Hi, I'm 24 and became a parent at 17. I was very young and I took everything head on, tried my best and have honestly been a very good mom. I married the day I turned 18 with my daughter's non-biological dad. I used to also be a great wife. I say "used to" because as the years have passed, in the last 1.5 years I noticed myself wanting to run away. I want nothing to do with my family, immediate and non immediate, and even with friends. I want no close relationships and its hard having responsibility on my shoulders.
I'm a manic depressive / bipolar so I change my mind a lot. However, Its been over a year and nothing has changed. I'm as distant as ever, I've no desire to be a mom, wife, sister, friend, etc. All I do is bury myself in work so I don't have to be home. My husband is a great dad and husband and has been very supportive about everything. My daughter could not possibly have a better dad, and I couldn't have asked for a better husband. He is very hard working, smart, giving, selfless, kind, and handsome!! He is the whole package, I'm the envy of all my girlfriends.
About 10 months ago I started hanging out with a former coworker and we instantly hit it off to a relationship, or as I like to call it "situationship". I fell in love in an instant. At first I thought this person was going to be just a short adventure, that he'd get bored of me or we would become distant over time. This guy is a free spirit, the kind that has rarely fallen into relationships in his life. I thought the casual sex, and the friendship were just a good set up because he gets the affection, minus the commitment. To my surprise, he fell in love as well. We have a hard time being apart.
My husband found out and it has absolutely destroyed him. I broke his trust in the past so this is a sensitive subject. But knowing I love this guy and I'd leave everything for him is just another level of hurt for him. My daughter and I are also very distant and I've no plans on making it better. Her and her dad have a better relationship and thats just the way it is. I'm not a mom who is very emotionally available.
I'm scared that if I run away my husband won't stay with my daughter, I'm scared that my daughter will hate me, I'm scared that things will fail once I'm away. Everything is scary. I know I'm being selfish, I know its all my fault. But I'm a depressed mom, a bad wife and a person who easily falls into drugs. I don't want my daughter around someone like me and I've no desire to get better.
My lover is also a depressed alcoholic. He never asks me to leave my family, but he has told me he will be there if I do. It's all very confusing. I don't want to stop talking to my lover, or kick him out of my life. He has given me a kind of understanding that I never got from anyone before. Its almost like I've led two lives this past year, the family life and the single life in which I have someone that loves me.
Have any of you ever been in a similar situation?