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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I help DP who is experiencing ED (out of nowhere)

18 replies

TijuanaLady · 08/01/2017 12:58

Been together for 4 years, see each other a few times a week. The sex has always been insanely amazing and he's never once had a problem getting or staying hard.

Until the last two weeks when it has happened every time Sad. I know (hope?) it isn't anything I'm doing wrong or a reflection of how much he fancies me but I am a bit sad about it. Haven't expressed this as obviously I don't want to exacerbate the problem. He's not talking about it and I don't want to pressure him into talking if he doesn't want to.

He's 42, fit and healthy. No recent stress/life changes. He's not taking any new medication that could be causing it.

Any tips for how I can help him through this? Do I just ignore and wait for it to resolve itself? We've been doing other stuff in place of piv which is also great but I am really missing actual sex.

Any advice? Am a long time member btw but have name changed for this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
TijuanaLady · 08/01/2017 14:37

Any wise words would be really gratefully received Flowers.

OP posts:
HeddaGabbler · 08/01/2017 14:48

He should see his GP as it can be linked to health issues.

BonsGirl · 08/01/2017 15:07

I'm another one advising the doctor... could he be stressed at work?

Original poster
TijuanaLady · 08/01/2017 15:43

I'll suggest the doc. I know he won't be keen and I can't make him do it but will try my best.

It's such a difficult issue because once it has happened, you're worried about it happening again and that is enough to cause it. A self fulfilling prophecy thing. Frustrated for him.

Thanks both.

OP posts:
helloheather · 08/01/2017 15:51

We had this, similarly just came (lol) out out of nowhere, no lifestyle changes or anything. It lasted a couple of months and then disappeared as quickly as it came. Absolutely no issues in that department now.

Throughout I just stayed positive and kept reminding myself it wasn't me (as did my partner to be fair).

If he's comfortable going to the doctor then great, but there's no way my partner would have!

Normandy · 10/01/2017 06:43

Definitely have it checked -- can be an early symptom of heart disease! (Constricted blood flow and all...)

Original poster
TijuanaLady · 20/01/2017 14:21

I'm back Sad.

So we didn't see each other for over a week (life is insanely busy/stressful for me at the minute), finally got together last night and it happened again. I said we should talk about it. He promised he would make an appt with his GP for his day off this week. He apologised and I told him here was no need to apologise but that it definitely needs to be sorted so he has to make that appt. Was that harsh?

I fell asleep feeling really disappointed, sad and unfulfilled. I know that makes me sound shallow and selfish but it's how I felt. It's been well over a month now with no sex and now he's starting closing himself off after it happens, not attempting any other sort of sexual contact, just cuddling. We're meant to see each other this weekend but I now don't feel hugely excited by that prospect.

Sex isn't the only good part of our relationship but it has always been the main part of it. A sexless relationship just isn't an option for me but I know I'll never find someone with whom I have the same level of chemistry and sexual compatibility as I do with him.

What do I do? Just hang back and wait for it to fix itself? Buy him something from Holland + Barret? The last thing I want to do is put pressure on him but I also want us to be proactive about it.

Help Sad

OP posts:
happymumof4crazykids · 20/01/2017 14:28

Wow maybe try being supportive and take the pressure off the poor guy? Do something together that doesn't involve sex and give him a cuddle?

Adora10 · 20/01/2017 14:28

So what does he expect you to do OP, just put up with it; yes fully support him but he needs to get to the Drs asap and get it sorted, if he's fit and healthy then hopefully they can help, it's not that unusual as you get older.

He's probably being a typical man and pretending it's not happening, but that won't help the relationship, so not you are not harsh, you are being realistic, I hope it gets resolved.

SleepFreeZone · 20/01/2017 14:32

If I were him I'd be booking the doctor first of all but then maybe thinking of viagra or similar just to get back on the horse and regain my confidence. If sex was a big part of your relationship then he can't be happy either right now.

pudding21 · 20/01/2017 14:42

Can he not fulfill you in others ways? Take the pressure off intercourse for a bit, and use other techniques to pleasure you?

Harrysgirl17 · 20/01/2017 14:48

Could be an early sign of prostate problems. He should demand a PSA test from his GP.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 20/01/2017 14:49

If when you said it had to be sorted you meant 'I'm worried about your health' (ie could be an early indicator of heart disease), that's not harsh.
If you meant 'ffs I really need a shag!' then . . .
Think about how it might have come across and maybe re-visit the topic if necessary.
I'd be devastated if my DH's main concern about my possible health issue was related to satisfying his own urges.

Original poster
TijuanaLady · 20/01/2017 14:52

Thanks all.

pudding we were doing other stuff when it first happened but the last few times he's kind of switched straight to cuddling/sleep.

The reason I'm so insistent on him going to the doctors is so that they can (hopefully) rule out any serious underlying causes. I want him to be healthy and happy! If that does happen then we can try viagra or herbal alternatives. Have been reading a lot that says improving your lifestyle can help too? He goes out quite a bit with friends to beer festivals/real ale pubs and being a physically big guy can put away a fair few pints over the course of the evening. Could alcohol be a cause?

OP posts:
ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 20/01/2017 14:58

Um yes.
< disclaimer: I'm not a doctor >

pudding21 · 20/01/2017 15:04

Yes, alcohol can be a cause, as can weight, smoking, stress, anxiety as well as other medical issues.
It could have happened once just by chance, and not its in his head, its hard for him to get that out of his head, then it keeps happening.

Original poster
TijuanaLady · 20/01/2017 15:17

Yeah pudding that is what I think is happening. It's such a shitty thing for men because once it happens once, the seed of worry is planted for next time and it ends up a self fulfilling prophecy kind of situation.

He doesn't drink at home and goes out twice a week max. We usually have wine with dinner when we're together as well. He doesn't smoke, is a little overweight (he was obese years before we met and lost 4-5 stone), he runs 3-4 times a week. Eats healthily. His job isn't hugely stressful but there are changes afloat in terms of organisation and that is causing him some stress. Could definitely be a factor.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 20/01/2017 16:05

He needs to take ownership here & arrange a visit to see a Dr.

Hope it sorts itself OP, his lack of doing anything about it, would frustrate a lot of people

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