EA?

[Laurajp35]

Hi all I would appreciate your views on DH's behaviour. He is an excellent father and most of the time a good husband. He has recently spent the last two years putting all his time after work into developing a house for us which we have just moved into and is beautiful. On the whole we are happy. We have been together for 15 years, married and with DD aged 3. Before Christmas we had an argument over the amount of money we spent in M&S (ridiculous I know) because I was upset he spent so much when I tried to go in for a couple of treats only as we are watching what we spend, having spent so much on the house. On the way home in the car with DD, he violently kicked the back of my seat and swore at me very angrily with DD there. I was upset but just about held it together but could see that DD was frightened. He didn't speak to me for a day or so, refused to come to a family party that afternoon although I had to go
and take DD and put a brace face on. Tonight we've had another argument because having told me he'd be back at a decent time at lunchtime he then rang after 5 and said he wouldn't. Because I didn't sweetly say that was ok, we had a blazing row about the amount of work he always does, he's not late because he's in the pub and why do I always do it. I usually do or say one wrong thing and he feels the need to punish me by making an argument go on and on in a nasty way. I challenged him about the incident in the car with DD and he won't have it, his reaction to my behaviour is all my fault. Grateful for your opinions.

It sounds like it could be EA but really would need more examples, if you feel you can give them. The kicking of the back of your chair was bad but was it isolated? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells with him around?

Sometimes I do. They are isolated incidents but whenever we have an argument he makes it my fault. I haven't shared this because when my family finds out we've argued they assume it's my fault

Can you explain again about the M&S issue. It wasn't very clear. You had an argument about how much HE spent in M&S but then YOU went in to M&S to buy treats and HE got cross ? Confused can you explain. ? Do you have an income or are the finances all on him ?

We went in together intending to spend a little on a few treats but he massively overspent which upset me. I told him this and we had a big row. I do have an income but I have been trying hard to save recently although we're not on the same page about finances which is an issue. On hindsight I should not have taken him and DD to m and s, :should have gone alone. It was his reaction which was disproportionate I thought and he wouldn't have it.

Meh sounds like standard marital tiff. Why does it have to be EA. confused by need for every relationship on MH
to be categorised as 'abusive' in some way just when it's been a row. We almost all have them with our spouses - just part of life.

The not talking is known in our house as 'having the arse' He'll get over it. Do you never sulk after a fight ?

Thank you that's helpful.i haven't felt able to talk to anyone to get anyone else's perspective.

Standard marital tiff?
Violently kicking the back of the ops chair and swearing in front of their daughter and frightening her isn't standard. Maybe in your marriage but certainly not mine!
That is abusive.

That's not a standard tiff. I've been married 40 years with ups and downs and we've never come close to that level of aggression. Moreover any standard tiffs are sorted out amicably for both by bedtime.

He's very angry isn't he? What else is going on in his life to make him so difficult and impossible to talk to I wonder. Are there money worries maybe? Maybe you 'hit a nerve', mentioning the Marks and Spencers spending.
What about his job, are there tensions there perhaps? Its just that he appears to be projecting a whole bag full of anger and upset onto you for some reason.
I'd try letting things calm down for a few days. I'd try being kind and understanding then pick your moment to have a heart to heart without any blaming or point scoring or negativity.
Maybe, he needs to understand that when you find fault with him, its the event not the person you're finding fault with. I have to be careful on that point with my own DH who immediately interprets any criticism as me not loving him.
They go into fight or flight mode then enter their 'cave' for a little while expecting you to have forgiven and forgotten once they emerge.
He sounds like a good man. He sounds as if he's under some serious stress. I find a little kindness, understanding and humour goes a long way when we go through one of these 'events'.

It's abusive. Marilyn is talking shite.

How dare he kick your seat? There's no way my DP would treat me like that. Exh would have, because he's a cunt.

His actions are all about power and control and he wants absolute.

Are you certain you want to do your bit here to model this as a relationship to your child?. Its no legacy to leave her.

He is neither an excellent father nor a good husband. Women in poor relationships often write such self denial to kid themselves more as they cannot think of anything positive themselves to write about their man.

You have written nothing at all positive about him, what does that tell you.

He has never apologised nor has taken any responsibility for his actions; that in itself is very telling. He blames everyone else, namely you, but you for his actions.

Thank you all. You are right Atilla, it is no example to set DD. That is why I tried to challenge him about it but he wasn't having it. If I could have removed us both from the situation at the time I would have but I was driving.
Unfortunately pallasathena he is not a person who is easy to talk to but I will try. Money has been a huge issue for us over the last two years as in we've not had any, massively over stretched ourselves on the house but had no choice but to finish it. Incredibly stressful. We've never been on the same page about it either, he likes the finer things in life, works hard and feels he deserves them. I'll budget and not have anything just to get through. We have done it now however. I worry that he has these traits from his father, who is distant from his own kids and grandkids and I understand showed no affection to his wife, possibly due to his upbringing.

He sounds awful. You shouldn't have to be with someone who scares you like that. If he isn't willing to accept that and make real steps towards trying to change then it seems like its over?

It is absolutely impossible to say that your DH is some kind of nasty violent abuser from the OP. I know that so many on here have had that experience and therefore will automatically project their life experience on to other people's situation.
The OP starts off by saying that her DH is a great guy who she has been with for 15 years. Works hard and over the last two years has spent all his spare time developing a house for himself, wife and 3yr old daughter, which they have just moved in to. This house move has caused a host of financial difficulties: there is nothing in this part of the story that sounds abusive. Far from it. Sounds like he is putting family first.

