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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I end my long term relationship

22 replies

pleasehlpemethanks · 05/01/2017 19:58

Hi there, I'm not a mum but for some reason I think posting here might help me. Pleas be nice rather than cynical.

I'm 33, my girlfriend is 29. We've been dating for 18 months so we're at a potentially pivotal time of our lives. She moved into my flat 4 months ago. All my friends are settling down and having babies. I feel like I'd love to do that too, but can't but feel like I'm with the wrong person.

My main beef is her cynicism. With some of her friends, she can just sit down and bitch about the world and her experiences of it for hours and hours. Everything's crap; everyone is rubbish.

I feel like whilst my glass is pretty much full, hers couldn't be more empty if it had spent a lifetime in the Sahara.

She can't help it. I know that. We've nearly split up over her negativity twice before. To be brutally honest I think it's connected to her losing her dad in her teens, which is really sad. Anyway, it's pretty clear that she's not going to change, however much I'd like her to.

My second beef is about ambition. I work long hours to get ahead and I'm successful at work (sorry if this sounds arrogant). She does 9-5, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with, and moans at me for working long hours. I don't consider that unreasonable, at all: she wants to spend time with me! But when I'm making major sacrifices and she's out with her mates, I feel like there's an imbalance, and some resentment. She wants me to work less. I love work and want to work more.

Third beef is babies. I'm desperate to have as many babies as possible. She's lukewarm at best.

I'm paranoid that I'll never settle down until I learn to accept that noone's perfect, and that dealing with my partners negativity is just the kind of thing that normal people do to have families.

But it's killing me. I'm a bright, happy person who sees the best in everyone. I love that about me, and its slowly being eroded.

I don't want to end up negative like her.

If anyone has had any similar experiences I'd be grateful for some advice.

OP posts:

WriterNeedsHelp2017 · 05/01/2017 20:02

I think you're completely mismatched. You know what you want and it's not someone resembling her! It's time to move on and try to find someone who you can be happy with.

PushingThru · 05/01/2017 20:02

How are you going to look after all these babies if you want to work more & more? This relationship sounds dead in the water. End it & move on.

Trills · 05/01/2017 20:05

Desperate to have as many babies as possible?

Break up and then get some realism before you start dating someone else.

Liara · 05/01/2017 20:07

You want to work all hours but have as many babies as possible? No wonder she's lukewarm.

Blackbird82 · 05/01/2017 20:08

Everything else aside - the bit about you wanting as many babies as possible, with the greatest respect, it's not down to you. You don't have to carry said babies, birth them and in all likelihood be the main carer for them. You seem to have a very idealistic view on this with little regard to the consequences of having a large brood! I have one child and I am the main carer, my husband works away - a lot. In the early days I resented him SO much. We are through the worst of it now, my son is nearly two and it's great, but my god, I don't want to go through it again. One is more than enough.

With regards to the rest of your post, I agree with the other posters, you seem completely mismatched. Does she have any redeeming qualities?!

RatherBeRiding · 05/01/2017 20:11

Normal people do not makes huge sacrifices in their relationships just for the sake of having a relationship (and children). Because it's not worth it.

You're not remotely compatible, and you know it. Of course no-one's perfect, but there will be someone out there who is perfect for you, and this is definitely not your GF.

At 33 you have plenty of time settle down and start having babies with someone - don't let the belief that all your friends are settling down panic you into staying in a hopeless relationship just because you don't want "to be left behind" or some such rubbish.

You really need to end it, for both your sakes. If you're struggling with it now, you really have no idea how much worse it will be in 10 years' time when you have young children, a massive mortgage and wake up one morning to the realisation that Oh Shit - is this it??

Underthemoonlight · 05/01/2017 20:12

You're incompatible you know that Just end it. Bloody sexist wanting a load of babies without considering that the mother would have to carry give birth to them and be the main caregiver.

category12 · 05/01/2017 20:15

You're mismatched and don't seem to like her that much.

Although if you want lots of children, you do probably want someone who isn't career-driven, BUT very importantly you shouldn't look down on her for not being ambitious in that way. Cos it is kinda sucky and awful to expect a partner to take the hit of lots and lots of maternity leave and presumably a stay at home role (if you're intending to continue to work all hours) - and look down on her for that very thing. Which is what I'm getting from your attitude to your current gf.

Cricrichan · 05/01/2017 20:19

For someone who ways sees the good in people you seem to have a lot to criticize your girlfriend for! What do you like about her???

SandyY2K · 05/01/2017 20:25

You're not compatible, so you should go your seperate ways. Negative people bring you down, but your comment about having as many babies as possible sounds very odd.

Do you want a baby machine?
Are you going to be around to coparent while you're working all these hours?
Do you want her to have a life? Or to be barefoot and pregnant forever?

