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Original poster

My sons girlfriend

34 replies

brokenyoyo · 20/02/2007 23:03

I posted this in the teenagers board but it's relevant here too.

I have 5 children aged 13, 15, 17, 21 and 23.

Their father left us 3 years ago, me and the kids went from a nice house in a nice area to a horrible council house in a horrible, rough area with next to no money but we do manage ok, I feel I'm quite close to my kids.

Anyway, my DS is the 17 year old (nearly 18) and he's in his 2nd year at college resitting what he did last year as he managed to somehow fail it , anyway he got with this girl who is in her 1st year, they became very close and he spent alot of time with her and she spent alot of time here.

Turned out she had a lot of problems, she was only 16 but lived on her own in a shared student house, she had a volatile relationship with her mum etc. One weekend after she'd spent the night here my son asked me if she could move in with us (various reasons, one being that she was being accused of being a thief and thrown out of the shared house) I'm pretty "liberal" and after a bit of bargaining I agreed as long as she paid me some kind of rent...she got £40 a week and gave me £25 which I was happy with.

She seemed ok at first, was very quiet, shy and kept herself to herself but after a few nights she started acting a bit odd. One night for instance she went to wash her hair and didnt put the shower head over the taps properly and water went everywhere, instead of stopping and turning the taps off she just carried on letting it soak the bathroom, it got so bad that water was seaping through the ceiling downstairs!

I shouted up that the water was going everywhere and it stopped, I then went up to make sure she wasn't offended by me shouting up (didnt want her to feel unwelcome) and she was in hysterics, so much so that she couldn't speak to me for laughing, even DS seemed confused and kept asking what she was laughing at.

Anyway I didn't think much of it but after a whilst she started trying to delibrately wind everyone up, for instance she recruited my 15 year old DD on a mission to wind up my son by messing around with his PC putting silly noises on it etc, they got it to shout "f* off then" everytime he closed a menu and he was furious and blamed my DD fully which caused a row.

She then moved onto my eldest son (23) who suffers from OCD. Basically his room is untouchable, everything has its place, no creases can be made on his bed covers, no CD's out of place, the curtains open at a certain distance at each side...he's that bad that if you pick a dvd off his shelf, look at it and then put it back on the shelf he'd know as it would be 'out of place' when he returned. SHE KNOWS THIS. so what does she do...go in and deliberatly mess things up, she had permision to use his playstation whilst he's at work so she goes in and one time she hid one of his slippers in his bed, she'll take a dvd and put in the floor and one time she even went as far as to empty the bottom of a crisp packet on his carpet. She knows how crazy he goes about it so runs off and hides in the bedroom when he gets in from work, listens to him kick off (last time he punched a hole in the wall he was so angry) and she sits laughing to herself.

My DS wont have anything said against her but I'm starting to wonder if this is going to work out, there are other examples too but I'll post them later if anyone is interested.

I'm trying to be "liberal" and tolerant but if I'm honest she's starting to seem a bit of a nutcase.

Thanks for listening. sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 20/02/2007 23:05

Message withdrawn

QuootiepieTheOnlyPie · 20/02/2007 23:06

eeek! Maybe not a nutcase but certainly immature. How do your other DCs feel about her? maybe she is trying to fit in somehow by messing around more like a sibling with them?

FluffyMummy123 · 20/02/2007 23:06

Message withdrawn

ChopinRocks · 20/02/2007 23:07

brokenyoyo, this is odd. She is obviously very inmature for her age and has behavioural problems. my instinct would be to ask her to leave, its not fair on your family.

QueenEagle · 20/02/2007 23:08

When she moved in (brave bloody move btw, not sure I would do it) was it on the understanding it was til she found somewhere else or is this an indefinite arrangement?

If it were me, I would say MY HOUSE< MY RULES, if you don't like them or stick to them, find somewhere else.

I would not put up with this, you need to tell her to find somehere else. Don't envy you that, though.

controlfreakyandroses · 20/02/2007 23:08

why would you want to put up with this amount of gyp from anyone?

ChopinRocks · 20/02/2007 23:08

would you put up with this sort of behaviour from your kids?

ScottishThistle · 20/02/2007 23:09

Nutter alert!

Kick her out quick before she boils the bunny!

Marscentio · 20/02/2007 23:11

I'd give her notice. First I'd say "My house my rules" then I'd give a finite time for her to get with the program or get out!

That's it. No soft couching etc... Discipline and boundaries!

AngharadGoldenhand · 20/02/2007 23:11

I'm not surprised she has a volatile relationship with her mum if this is her normal behaviour.

DominiConnor · 20/02/2007 23:11

50% I'd have given her notice, 50% I'd have chucked her out by now.

I'm not an expert on drug use, and am at a distance of course, but the behaviour looks chemically induced.