So the issue happens when you go to M&S before xmas. You wanted to pop in for a few bits. DH went too and spent (in your view) too much. You had a row about it . (In the shop ?) This results in the 'incident' . He gets in the car . You drive. He sits in the back ? (Why ? Who was in the passenger seat) He 'violently kicks your chair' What did this entail ? Multiple hard kicks causing you pain and the need to pull over whilst he unleashed a tirade of abuse at you. ?

If so then I apologise and everyone is right. You need to LTB asap.

Or an 'oi' kick to your chair to get your attention, and a 'what the fuck were you doing embarrassing me like that in the shop ? Type swear.

It is absolutely impossible to label your DH 'abusive' based on one incident.
Is this the one and only time he has ever sworn at you In 15 yrs ? I am sorry MN but my DH and I swear at each other regularly during a row. He is a sulker. I ignore it and he gets over it. We've been married many years and are extremely happy. But we don't live in fairyland.

To me it sounds like you have hugely varying polices regarding money. This is where the problem lies. Money problems are a marriage killer . This is the area that needs attention. Does he earn it all or are you able to contribute as well ? Does he try the 'it's my money I'll spend it how I want' attitude, because perhaps you are a SAHM and he resents you (in his eyes) dictating how and when money is spent. Is there some way you can reach a compromise on this issue.

Coming from a completely different angle. We renovated a property in 2013/14 and it massively overstretched our finances and very very nearly broke us. I was the budget controller, he worked away and when he came home felt like he did nothing but DIY.

It took a big event to shake us up and we got back on track but not before there were a lot of tears and talk of separation.

It sounds like you are all stressed and money is a problem. It's probably weighing heavily on him even if he doesn't say it. You need to talk honestly.

Hope it works out for you. We are in a much much better place (even though we still have a shit load of build debt!)

Marylin I don't know what you find acceptable in your marriage but in mine we don't violently kick each other's chairs in anger or hurl abuse at eachother in front of our children. The op states that she had to keep herself together as she was driving and her daughter was in the car!
No matter what way you want to spin it, that shit it abusive..it is exactly what it is. The op also states that her husband punishes her and doesn't apologise! you don't punish your spouse! Seriously what planet are you on.
I don't think anything the op could have done would warrant that kind of behaviour from her husband. There's no excuse.

Were you driving when he booted your seat? If so he's a moron, and to do it with your DD in the car in unbelievably selfish and dangerous. Doesn't sound like a nice guy and definitely sounds EA from your posts.

Yes I was driving, can't remember if I was stopped at lights or just about to stop. He was sitting directly behind me in the back with DD.

And on an income basis I work part time but bring in good money. Admittedly I keep a tight reign on our joint income because I've had to.

The planet I am on Atheniansowl is one where we have 7 children 1 dgc and 2 full time jobs. Life sometimes gets stressful with all this going on and sometimes we shout at each other and yes (clutches pearls) sometimes we swear. Sometimes DH stomps off in a sulk and doesn't speak to me. Sometimes I do. None of this means that I am going to be running off to a solicitor and filing for divorce anytime soon.
I cannot imagine the stress of working full time and building your own home 'in your spare time'. This OP makes it clear from the first paragraph that her DH has been a pretty good partner for 15 yrs. He lost his temper over xmas in the shop related incident and they then had a row about what time he said he would be home.
If you would upset your family over 2 arguments in the last month at a time of great stress , by divorce and separation then crack on ! Good for you. Personally I would try and seek someone who can advise/counsel us on the differing opinions we have with regard to finances - this being the cause of the arguments.
Far too easy to shout 'abuse' 'ltb' over one incident and a row in 15 yrs, unless OP hasn't given is an accurate account and this is a continuing pattern of behaviour since they got together.

Firstly I didn't say 'Ltb'. Iv not said that at all
I don't care how many children you have, how stressed you are or whatever ..you simply don't boot the seat of the driver of the car your child is in because you're throwing strop!
That is utterly childish, irresponsible and downright abusive behaviour.

Thank you all for your comments, which I really appreciate you taking the time to make. It helps to be able to have other perspectives on the situation and you are right that we do need to iron out some issues, particularly money. I know what he did was wrong and very upsetting but i do feel further discussion would be helpful

I usually do or say one wrong thing and he feels the need to punish me by making an argument go on and on in a nasty way. I challenged him about the incident in the car with DD and he won't have it, his reaction to my behaviour is all my fault... They are isolated incidents but whenever we have an argument he makes it my fault.

This is the bit that makes it sound as if this is part of a pattern. Kicking the back of your seat violently and swearing at you, in such a way that you had to "hold it together" and that made your daughter afraid is clearly threatening behaviour, and telling you that his behaviour was your fault is not acceptable. It must be frustrating and upsetting if every argument you have is framed as being your fault.

I agree. It is frustrating and upsetting particularly when it involved DD and makes me feel like a bad mother. Also when he tells my mother we've argued and she tells me to be nice to him! Clearly she doesn't know what went on. I'm not saying I'm a saint, I'm clearly not and the argument would only continue if both of us continue it. I'm not a wallflower either and will tell it how it is. This however only ups the ante and makes him continue on his rant.