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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do ?

31 replies

Painandbeauty · 06/01/2017 23:53

I've been with my husband for 7 years
He's always had some what of a temper and always taken his stress out on me ... but I loved him and made excuses for him ( it's me , it's work ect )
I've tried so hard to do everything he wanted but nothing is ever good enough :(.
As times gone on it's got worse and worse the more I try the more hostile he seems to be .
On paper he's the perfect 'family' man but I but I feel so lost and alone my friends and family don't come over anymore
What scares me is we have young children and he's started to say horrible things to them about me. He's started to verbally abuse and ridicule me in front of them ... often
He's never been physically violent to us.
Apart from shoving and spitting at me :(
But I'm at a loss ... is this what it's like ? Is this how it's ment to be ? I'm worried to the effects it's having and going to have on the children
But is it worth leaving the relationship and breaking a family over this or should I just accept this ?

OP posts:
GinAndSonic · 06/01/2017 23:55

Fuck him off. My ex was similar and my kids started copying him and calling me "bitch" which is when I saw the light and immediately picked up the kids and left. No, it shouldn't be like this and you are worth more than this inadequate piece of shit of a man.

ScarletForYa · 06/01/2017 23:59

Shoving and sitting at you? Verbally abusing you in front of the children?

OP, you have to get away from him now.

You can't allow your children to be exposed to this vile man for one more second.

ScarletForYa · 06/01/2017 23:59

Spitting*

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 07/01/2017 00:03

Spitting and shoving is physical violence.

I think your best option would be to contact WA and they will help you realise that you are in an abusive relationship and help you gain the strength to leave.

I know it's easy for people on here to say leave when you don't feel things are that bad. Eventually you will look back and see how bad it is, it's harder to see how awful things are when you're right in the middle of it.

Good luck op Flowers

antimatter · 07/01/2017 00:07

"shoving and spitting" is a violent behaviour!

Wake up and see him for who he is - an abuser, and make plans to leave him!!!!

SadTrombone · 07/01/2017 00:19

He's physically violent. He's emotionally abusive.

If I were you I'd be making plans to leave asap

Ilovecaindingle · 07/01/2017 00:21

Get rid of the dick head and get your family back. No brainer.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 00:23

But is it worth leaving the relationship and breaking a family over this or should I just accept this ?

100% yes.

Why would you tolerate it. It will get worse and the children will join him in the abuse.

Ouriana · 07/01/2017 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 · 07/01/2017 00:34

shoving and spitting Shock OMFG Just for that LTB.I'm speechless.
This is not how any relationship is meant to be.
Protect your kids.

RedastheRose · 07/01/2017 00:41

This is NOT normal behaviour. It sounds like he is emotionally abusive and also now becoming physically threatening towards you (spitting is a disgusting thing to do). Try and confide in a close friend or family member you trust to see if they can offer you the support and help you would need if you decided to leave him or if you asked him to leave the family home. You can also give the local police a ring and ask to speak to someone and have a chat so that they are aware of the background behaviour and can make a record of it just in case everything kicks off at some point in the future.

Also it will do more harm to your children seeing their father treating you like his whipping boy than growing up in a happy single parent home.

A good test for this is to ask yourself would you be happy if your son treated his girlfriend/partner like you are being treated, or if your daughter had a partner who treated her like this? What would you tell them to do? Would you be proud of your son or ashamed? Would you say to your daughter to stay just because of her children?

Please have a talk with citizens advice or go and see a solicitor to find out what your options are and how you stand financially.

Also at the moment the abuse is directed towards you, your children are small and will be unquestioningly loveable towards their father. This doesn't last, when they get bigger and have their own personalities or hit the dreaded teenage years how will he react to them then when they mouth off or answer back? Will they then get treated badly because they are no longer making him feel special?

MrsBertBibby · 07/01/2017 00:45

He spits at you? Disgusting. Just unspeakably vile.

anxiousnow · 07/01/2017 00:50

OP it isn't you splitting up the family, it is him. Please do not take on guilt for his abusive behaviour. It is not ok. Leave for you and your children's sake or chuck him out.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2017 04:02

You are being abused. Leave. Now.

Original poster
Painandbeauty · 07/01/2017 05:48

Thank you for your advice
We're married ,we own the house together - I don't even know how to start
I tried to get advice from CA before but I was advised not to prevoke him or leave the house as I could loose access as I left the premises ?
No one seemed to bothered as it was just verbal and not physical
Also he's said I'd never get the kids he'd do anything it takes before that happened

Tonight has been the final straw I accidently left my car door unlocked
He came in from work flipped out for 40 minutes cursing me , Spat in my face and threw the dinner I made in the bin. 😖 I'm so ashamed this is happening

I wish I could do something to make it better but nothing is ever good enough

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 07/01/2017 06:03

Do you have access to money and your own bank account? This is the place to start. Do you work?

