Friendship with another woman

[otteri]

How would you feel if your dp had a very close friend who he spoke to for 30 mins - hour daily? It is completely platonic.

So as not to drip feed, they are also an ex gf of his.

Aaahhh. I see.

Well I guess it's early days for them then. Maybe he'll realise it's not a great thing to continue of/once they get serious if it lasts.

I wonder if he'd be okay if she had an Ex she spoke to for 30 minutes every day.

Out of interest, how would you feel if you had a BF who spoke to his Ex every day?

I wouldn't be happy if my boyfriend spoke to an ex for that long every day hence why I'm thinking I should step back

Also just to add it's been nearly 3 years since we were together so it's a long time and it's not like either of us are harbouring any secret feelings we split up because we are just better as friends.

I don't think you will be the one to pull back TBH. His relationship is pretty newish, so I'm sure if/when it progresses he will probably choose himself to step back, as he will want to invest more time in his relationship with GF. I don't think it will be down to you in the end whether he continues to chat to you daily. It will be a decision he will make himself, so as long as you prepare yourself for that, then all will turn out okay.

Honestly, my first thought is you are an ex gf not a friend.

I do know thought that not everybody is as black and white as me about boundaries in relationships. However there is absolutely zero chance I would want to be with someone who spoke to his ex for 30 mins a day every day. I would think his primary relationship was with you and wouldn't want to touch him with someone else's barge pole... if he was honest that is...

Doubt he is being honest with his new gf though... can't see many people putting up with this. A platonic friendship yes but not and ex...

I don't think it's up to you to pull back. It's up to him and his girlfriend to decide what is and isn't appropriate in their relationship, not you.

I'd rather not cause any problems for them though. I wouldn't want to be in her situation and put in the position if saying please don't talk to her so much.

TBH OP, if it concerns you as much as you say it does, then why continue to do it at all? If it was me, and I felt the way you do, I would just decrease gradually the amount of time spent speaking on the phone with him. You have the power to do that by just not always making yourself available when he calls every day. Not saying you should cease talking to him totally, as you're friends, but I can't help thinking you sound a bit smug that this is going on, when clearly you know it could cause problems between him and his new gf.

However there is absolutely zero chance I would want to be with someone who spoke to his ex for 30 mins a day every day. I would think his primary relationship was with you and wouldn't want to touch him with someone else's barge pole... if he was honest that is.

^^Totally agree

I'd think there was unfinished business. In fact I was not happy my DH was in contact with his Ex and had been through 15 years of us being married.

It was not half an hour a day. Just a few times a year, but I told him if it didn't stop I'd reconnect with all my Exes (and I have more than him). He didn't like that idea.

He realised I meant business and cut contact, but he didn't want to initially

Who makes the daily calls? You or him?

Re your post at 1928

The way you speak about ""our" friends sounds a bit coupley. In the new girlfriend's position I would think the main relationship was betweeen you and him and I was the outsider. I would probably leave you both to it. You say its purely platonic. Are you certain he feels the same. Id probably be having reservations about a man if I hadnt mmet any of his friends afew months in. Not sure if this is the case

i'd be ok about it.
i have good relationships with a few ex's, one of which like you we were just better off friends. initially we talked a lot. it's naturally tapered off in time. but we are still close. talk once a month or so (nearly 10 years on, i have kids etc)
when i met my oh my ex was still crashing on my couch, we were still out drinking together, i lived with his brother (and best friend) in house share and about a year after splitting he got a job in my office where i had to train him and we had to work together daily.
my oh went on a weekend away, as part of a reunion with 10 or so friends, including his ex when we had been going out for about 6 months. ex for a reason, imo.
i've lost a fair few male friends to the new girlfriend, and it's quite upsetting to think that our friendship is judged as inappropriate because i have a vagina and they don't.
i genuinely find it odd that my oh actively hates all his exs, like he must have really liked them as people at some point, they tried being together, it didn't work out, they were young, that's how it goes...

I think that's a lot of emotional sharing and chatting to be doing every single day with someone you used to be in a sexual relationship with.
It sounds too intense to me, a little personal chat you both look forward to each day.
I don't think you have to hate your exes but a ritual of a 30 minute daily chat sounds odd to me.

I had a friend like this. He got a girlfriend and pulled back. I was hurt at the time and I still miss him sometimes but objectively, it wasn't tenable I guess for him to be so emotionally attached to me. The distance also made me realise he was probably harbouring feelings for me (not reciprocated) so best all round really.

You're right it is untenable. Neither one of us is initiating the calls more than the other. It's more just when we are commuting we will call. I will just play it by ear and not initiate much and let them dictate it.

It's only our friends because we went to school together so there is a group of friends from school who we regularly meet up with. It's not as weird as it sounds. This group of friends didn't meet the partner of one of our friends for three years once! Unless it's really serious people don't tend to introduce their SO.

Name change? ???

I'd be wary if I was the new gf as I've been in her position. For me it ended badly as they slept together after a drunken night while I was away. So now DH had to choose when we got together. I couldn't go through that again.

I think you're over thinking it and uour status as ex girlfriend seems very important to you. Are you sure you're not interested in him, or you don't want him to be interested in you? Are you jealous of the new girlfriend maybe? I know you imdcate otherwise.

I'm sorry something not quite right in how over invested in this you are and her feelings on you.

My DH once had a friend (male) that he spoke to every day in the same way as you and your ex do, it did impact on our relationship as he was talked out by the time we got to spend time together and I would get grunts and 'I already told you' when he hadn't, he had told it to his friend instead.
I did eventually spell it out that I wasn't his WIFE (washing, ironing, fucking etc) and that I fully expected to get the best of him rather than the conversational scrapings off someone else's plate. He did pare it back with his friend and things are much better.