Looking for retorts to passive aggressive mother

[allgoodnamestaken]

Always end up irked after speaking with her. What's the best way to deal with the constant criticism/controlling behaviour? e.g. 'I thought you'd have phoned your brother', 'I thought you were getting a new kitchen', 'I thought you'd visit on Sunday'.
It's exhausting. If I never hear 'I thought' again I'll be happy.
She is quite sensitive so telling her to stop with the I thought wouldn't be well received.

My dad was 'Well, i would have thought that you would have wanted ... '

It's hard to explain to those who haven't had a lifetime of it.

Answer every comment with a curious smile and the simple question "Why?" Followed by silence. Do it every time.

Let her explain herself and she'll soon stop.

'Did you? No.'

End of discussion.

Yes, ask why. Either just 'why' or something more like 'oh really, what made you think that?'

And / or answer the question with neutral, unapologetic fact. So not 'oh yes I was going to phone him but I've been really busy', but 'no I haven't phoned him recently'.

She's relying on you playing the game she's setting with her subtext. She implies a criticism and you respond to that. If you respond to her as though she's being very literal and honest, it completely undermines her game.

'You thought wrong then didn't you ' in a pleasant tone with a smile :) everytime x

How about "I thought you'd have dropped dead by now, but you've always been disappointing."

I thought you'd have all come up with something better......
Ha ha.
Will try your suggestions. Thanks

"Think again".

"I thought you'd know me better by know" would be my ho go to response

' Really?' In a very bored voice

"what makes you think that?"

"Sorry, did you say something?"

"Well, that was a classic blunder" (particularly suitable for Princess Bride fans).

Yay to name.

I get this all the time and just answer with "I'd have thought you would have known me better by now" saccharine smile/head tilt

Doesn't stop it happening mind you

No, I can see why, but I thought I'd try something: more original , else, that makes me happier.

All that thinking about what I'm thinking. I'm not thinking you're thinking about what I'm thinking, I think you think I think what you're thinking, but I'm thinking something else. I think.

Well you know what thought did

Then change the subject

Irritated the shot out of everyone when I was growing up

I used to get, 'Well i would have thought that you of all people... '

... would love Boris Johnson Fuck no
... would want to donate to the NCPCC's Campaign For Panicked Horror And Angst Not really
... would enjoy a massive lunch at 12.00 comprising 7,000 calories of large fish and chips and batter in lard, oh and I got one for your toddler too, now sit down and eat up, it was very expensive, no I couldn't eat anything, it's too early for me, what's wrong with toddler, why isn't he tucking in, when I was his age ...

Agree with asking why. Don't go along with it.

Or just say 'oh really' and say nothing else. Why is a question and leads to an answer on her part. Closed answer is better. Then stay silent.

Have you ever read Captain Awkward? She's got a bunch of scripts and ideas for dealing with situations like this.