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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Surely after seven months I deserve an explanation?

18 replies

Panda1990 · 09/01/2017 19:20

Hello everyone,

My first thread on here although I've been a long time lurker :) Sorry this is quite long but will try not to ramble!

I've been seeing a guy for seven months, although we never said we were boyfriend and girlfriend, which I guess I should have taken as a warning sign! He broke up with his girlfriend of three years about a month before we met...

At first everything was lovely, he messaged me every day to ask how I was and we saw a lot of each other. About four months in, I found out he was still messaging girls on Tinder. He insisted he was only chatting to them and not making plans to meet any of them and that I was the only girl he was seeing, and I was stupid enough to believe him. But things were still going well, we were still spending a lot of time together and talking every day.

Towards the end of November, things changed. Suddenly it was really hard to make plans to see each other, he kept saying he would let me know and then cancel, saying that his parents were over (they live abroad and come visit about twice a year) and didn't like him going out too much. During this time there were photos of him out to dinner with his friends... We only saw each other once, at the beginning of December, after he'd been out to dinner with his brother and I had been at a friend's house. Everything was fine, we had a nice time but I haven't seen him since then. I asked him before Christmas if he was avoiding me because he wanted to split up and didn't know how to tell me, but he said no, without offering another explanation.

I went away for two weeks at Christmas time and we barely spoke, although he did message me to wish me a Merry Christmas and a good trip back. We had plans to see each other on the night I came back, but he cancelled, instead offering to meet up on Saturday night after he'd been at football with his friends (which was meant to finish around 11pm, which I was fine with because I had plans with friends anyway). At this point I was already fed up of him constantly backing out of plans and not making any effort to see me, so I had decided that if he cancelled or told me he was going out with his friends and would meet me later on I would tell him things were over between us. Surprise surprise, on Saturday night he said he would be going out for drinks with his friends and would be in touch later. I replied saying we were over, and I wish I had left it at that but unfortunately ended up getting quite drunk and a few hours later I ended up messaging him inviting him over and called him a few times. He didn't pick up and didn't see my messages until the morning, and all he replied was "calm down, sorry I didn't reply, why did you call me so many times, my phone died".

I didn't reply to and since then, I have heard nothing from him. A part of me really wants to message him again and tell him how much he's upset me and what a dick he's been, but I'm not sure that would be much use. It makes me really angry though that he hasn't even acknowledged the fact that I've ended things. Surely after seven months, you would have more respect and consideration for someone?

OP posts:

fluffypigs · 09/01/2017 19:27

OP, that's really rubbish, poor you . To be honest, it sounds like you've had a lucky escape. He sounds quite immature and doesn't seem to know what he wants. You deserve better than that, and I know it might not feel like it right now but you will move on! We've all been there though and it is shit :-(.

Sparkesx · 09/01/2017 19:27

I think you were too emotionally invested in him. He split with his ex of three years just a month before you started dating. That's too soon IMO.

However, it is a shitty of him to slow things down/cut you off without explaining why. I wouldn't message him again, it isn't worth your time and would you really want someone who isn't honest/up front with you in your life anyway?

Cut him off and move on. He'll probably come crawling back in a few months.

Mabelface · 09/01/2017 19:28

Leave it. He's just not into you and he's shown you that. Chin high and think "fuck him".

Original poster

Panda1990 · 09/01/2017 19:34

Thanks, I know you're right.

As soon as I posted this thread, he messaged me saying "hi, how are you"... so don't think he really gets it? I think it's best for me to just ignore him, otherwise I will probably end up forgiving him in the moment, only for him to do this again in a few weeks.

OP posts:

AhYerWill · 09/01/2017 20:22

Tbf you're sending ridiculously mixed messages too, dumping him one minute then hassling him to come over the next. Text him once more saying you've enjoyed your time together and wish him well, but that you meant it the other night when you said you no longer wanted to see him. Then delete his number to avoid further drunken incidents.

moonchild77 · 09/01/2017 20:25

Block his number and move on. You're worth so much more.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/01/2017 20:35

This is the opposite of a relationship. Block his number and move on with your life. He is in no way entitled to any explantion from you.

10Betty10 · 09/01/2017 20:44

It sounds like it is over, sorry to be blunt. Best thing you can do is to exactly as asyawill* says and send a final polite but clear message, don't answer if he replies- if he is being difficult just block it and move on. The fact that at 4 months in he was still checking out his options on Tinder speaks volumes. Walk away with head high and meet someone better.

Stonewash · 09/01/2017 20:50

I think the explanation is that he's not that into you, but is 1) too cowardly to have let you know the score 2) not entirely honest with you about why he keeps cancelling and 3) taking advantage of your forgiving nature.

Don't keep going over it in your mind. You know deep down you've done the right thing and you can't trust him. He isn't going to prioritise you, but now you can move forward and meet someone who will. Don't look back

Tilliii · 09/01/2017 21:04

If he wants to be with you then he will do everything he can to be with you. If he is not with you its because you are not high on his priorities and are his fall back girl to meet after nights out that dont result in another woman.
You deserve to treat yourself better.

dontbesillyhenry · 09/01/2017 21:16

Doesn't sound like it was ever a relationship more a friends with benefits thing. By any chance the times you did see him did you end up having sex?

Original poster

Panda1990 · 09/01/2017 21:16

Thanks so much for your replies everyone I definitely feel like I've made the right decision ending things and I know I deserve better. Not even feeling that sad, just proud of myself for standing up for myself and looking forward to moving on.

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/01/2017 21:27

You've made the right decision. Sounds like he had tuned out. Don't give him the chance to tune back in again. Better men are waiting out there for you.

LesisMiserable · 09/01/2017 21:29

I dont think he saw an end as such more a phasing out which started a couple of months ago which is why you ending it hasnt really had an impact.

Move on and up.

TheNaze73 · 09/01/2017 22:28

He should have been honest with you, that you were his transitional relationship.

Cakeycakecake · 09/01/2017 22:36

I'd message back 'who's this? I deleted some old contacts- people I no longer speak with- and your number isn't saved?'
Twofold. Tells him he's not important to you and you give not a toss about him knowing it.
If he replies just say Johnny who? I'm sorry, have you got the wrong number? And ignore any calls from him.
Or just ignore him. But he will keep popping up.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/01/2017 22:42

It's horrible for you Op . Sounds like he has been keeping his options open by contacting other women . My guess is he thinks he can pick you up and put you down whenever he wants.

Ignore him - silence says a lot more than words sometimes.

springydaffs · 09/01/2017 22:59

My guess is he thinks he can pick you up and put you down whenever he wants.

Whatever you do, don't confirm that! He obviously thinks you're easy to pick up and drop (eg you finished it then hassled him to come round..yy you were drunk but it sent a clear message he can use you)

It was probably to early for him to go straight into a relationship so soon after his LT relationship ended. And you both pretty much went straight into every day contact - too much AND too soon.

I'll probably be shot down for saying this but imo men value what they have to work hard for. It's all been too easy for him, hasn't it?

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