Feel like I'm going mad

[Robosaurus]

Snapshot from this morning:

DH lying in bed, says he feels sad. I ask what's happened, as he was fine two minutes previously. He doesn't reply. A couple of minutes later he starts making sad noises, when pressed with much 'what's wrong?' says I was ignoring him. But he didn't reply to me?! Apparently I should have tried harder/ not just lain there after he didn't reply. He still maintains I was ignoring him. I'm so confused.

For some context I am pregnant with bad morning sickness, and have had a really nasty virus since the 27th. I've been useless and have needed a lot of tlc and him to do most things with DS. We are also in the middle of a very stressful renovation and house move, on which we've lost money, and things have gone a bit to shit at his work (new, awful boss).

He says he's depressed, but that it's circumstances and if he still feels like this in a month he'll go to the doctor. Apparently I can't say anything about this as I was depressed for ages and refused to see a doctor - the difference is I didn't believe I was depressed! As soon as I realised I went to the doctor and got medication and have been working hard to get better for the last year. I absolutely know if he is depressed he can't help it but surely waiting a month while we undergo all kinds of stress without him having any help is no good?! I'm barely hanging on - I'm still in tears from the ignoring thing and he thinks it's because I've recently reduced my antidepressant dose, but I was fine until he started acting like this. I don't know what to do. He keeps saying it's nothing to do with me and by getting upset about how he's acting I'm making it all about me, that I'm selfish and should be more supportive. I probably am but he doesn't seem to realise I'm bloody on my knees at the moment. I have an exam on Tuesday that I've done nothing for as I've been too ill. He just won't accept he's being unreasonable at all but maybe he isn't?! I don't know what to do.

And now he's calling me to give him a hug and he'll see it as trying to make up, but I'm being a bitch and refusing. But I don't want to start arguing again and I just feel so utterly confused and angry and hurt and let down by the way he's being at the moment, but I should't feel like that because he has depression. ARGH.

So I went, and as predicted it became an argument. I'm overreacting. I have never felt so utterly alone. I desperately want to talk to someone but have nobody I can. No close enough friends. My mum is very difficult and if I told her would at random conceive an undying hatred of DH or tell me it's obviously all my fault as I've always been difficult, depending on her mood. I am starting to think it must be me. I'm back on the sofa trying to hide the fact I'm crying from DS. The house is a tip because I've had no energy for a fortnight, DS and I are still in pjs and DH is in bed. I can't believe we're bringing another baby into this mess. If I go and ask him to get up so I can do some revision he'll think I don't care. If we talk we'll fight. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm at the end of my tether and now just launching a stream of consciousness into the fucking void of the Internet because I'm so sick of everything going round and round in my head.

Hi Robosauraus,

I'm sorry you are are feeling so low, take care of yourself and your unborn by keeping well. Your H sounds childish and selfish IMO . Depression does not mean you lose the ability to help others.
Have a mother just like yours so can relate to how you are feeling.
There is no point explaining to a man child your wants and needs, it's all about him, he gets it, he just rather not make the effort . Please put yourself and the needs of your children first , hopefully someone will post to hand hold ,keep posting and venting.

Can you postpone the exam? You don't sound well enough to revise or sit it now.

He's being childish, who's the most depressed? He wants attention and sympathy. I'd be inclined to be brisk and tell him it's crap that you both feel rubbish but lying in bed isn't an option for either of you now. If he continues to lie in bed making sad sounds and asking for hugs I might punch him go out and leave him to it. Wrap up and go for coffee and cake or simply shut the sitting room door and watch a movie with ds.

I can maybe postpone the exam. I'd need to get a doctor's letter on Monday though. I think I'm going to have to try.
Thank you both for replying. He's been a bit better the last few hours - I tried to explain that I wish I could be nicer/ say all the right things/ be endlessly patient but that I'm literally at the end of my rope, and he also has to make an effort to feel better and keep going regardless. If he won't see a doctor he could at least try going to bed at a reasonable time and eating better for a week or two. He's just so relentlessly negative. It's very unlike him and I selfishly can't believe he's collapsing like this when I desperately need him. But then I suppose he could say the same.

He sounds manipulative. It's all about him isn't it?

TBH it sounds like you're both on your knees and instead of pulling together, you're pulling apart.

I can kind of understand his attitude towards not going to the GP yet, because if the GP asks why he's stressed and he says "moving house", then that's a time-limited thing and you would expect his stress/depression to improve naturally after the move.

However if his new boss is there to stay and his work is likely to remain stressful, then he's wasting time by not making an appointment.

I think you're right, Ford. We aren't pulling together at all. In other news he went to load the dishwasher in a sudden burst of activity this afternoon and managed to impale his hand on a steak knife . Relations have improved slightly since I patched him up and didn't take the piss more than strictly necessary. He's going to have an awful scar though.