Am I really a liar?

[Sofiathefirst]

Another thread has prompted me to post today.

A few years ago, DP found out I'd had an affair with a married colleague - the affair had ended about 5 years before I met DP. The fall out from this has been huge - he has accused me of misleading him from the start. It has been very difficult. I've done all I can to make things right.

This week we had a row about something fairly trivial - as usual, he over-reacted and started calling me a liar because his recollection of something I had said earlier was different to my recollection. I know my recollection is correct because I would never have said what he claims I did. I'm now getting the silent treatment, which will continue till he forgets to keep it up.

So the question is - am I right to feel that I am being gas-lighted - to justify my continued penance - or am I just a liar - and deserve all I get?

"I'm now getting the silent treatment, which will continue till he forgets to keep it up."
The fact that you think he will forget to keep it up suggests to me that he has done this often enough for you to identify his pattern .

"he has accused me of misleading him from the start. It has been very difficult. I've done all I can to make things right."
I think you need to stop 'doing all you can'. I think he is using this past affair to control you. Yes, you had an affair. It was 5 years before you even met him. It has not affected him, except that it handed him a stick to beat you with.

I would have a calm conversation with him about his behaviour. Tell him that if he cannot accept what happened in your life before you were together, then he needs to leave and find someone who has no past whatsoever (and good luck with that). That you will not accept him punishing you any more, and the next time he refers to it in any way whatsoever, will be the end of your marriage, which by the way is on a shaky peg entirely due to your (asin, his) behaviour. And mean it.

IMO unless he asked if you had ever been involved with a married man then this is an omission not a lie.

I do agree that it appears he is using this to control you and I suspect 'win' every single argument or disagreement.

It's not on and you can't continue like this, if he genuinely sees you differently now then he should move on.

If knowing that you had an affair befire was a deal breaker for him, then I can see he would say this was a lie, not an omission.
However, I would also have expected him to say at some point (at the start of the relationhisp) that an affair was a deal breaker for him, even when it happened before he met you. And I would have expected him to talk about sperating as soon as he knew.

What isn't on is for him to use as a tool to beat you down every time things don't go his way.
The NOT remembering the same thing is a common thing to happen. He can't be using the pine of 'what do you expect?' To get his own way.
After all, if he really doesn't trust you like this, then why on earth is he still with you?

My ex used to do this to me a lot. He'd suddenly start questioning me about my relationship break ups from 10+ years ago and demanding to know everything. It wasn't stuff I especially wanted to go over but he was like a dog with a bone over it and just would not leave it. Eventually, he wormed it out of me that I had slept with someone else while in an FWB situation about 20 years before.

From then on, I was a liar and a cheat and I couldn't be trusted and it was thrown back at me at every single opportunity. I was also expected to 'make it right' and 'make it so he could trust me again'. So essentially, I was on probation. He decided he had the right to question me about everything at any time he chose. I was not allowed to refuse, express anger or ask him anything.

He wants to use it to control you and he will wheel it out as his trump card in every single argument. Bin him.

5 years before you met him? Not even remotelyhis beeswax. Tell him to fuck right off and if he starts with the sulking show him the door.

He needs to get a grip.

One of the worst ones was when I mentioned that I'd been sexually assaulted in the street when I was about 17. He went absolutely nuts over that.

I'd never mentioned it because it was a long time ago and I hadn't even thought about it for years. The only reason it came up was because we were talking about street harassment. He was angry because I had 'kept it from him'. Not because his DP had had that happen to her, but angry because I hadn't told him. It was utterly bonkers.

I was previously married to a man who was insanely jealous. This is exactly how he would have behaved in the same situation. It escalated to the point where he had me followed- that of course led to divorce.

Thanks for all of your posts. He is not concerned about me cheating - he just plays the liar card when it suits him.

I've always felt he had totally over-reacted to the whole thing. some of your posts have given me to understand why he has done that. That is helpful.

However, everyone seems to agree that at worst he should have dealt with this by now, either by accepting or by kicking me out.

Time I womaned up and stopped trying to placate him over this I think.

🤔