Have just split with dh

[essieestherson]

Exactly what it says.

Things haven't been right for a while.

We have 3 dcs, 9, 3 and 5 months.

I posted back in March saying that he had visited a prostitute. I forgave and we moved on(ish) then I found out in September that he has been using escorts for at least 3 years...

With the birth of our Dd etc we have stayed together but over the last few months things haven't been great... we're more like roommates then husband and wife. (Although we've still been dtd at least once a week, mainly to stop him being moody...)

I have been thinking that we should end it for a few weeks now, then today he said he was feeling really fed up with the kids and with our marriage and lack of affection etc. I said I'm not sure if it's going to change. No matter how hard I try I can't force myself to want to sleep with him etc so maybe it would better for everyone if we part ways, try to remain friends etc.

He agreed and it all seemed okay, but now he is devastated, crying his eyes out, refusing to talk or eat etc.

I know this is probably the normal reaction but I just have no idea how to do all of this divorcing stuff and am really worried I'm going to end up suggesting we stay together just to stop him being upset.

Just want someone to tell me it'll be alright in the end as that I'm doing the right thing...

It WILL be ok. I won't pretend it won't be really hard at times but in the end you'll be fine.

Have you got a good support network (friends or family)

You are and it will.

I did the going back on splitting thing because I hated how hurt and upset he was and it just prolonged (and worsened) the agony. I finally took the step 7 months ago and although it has been very, very hard I do not regret it for a moment.

Thank you.

I know it will be better in the long run....I just really hate hurting anyone. I do have a really good support network which is the main reason I'm finally doing this.

He doesn't though, he has some great friends but he's alienated himself from most of them in the last few years, he has his dad but they don't speak about things like this and his sister who told me to leave him the other week..... this is why I'm feeling so bad I think. I know he'll get himself into a complete state rather then trying to be positive. I hate knowing that I'm part of the reason for it...

There's not a lot I can do about that though.

It honestly sounds as though you're doing the right thing. He's been using prostitutes and escorts - this is not a man who values his wife or children. Ignore the crocodile tears, and concentrate on ensuring you do what's best for you and your children.

He's got a nerve! Fucking crying when he's been up to to who and god knows what. Shize!

It's ok for him to be upset, the end of a marriage is an upsetting thing. Better to be upset at the end of a marriage than miserable within it. You are doing the right thing.

Thanks everyone. I've just left him to it now while I put the kids to bed.. no idea what to do next but I'm sure it'll all work out.

It sounds like he has been holding splitting up over you as a form of control, now you have turned it around and he is no longer in control and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

I would give him a few days for things to sink in, then (once you have your practical ducks in a row) talk about how things are to proceed. Will he be the one to leave the family home? Telling the kids. Where will he go etc? Will you need to sell your house?

Shame he wasn't devastated after shagging an escort whilst you were at home with your children. What a nerve that man has.

You've absolutely done the right thing, let him cry, he fully deserves to.

Wishing you and your children a happy future

He said something earlier about staying with his dad until we can sell the house.

I don't really know where I stand with this. His sister told me that legally he has to pay for me and the children to stay in the family home until our youngest is 18. I have no idea if this is how it works? Or if I would ask him to do this.

It would be a shame for the children to have to leave here but I'll just rent somewhere if we have to.

Think I'll let things settle first. It's all so complicated.

"He agreed and it all seemed okay, but now he is devastated, crying his eyes out, refusing to talk or eat etc."
Sounds to me as if he thought he could have his cake and eat it. I expect he thought when "he said he was feeling really fed up with the kids and with our marriage and lack of affection etc." that you would panic and try to win him over. Agreeing with him - well, he didn't expect that!

"I just really hate hurting anyone."
And he will know that about you, and is therefore trying to manipulate you. Do not be manipulated.

You have not caused by his, you have had no part in him pissing off to shag prostitutes! You didn't send him there, he left you with the kids to go and fuck other women. Don't feel sorry for him and stop ruddy sleeping with him. I have no idea how you have forced yourself to do this when he has been repeatedly unfaithful, sod his bloody moodiness, Jesus, that's unbelievable that he's being moody because he wants sex. Does he have an issue with sex, like an addiction? I don't know how he dares ask you.

Sounds like you've done the right thing for all parties

Essie have you told your/his family about the reasons for you splitting? I am asking somewhat selfishly as I'm in a similar predicament and we were planning not to explain the reasons but obviously to close family and friends that's going to be hard, however I do want to protect my kids from the sordid truth.
Back to you and I would try and make plans obviously you both need to consider the kids welfare as a priority and how you both can cope. Mediation or a solicitor or even counsellor will help.

My parents and his sister know about what he has done. I was on the phone to my mum as I found out (a text message came through on iPad) so told her straight away.

Sorry to hear your in the same position, it's so tough!

I just really hope we can keep the split as simple and friendly as possible, for the kids sake more then anything!

The way he is acting at the moment though I have a feeling that once he realises I'm not changing my mind things may get a bit nasty.

You need to see a solicitor, as it sounds like you don't really understand your rights.
He wanted you to forget it all, you can't (quite rightly IMO).
Time to move on.
You will probably be able to stay in your home if you want to, but to re-iterate, see a solicitor ASAP. Don't tell him what you're doing. It's amazing how they change when you get serious, IME.

Yes I'm really worried he is going to try and make things difficult for me.

Thank you for the advice, I really don't have a clue about any of my rights! I will sort seeing a solicitor tomorrow.