TBH, if a man told me he wanted as many babies as possible, I'd run very far away.

Original poster

pleasehlpemethanks · 05/01/2017 22:13

Thanks for your replies.

She has tons of redeeming qualities. She has a huge heart, she's a very loving person, very affectionate, fun to be around, loyal, a general good-egg. She pretends to like football, just for me, she loves to look after other people, and never puts herself first.

Me wanting loads of kids and simultaneously wanting to work like a mule, as you guys have rightly pointed out, ridiculous. I own a company and plan to coparent whilst working!

thanks again

OP posts:

GentlyOnTheShort · 05/01/2017 23:47

pleasehelpme I think other posters are being ridiculous and cynical attacking you for wanting lots of babies! You sound bright and switched on, so go for what you want and ignore these eejits.

But I do think other posters are right to say you sound very mismatched.

And cynicism is a funny thing. When people get stuck in it (and I hope your g/f doesn't) it can be very corrosive.

SoleBizzz · 06/01/2017 01:24

End it. You are mismatched.

Kr1stina · 06/01/2017 08:25

I think it's unlikely that you will meet a woman who will meet your high standards .

As you are keen to build your company by working long hours and also have lots of babies I suggest you consider surrogacy. That way you can fulfill both your ambitions as a single parent without being killed by your GFs negatively and continue to be a bright happy person.

Viviene12 · 06/01/2017 08:45

Are you same sex couple? Not that it matters but could be that it would be you carrying the babies. Would that fit with your work?
I think it is unrealistic to expect you'll be able to have a large family and both have demanding and time consuming careers. Unless, of course, you are prepared to shell out thousands for childcare.

Barefootcontessa84 · 06/01/2017 08:50

I would say end it. You don't have to be mismatched in every single way for you to break up, but what you have described is enough. You fundamentally don't like her attitude towards life - you can't bring up children together with such divergent outlooks. If you don't feel 'all in', just don't do it.

Tenshidarkangel · 06/01/2017 10:44

I read an article not that long ago about women in their 30's and the biological clock so to speak. It was aimed at men but it works here too.
The basics of it was that as we hit our 30's it becomes harder for women to get pregnant and that if, as a man, you partner wanted children and you didn't you should leave her to find someone who does want kids and can give her that.
I don't doubt you love your partner (I'm assuming your a women) but if she's not interested in kids it's time to go.
Would you be settling if you stayed with her?

MyWineTime · 06/01/2017 10:55

So you want an upbeat, positive, career-driven woman who wants lots of babies and not too much socialising with friends while you work all hours to progress in your career. But of course you'll co-parent!

You are not making major sacrifices at all, you are doing what you want, entirely for your own satisfaction. It's fine to do that, but don't kid yourself that it's any sacrifice, it's clearly not.

You are not even remotely compatible. Let this poor woman go, she'll probably be a lot happier with someone who values her for who she is, rather than someone who wants her to change.

MyWineTime · 06/01/2017 10:58

Are you same sex couple?
The OP is a man. He's posted on other threads.

Trifleorbust · 06/01/2017 11:05

So you want her to work all the hours God sends, provide you with a big family, support you in your choice to work all hours and do so with a big smile on her face?

Nothing unreasonable about that

Frankelly66 · 06/01/2017 11:17

It's not about accepting no ones perfect, but being a bit realistic!

You want a women who is career driven and works heaps of hours, has lots of children and has a huge smile on her face with that going on....

All women love to a whinge and bitch - it's why we use this website!

You've only lived together 4 months, very early to expect her to be considering babies, especially with a man who works a lot!

Be patient, enjoy her, enjoy your life and what will be will be! Fortunately being male you don't have a deadline on baby making! :-)

MsGameandWatch · 06/01/2017 11:33

I think your unrealistic expectations of her will end up making her nervous and unhappy, if they're not already. Seemingly you actually have the perfect set up for "as many babies as possible" i.e. She doesn't have a consuming and taxing career, so might be willing to be a full time main carer for them, however you're moaning about her not being ambitious enough? Do you see how that sounds unrealistic and actually rather clueless about the incredible demands of being a parent and what she as main carer would be bringing to the table? I've known a few men like you, lots of threads on here too, all stomping about and pontificating about ambition and the woman Doing Her Bit Financially, yet no practical awareness of the huge demands of child care and full time parenting. Those women are on here posting for advice in their 1000's feeling nervous and sad and useless because they're being berated for not being enough by men who actually don't know what the hell they are talking about and who prioritise financial input into a marriage, home, relationships.

That's what I see when I read your OP. So yes you should end it, for her sake and for gods sake don't have kids till you've grown up a bit. Hang around here and read all the threads I mention above. That might help you

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