Settling for a mundane, 'safe' life - is this the best I can hope for?

[SomewhereNow]

Long boring back story but the short version is I've been married for 15 years (together 20) to a decent man who I chose in part because my background was fairly turbulent. We did and do get on well but there was never any real 'spark'.

I'm not happy though. I know some of it is down to getting older but it's more than that. I feel trapped by a 9-5 job which pays the bills and allows a few treats but not much more, by a house which we've outgrown but can't afford to leave or improve, by the responsibilities of ageing parents which are only going to increase and by the stress of trying to do a good job of bringing up our teen DD.

In addition, DH and I just seem to have hit a brick wall. He's kind, does his fair share around the house, works hard and is a fairly good Dad. He can also be stubborn, grumpy and antisocial. The worst part is our love life which is practically non-existent. It was never great (I'm his only partner) and over the years I've given up trying to improve it - tbh having to force it or explain what I want takes all the joy out of it for me.

Recently I had contact with someone from my past. I stopped this before it went too far but the experience reminded me how it's possible to feel, something I never really had with DH and am unlikely to have now.

I've considered splitting up but our marriage is not that bad - he doesn't hit me or cheat and we do have good times. Surely I need a better reason than just wanting more from life to consider breaking up a family?

I am aware it could be 'the grass is greener' but I just look ahead and see more years of managing and getting by with no excitement and no passion - I feel like my life is over and envy my DD with hers ahead, it feels like the only happiness I'll feel now will be for her successes.

What the hell do I do? DH knows a little of how I feel but is burying his head I think. I can't carry on like this but wonder if it's just first world problems and I should be more grateful for what I've got and remember how scary being alone can be.

Really grateful for any advice, just don't know what to do :(.

Just wondering how I/we would go about getting counselling? I'm not sure if it's something we both need or just me. Would I have to do it through a doctor and if so what criteria would they be looking for in order to reccommend it?

have a look at Relate and CAB that sort of place. Also Mind allows self referral.

Please can I join this - I feel very similar to the OP. Having read all the way through the "not awful but not satisfying" threads, I feel bad because DH is not bad like many of the people on that thread. But nothing physical for at least 5 years, he wont talk to me about anything (sex, work anything meaningful) , and now it is at the stage I couldn't bear him to touch me anyway. I wrote him a letter last summer explaining how I felt - am still waiting for an answer :(

Just not sure what next steps to take - i suggested counselling but he wasn't keen.

So i know how you feel OP, no answers, but reading other posters' replies with interest....

If there was never a spark you cannot create it out of sheer will. Sorry.

Not sure I could stick it. I am relieved my husband finally left. Ok there are so many things I really miss about marriage but just not marriage with him. I'd love to have a mundane life but just with somebody else.
He never said a word, our sex life was dead as I didn't fancy him anymore and although my life isn't exactly exciting on my own it feels better.
It's just so sad for the children, but only you can know if you can deal with this for another 20 or 30 years.
Why not tell your DH you can't take it any more and are thinking of leaving. It could spur some serious change, councelling might also work.
Maybe he isn't happy either.
i think you owe it to him to be upfront and honest and at least talk it over.

We do need to talk again I know. He's behaving as though everything is fine now so nothing I said at Xmas has been addressed.

I saw some close mates yesterday and had a long talk with them. One (recently separated herself) thinks I should leave if I'm not happy but the other thinks we should work at it. I'm leaning towards that but obviously DH needs to be on board as well.

Talking to them has made me realise I do feel quite messed up in my head and that a lot of my 'issues' are not helping our situation. I feel like I should try and address them so that we can see if it makes any difference but at the same time it feels like me doing all the work.

I would recommend that you google for a local therapist or counsellor and choose one that is UKCP- or BACP- registered (not just "member").

One of the reasons for ending things with my Ex Dp is that there was never any real spark between us, and also the sex had declined into nothing. We also had very different sexual tastes and drives.

I don't believe that you can force a spark, or get one if there wasn't a real one in the first place. I made myself miserable trying to fix our relationship, the fact of the matter was we just weren't right for one another. We do make great friends and co-parents though which is good.

I recently went on a date with a man I'd met online and I felt happier than I had in years. I had forgotten what it was like to 'click' with someone and feel desirable.

I don't believe you should spend your life in 'resigned contentment'.

I relate very much to this. No spark at home, good man. While you might be tempted to have an affair, it won't fix your marriage or make you happier. Speaking from experience, my affair has only made everything harder--a mess of emotions from the side relationship making home life less bearable, the contrast between my DH and OM made me resent DH and feel more trapped. Sex with OM amazing, making me less willing to stay in my marriage. A soul connection that rocked my world. I will never have that with DH, but can't imagine life without it. Now I am sadder at home and also dealing with the heartbreak of having to end an affair before anyone gets hurt (OM's DC, for example).

I'm just thinking if you end it and walk away and don't meet someone else, you'll have nothing. And you'll be paying all the bills urself

What the fuck! If this was a man suggesting he'd just settle as he needed the woman who was a good provider but he didn't fancy to carry on contributing to the bills there would be BLOOD on here and cries of 'user' What an awful thing to say.

This was more or less my marriage only I was a lot younger. Turned out he'd been missing the Sparks and indeed looking for it elsewhere. You may find if you don't take the bull by the horns he will.

I agree with BacktoBlack - that doesn't read well at all.
I'm mid 40's 3 DD's and am in no way looking at ending my marriage as a way of stepping forward to find another relationship to ensure I cover my bills. I plan to cover them myself, nothing more, nothing less - I need to be independent and not worry what the future holds - if I stay alone for the rest of my life I'll be happy keeping myself happy.

Wow.
Thought provoking thread as I lie awake in bed for hours frustrated :-)

The one thing that stuck out like a sore thumb to me was - OP warns things to be different but says 'I don't see why I should be his teacher'. I think it's a little immature to fail to communicate your needs and the complain they aren't being met.

What sticks out for me is that you say it's not a bad marriage as he doesn't hit me or cheat on me. You want to stay cos he doesn't hit you, just sounds so sad. We are a long time dead.