:38

Do you have children? If so, it would bother me.

I've met woman (and have read about men on here too) who don't understand that they'll never be your number 1 priority with children & they tell you they are ok with it but, all have turned high maintenance.

If you don't, I wouldn't see it as a problem

babynamereminder · 10/01/2017 08:38

I repeatedly see this sort of concern on MN and it still boggles my mind.

Middle-aged bloke with a failed marriage and three kids? Oh that's fine.
Bloke who has dodged ending up in a failed marriage with kids in tow? Ohh, red flag.

Thinkingofausername1 · 10/01/2017 09:49

Perhaps he is just One into his career?? Ask him if he is genuine, he will give you honest answers

Frankelly66 · 10/01/2017 10:02

Surely it's a dream come true! No crazy ex and no step children. Win win :-)

RosettaPebble · 10/01/2017 10:13

You just described my best friend.

Lovely bloke, loves kids, would have made a fantastic dad. Still would tbf.

Just never met the right woman. Has a full life, own business, hobbies etc. We are in a rural area and I think it's more common possibly?

My friend has his own home and has worked abroad a lot but last few years has been looking after elderly parents on top of work and other commitments. I wish I was attracted to him, he is genuinely the best man I know and would be an ideal partner.

Don't write him off until you have given him a chance OP. Could be one of the good guys.

Tenshidarkangel · 10/01/2017 13:10

Nah. He may have been with someone in the past that didn't want the whole marraige/ kids life or he's never found the right person to settle down with.
(Shrugs) It happens.

SoOverItNow · 10/01/2017 13:15

Not a red flag. Meet him and see what he is like.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 10/01/2017 13:19

Being 45 and never had a long term relationship would ring alarm bells. Being 45 and still living with parents would too. But being 45 without having kids or getting married wouldn't bother me at all.

I agree with this. My boyfriends is 44, never married, no kids BUT he has had a serious, long term relationship plus several other short term ones. I've had my fingers burnt a couple of times with guys who are recently out of marriages, with small children who seem to simultaneously want to have a great time being single and also be good dads to their kids which leaves very little time for a relationship.
My current guy has his life sorted - good job, own house, lots of friends, couple of hobbies and knows what he's looking for from a relationship. All of those things are more important than having been married/having kids.

SandyY2K · 10/01/2017 13:20

Not a red flag, though I'd be curious. If he had never had a long term relationship I'd really wonder why.

HotNatured · 10/01/2017 13:21

I'm 42 have never been married (have been engaged, however, I broke it off) and I don't have kids (entirely by choice).

I am not weird

I have a great, full life, loads of friends and great fulfilling relationships, have a great job and don't live with my parents.

Find the judgy ness on this hilarious considering I didn't get married as I realised he wasn't right for me, plus he wanted kids, I didn't want to have them for the sake of it as I know too many people who are resentful parents. Also know loads of people in shite marriages who again, married for the sake of it. In my opinion if more people thought hard about what they wanted divorce wouldn't be rife and there wouldn't be so many unhappy families.

Surely that makes me the sane one

user1470997562 · 10/01/2017 13:23

I know a couple of men who are just too selfish/can't compromise or share. I've known them since uni and it's a personality thing with them. They've not had any relationships of more than a few months and they're 50ish now.

On the other hand a friend of dh's just hadn't met the right person. I don't think he had a clue when it came to chatting up/flirting/asking people out. He was snapped up on the Guardian dating site in his forties and now has two toddlers.

So I think you'll have to try and see myself.

Stonewash · 10/01/2017 13:23

There could be some negative reason behind it, but there could be something about any new person you've recently met which then puts you off. Not everyone's lucky enough to meet the right person when they're young (or at all), and he hasn't settled for a relationship which wasn't the right one. So it could mean he is careful, considerate and honest, perhaps a bit shy and cautious.

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