Then start to make copies of all financial docs. Bank statements, mortgage, pension, investments etc. Scan (use scannable app) and keep copies on Evernote (another app) or something similar. Change all passwords that he has access too.

Find a safe place/friend to keep passports and docs with.

Ask divorced friends for a good lawyer. You could try women's aid also for recommendations. See several until you find a good fit. Someone that will fight your corner.

Find yourself some good counseling to work on your issues and why you've allows yourself to be treated badly. Look up the freedom program. Do it either online or in real life.

Work out what you'd like after the split. Is 50/50 desirable or workable in your/his circumstances? Or something else like every other weekend and one week night plus half the holidays.

If you stayed in the house could you afford the mortgage payments? Could either of you afford to buy out the other? If it was sold what would the equity work out as?

Do not under any circumstances tell him what you are doing. When you are ready serve divorce papers.

Costacoffeeplease · 07/01/2017 07:13

Speak to women's aid and be honest about the shoving and spitting - I'd be calling the police too but I understand that may sound too much for you at the moment

You say that nothing you do is good enough - so that means there's no point trying, just focus on how you can get free of this vile bastard

hesterton · 07/01/2017 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 07/01/2017 07:23

Shoving and spitting is physical abuse. Spitting in someone's face is truly vile, this man doesn't love you, not in a way that you deserve. You need to protect yourself and protect your children. If you stay, this will become their normality and seriously increases their chance of either being a victim themselves as an adult because it's 'normal' to them (trust me, I know) or of being a perpetrator, again because it's 'normal'. I know that isn't what you want for your babies. He is already affecting them and the very best thing in the world that you could do for them is show them that it is not to be tolerated.
Call women's aid and seriously think about calling the police.

Tatiannatomasina · 07/01/2017 08:40

Please Please Please ring the police. Spitting in your face is assault. Get this man arrested and out of your home asap. Ask to speak to the domestic violence unit and tell them under no circumstances is this man to be bailed back to your address. Make a full statement regarding all historic incidents and assaults no matter how minor you think they are. Go see a solicitor on Monday morning and start divorce proceedings. Please please take charge of your situation and keep all of you safe.

angeyoung69 · 07/01/2017 08:45

Please get him out of the house if you can (or leave) and keep your children with you asap. I know someone who was in a similar situation. Emotional and verbal abuse and it made her so ill. She left and has turned her life around. However, her son went back to her partner and she is now struggling to get access to him (even with courts involved) due to his controlling nature so proceed with caution with regards to allowing him to have the children on his own. Good luck. You will be better off without him in the long run and there is support out there for you xx

RedastheRose · 07/01/2017 13:31

Speak to the police. Ask to talk to someone on their domestic violence team they will have come across this behaviour many many times before so you are not alone. They can advise you what to do about protecting yourself and your children from his abuse and it is abuse and a criminal offence.

Go and speak to a good solicitor who specialises in divorce in particular let her/him know about the abuse and threats. Again you will not be the first person to tell them about a husband acting like this they will be able to advise you what you can do about getting him out of the house and away from the children.

I would endorse everything wallywobbles said about getting papers bank statements etc and making copies.

Your husband is a vile bully whose behaviour is escalating. Do something now before it gets worse.

Also, please don't minimise his behaviour or make excuses for him, he sounds like he may have narcissistic tendencies and if so you will realise that you have been making excuses for his bad behaviour for years. Read up about people with narcissistic personality disorder and see if any of it seems familiar.

Original poster
Painandbeauty · 07/01/2017 18:54

I literally feel so trapped
I have no friends or family around me
I can't support myself and the children alone
He looks after the kids when I'm at work
I'm scared of going go anywhere for help because I feel terrible it could effect the kids and his career
He has no where else to go and neither do I
I really think he believes he has done nothing wrong and everything that happens is because of me :(.

I will contact someone anonymously for advice , I can't get it out of my head that it is my fault I'm not trying hard enough

OP posts:
FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 07/01/2017 19:00

Please contact women's aid op.

You can email them for a while until you feel stronger if you wish, possibly an outreach worker could meet you for a coffee every couple of weeks or so.

You can't see how bad things are right now, all you can see is that change will be scary.

I promise you that things can get better and you aren't reliant on him, he has just made you think you are.

Bant · 07/01/2017 19:28

beauty

There are wiser people than me who are already giving you good advice. Action lists and things to do.

But I'd just say - forget his career. And there is no way he'd be able to stop you from seeing the children legally. There is a strong chance that he wouldn't be able to see them, legally, if there is systemic abuse. Or at least only in circumstances where others are present.

He spits and shouts in front of the children?

How does he look after the kids when you're at work - do you work shifts?

He is abusing you. This is his choice, and his responsibility. If you leave, and he is shamed at work by it, it is because of his actions.
You would be doing the right thing, to protect yourself and your children.

Follow the advice of others, but don't feel guilty, he's done this to himself.

The man is vile. Good luck