Long time lurker, first time poster...
My parents' relationship has never been an amazing one but after spending this Christmas with them, I'm feeling sad and worried about them both. They seem to hate each other, have little patience with anything the other says, lots of sniping, swearing, short fuses. Both seem very unhappy, but unwilling to do anything to change the situation or communicate with each other about their issues/relationship.
Background: they are in their 60s, been together 30 + years, both successful careers, raised (mostly) happy, independent children, live in a lovely house. DM still working part time, DF retired for a couple of years now. Comfortably off/financially secure.
Since retirement, DF has made the most of his time - volunteering, went back to academic study, took up hobbies again etc. He is not perfect and has always found it hard to talk about emotions etc but is a caring, thoughtful person who has supported the whole family beyond measure in different ways.
DM is still working, very flexibly and very part time and not because she needs to but mostly because she doesn't know what else to do/doesn't want to do anything else. The area they live in has so many different activities/opportunities but she says she can't do any of them because of self-esteem, lack of confidence (has always been an issue, but has got worse in recent years). She seems to be becoming more anxious about everything (including postponing long-talked about holidays because she has become anxious about travelling) and her world seems to be becoming smaller and more anxiety-ridden (about politics, other people, state of world etc). She is a kind, thoughtful, generous and loving person, and gives so much support to my siblings and I in many ways, and looks after an elderly neighbour and her parents very thoughtfully and with a lot of commitment. She is very bright but I think her confidence has held her back in many ways - it feels like she takes this frustration out on other people/things. She thinks moving house will make things better. The other thing she thinks would help is me and my siblings having kids (none yet) > all her solutions involve other people doing things, not her making any effort to change/start to do things.
This results in her being extremely negative about everything that my DF does - she undermines, criticises, belittles him, which has resulted in him dropping some of his activities. To a certain extent she has always been like this and my dad has put up with it quietly, but has now got to the point where he (understandably) can't take it anymore and has started responding to it, either through dropping his interests, or by being short with her back, resulting in a horrible, tense atmosphere.
Both DM and DF have had to deal with very stressful care issues relating to their own parents in the last few years, and I think this has added to the general feeling of anxiety/stress/sadness and perhaps feelings of mortality.
DF has talked to me and my siblings about how he can't take it any more, discussed leaving, and DM has apparently threatened to leave too. They do not communicate at all about how they would like things to be/how to move forward in the future, what they each want, or at least can't without things becoming horribly accusatory/guilt-ridden and emotional. Each has suggested that somehow me and my siblings should try to pass information on these issues on to the other (infuriating! Just talk to each other!!). Siblings and I have talked to both separately, gently asking if everything is ok, that we are worried about them, that they seem very unhappy, if they want to talk about anything, what they would like to do, whether they've thought about counselling, going to the GP (think DM could do with some medication, - I am currently taking anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication, and feel it would benefit her so much). All (gentle) suggestions are met with despondency - nothing would work, neither would consider counselling, there's nothing they can do, they just have to carry on as they are, everything will be ok, etc, don't worry about us, we're fine! But things are definitely not ok, and nothing will change unless they start talking, even if that does lead to them splitting.
I understand that really, there is not much I can do apart from listen and try to support them but I would like to help them move forward somehow! It is heart-breaking to see them both so unhappy and negative when they are at a point in their life that theoretically should be a bit more happy and relaxed (no financial worries, kids doing ok, etc.). Does anyone have any suggestions? I do admit that I do tend to feel other's unhappiness quite strongly, so I may be being oversensitive to all of this somehow. Honest responses telling me to keep my nose out of their relationship also welcome!
Sorry so long, thanks for reading.
TLDR: DM and DF both basically decent people but very unhappy together, what can I do to help?!