I brought a girl home whilst at college, and sadly it was the other way. She (rightly) thought my family were criminally insane. She was a quiet, middle class girl who found aggressive working class behaviour quite scary.

fireflyfairy2 · 20/02/2007 23:13

Pack her bags!!! quicko!! She's a bloody nutcase!

madamez · 20/02/2007 23:13

Does sound a bit as though she has some sort of mental health problems herself. OK could be just teenage tiresomeness but it does sound a little bit odd.
Thing is, you're not her mum. She's not really your problem. You haven't actually agreed to foster a probably disturbed teenager when you agreed to let your DS girlfriend stay with you, and it's putting a lot on both you and your other DCS. So maybe you need to talk to your DS - the one whose girlfriend she is and say, look, your girlfriend is upsetting other people in the house, so we need to find her another safe space to live in - and contact your local council, housing office etc and see what can be done for a vulnerable teenager who needs a home. Not advocating that you either chuck her out (which you sound like much too nice aperson to do anyway) or trying to guilt-trip you into letting her stay when you agreed to let "DS girlfriend" stay but didn't agree to, or expect, someone with problems that are a bit more than you should be expected to cope with.

colditz · 20/02/2007 23:13

sounds like a toddler who is pushing her boundries. Don't put up with it. Sit her down, adult to adult, and say that if she doesn't find somewhere else to live you will be contacting Social Services.

lou33 · 20/02/2007 23:16

i would tell her to leave

Original poster
brokenyoyo · 20/02/2007 23:30

My other kids don't mind her really, my youngest (13) gets irritated by how noisy she is but apart from that gets on well with her, she often goes to her and asks her to do her hair etc which the gf seems to enjoy.
my 15 year old DD thinks she's great, she spends alot of time with her.
Obviously my youngest son loves her to bits, my other daughter doesnt live with us so isnt too bothered either way but my eldest son can't stand her, think she's wierd.

I actually get on great with her which makes it so difficult, we often have late night chats etc and she has led a very 'different' life, troubled upbringing etc and she's lovely to talk to but then she does something stupid and I want her out. Last week her and my DD turned all the furniture in the living room the wrong way (chairs facing the wall etc), my DD never used to do stuff like this before she moved in.

But then I do like her, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Tortington · 20/02/2007 23:39

i think she's deliberatley pushing her luck. i would tell her to quit it or she's out. sounds like she's craving some parenting. Liberal is nice - but my opinion is with teenagers discipline is key.

ScottishThistle · 20/02/2007 23:40

Sorry but she has issues I think, very immature behaviour for an 18yr old!!!

Marscentio · 20/02/2007 23:55

Just because you like someone doesn't mean that they can push you around. I agree... she's crying out for parenting. Often people lose sight of the fact that parenting means saying No!

Discipline is the key. Discipline and boundaries. I work at a youthgroup with teens. I have my own teen and a pre-teen. Trust me.... discipline and boundaries (and being consistent).

But then it's your choice. You can keep being "nice" until you lose your mind or your family. Custy hit it on the head.

Original poster
brokenyoyo · 21/02/2007 00:15

I asked them to clean their room up a while ago and the next day my dd told me to go and look at it and the gf had emptied an ash tray behind the bed onto the carpet, it was a right mess and I know it was her as DS doesnt smoke.

When she got in I questioned her about it and again she collapsed into hysterics (but did clean it up), ds then went mad at her for it saying it was disgusting and he shouldnt have to sleep in filth and she again laughed at him.

In my living room we have a very old carpet which did have a few stains on before, it's not been replaced due to severe lack of money. Anyway since she arrived more and more stains have been appearing on it and I'm sure she's doing it on purpose as DS's rug that I bought him for his bedroom is now full of coffee stains etc and I've heard him shouting at her about it.

I've never knows such behaviour, I have had 5 teens and none have been like this, even the one with behavioural problems wasnt this bad.

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/02/2007 00:17

they smoke in your house?

knock that on the head love - outside jesus you'll all go up in smoke.

i think a serious raised voice is in order.

Marscentio · 21/02/2007 00:21

broken..... Be the grown up! You decide what does or doesn't go in your home.

Original poster
brokenyoyo · 21/02/2007 00:22

My 15 year old smokes and the GF does too , my DD has been punished numerous times, I destroy them when I find them, my 13 year old attacks her for smoking in their shared room, she doesnt care.

the GF is supposed to smoke outside, she then changed this to smoking out of the bedroom window but just threw the buts onto the garden from the window when she'd finished. Now it seems she just throws them on the carpet

I really want to try and help her, she's not nasty or arrogent at all, when I tell her off she does change her behaviour (apart from the winding my eldest DS up but now youngest ds has taken to blaming the grandkids for stuff she's done so I no longer know who's done what). She has obviously lacked parenting somewhere and I would love to help her but as I say, she seems a bit nuts, is she beyond help?

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 21/02/2007 00:36

She seems to be lacking respect for you & your family...I'm not sure you can train an 18yr old to have respect to be honest!

Tortington · 21/02/2007 00:39

in my house it goes like this - to ALL.

" if i find another fag end INSIDE my house i'm gonna seriously kick off. my house my rules if you dont like it then fuck off"

or
"if i find another thing ruined in my house i will seriously kick off. how very fucking dare you. it may not be much to you but its MINE - your beds - are mine - your carpet in your rom..MINE. everything you think is yours that i have bought for your use in MY home is MINE you treat MY things with respect, by doing so you respect ME. and if you dont like it - you can fuck off"

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