My wife had an affair

[EmotionalDad]

Hello everyone,
Let me start at the beginning......
In the last 2-3 years my wife and I had started to lose contact with each other....we'd be ok with each other but took each other for granted, not a lot of love between us and any problems we had we'd just bottle up, maybe tell our friends but stupidly not tell/talk to each other.....
I run my own business and my wife is a stay at home mum - we have two beautiful girls one of 12 and one of 8
In June of last year - I went away with the 'boys' for 10 days and she was at home with the kids - whilst I was away a family friend (married guy with two young boys) contacted her - he knew I was away....and slowly over the next few months the texts became more and more and (her words) whilst she was at a particularly low point in her life the texts got saucier and sexting began between them.
We went on a family holiday in July/August and she was whatsapping him pictures of herself whilst away....
I'm still oblivious to all of this.....sex started between them and they would go off to local hotels.....
I started to get suspicious in November.....and actually said to her that the way she uses her phone it's as if she was having an affair !
Anyhow - I had an opportunity to see her phone at the end of November and saw all these messages - I died that night.
I won't bore you with the sorry details of the next couple of days - only to say that here we are six weeks later - my wife and I have reconnected.
She is desperately sorry and ashamed for what she did - but we are now in a much better place.....
My question to anyone that's been in this position.....How long will it be until all of my pain has gone - I can't sleep, she found me on the bathroom floor earlier in a ball of snot and tears, I just keep seeing them together and can't get past the pain it's all causing.
Anyone have any input as to how long this lasts....
Do you have any pointers as to how I can move on - and please don't tell me to leave her.....it's taken all of this pain for us both to realise that we mean the world to each other.
Thanks
X

Ten, read my post. I specifically said it did NOT give her the right to cheat?!
And yes, time to do your own thing is important. I myself am going away with friends next month, 2 nights. But TEN days?! That's not normal in any marriage or LTR that I know of. It's pretty immature for a married man with children to go on a ten day lads holiday....

Whatabloodyidiot1 Some people don't think monogamy is normal, some people only want open relationships, some people have 17 girlfriends and 2 boyfriends. Point being she may have been OK with him going away if not encouraging of it so she could cheat. It could have been a stag do for all you know. My point is blaming that on the reason his wife is unhappy is a little unfair and your post a bit brutal and harsh. :(

My point is blaming that on the reason his wife is unhappy is a little unfair and your post a bit brutal and harsh.

^^^ This

By the op's own admission the marriage had been deteriorating for 2-3 years prior to his wife having the affair. So no, the holiday is not the thing that made his wife unhappy, you're right, they were both unhappy for 2-3 years before that. I suspect the little boys holiday away was, for her, the straw that broke the camels back.
If my marriage was going down the pan and I was very aware of that fact, as the OP was, I sure as shit wouldn't be fucking off on a ten day lads holiday. It's not the behaviour of an attentive loving husband.

Whatbloodyidiot you are making an awful lot of assumptions and blaming the op for being cheated on. Wind your neck in, you're really not helping or providing the support he came here for.

"Little boy's holiday"

What a horrible thing to say.

It is a mean thing to belittle someone after they have posted about their partner's affair.

Why don't you take your anger out in a more appropriate post, rather than in a post by someone who is feeling vulnerable? You know, the one that mentions sobbing etc? Horrible.

Never before has a username been more apt than the name of the user Goady fucker called whatabloodyidiot1

Like I said, I never expected it to be a popular opinion, and maybe the op is entirely blame free and I've got it completely wrong. Maybe.
As he hasn't returned we don't know, but it sounds like this marriage was dying a death LONG before his wife had the affair.

Both will have contributed. She hasn't been loving and attentive either! What if she's gone off on a girls week away a month before? They should have communicated. A boys holiday has NOTHING to do with the issue. AT ALL. She hasn't been loving or attentive either so stop shaming him. It sounds like you believe he deserves what happened for going on a 10 day break.
OP is now looking for advice on how to move on not criticism on what has been (in your opinion) the cause.

OP, you have been on my mind all day, I hate to think of the pain you are feeling. There were a couple of other things that crossed my mind.

Hysterical bonding, as another poster mentioned, in one way it's good because it confirms you are still attracted to one another, but be careful, it can be confusing and lead either or both of you to feel that things are on the mend prematurely.

Don't rush into making a decision, you can say you are undecided, you can change your mind if it gets too much.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Pick carefully, someone who will listen without prejudice or judgement. I suggested my partner went to talk to his mother, she was a nurse and always seemed reasonable. Big mistake, she couldn't accept her golden boy had done wrong and basically accused me of emotional abusing him by demanding the truth and told me I was lucky he decided to stay with me! This has affected the whole dynamic of the extended family and caused even more stress.

Hello everyone,
Thank you all for taking the time to respond....ALL of your comments are very welcome.....even the ones about me having a 10 day boys Holliday!!
Time is a great healer....and no, I know I will never forget!! I have told her that I forgive her....that's part of my healing process.
My wife is not an overtly emotional girl.....but today I came home early, and I could see how upset she was/is with this whole 'affair'.
We are talking.....lots!! Which is brilliant......
Sadly it has taken all of this hurt and pain to bring us back together again....early days - yes....but I know in my heart of hearts we will be stronger than ever!
Again - I thank you all
X