Partner says he no longer fancies me

[rosabug]

Hi. I have been with my partner 20 years we are 52 and 55. We have not had sex in about 6 years. He would never really tell me why, though I suspected it was because he did not find me greatly attractive anymore. We have been through a very difficult 3 years in which he agreed to me having some casual lovers and then after these had ended he had an affair with a work friend which is now over. He finally told me his attraction for me had been waning for some years, yea it hurt, but I guess I knew already. However we still love one another very much. I feel so afraid of the relationship ending and being single. We have contacted relate, but have not started proper counselling yet. Has anyone been through similar and come out the other side?

I haven't been through anything like this. However, i think you should forget about your partners needs at the moment and concentrate on yourself. Do you feel happy within yourself, the way you look etc. If the answer is no then start working on yourself, to be the best person for you. By this you will start to feel happier, trust me. You will then get confidence from this. I would like to say that you should not let anyone make you feel bad about yourself but put two fingers up to them and show them what their missing. Know your value and self worth. Big hug.

It sounds like a really difficult situation you're in, I agree with the above post you firstly need to concentrate on yourself and start seeing friends more and working on a good support network if you are able to. It's hard to get used to being on your own but made all that bit easier by family and friends. I also find it quite disheartening that a husband of 20 years cannot not love you for you after all that time, I believe that if you truly love someone it is unconditional whether they have changed over the years or not. However, that is just my opinion. I wish you all the best and I feel you deserve so much better not to say that he is a bad person or anything of the sort.

thanks for your thoughts. I actually had a frank and gentle discussion with him today and asked him how much my weight and fitness had to do with things. He said he was very ashamed to admit it, but a lot. He is very very fit and enjoys physical challenges, while I'm somewhat lethargic. However, I don't really believe in unconditional love, I think it's a bit of a myth. I thought about it and if I was as fit and energetic as he was and my partner got flabby and a bit lazy I think it might affect my sexual love for them. My partner has said along along how much he loves me and I know he does. So I'm going on a hyper fitness regime, I also have known for a long time that it might well be key to a lot of things not right in my life - principally energy levels which effect my work and mood - so yes first and foremost improve myself...nothing to lose.

I think it's normal to have seriously decreasing sexual desire for someone in their 50s who you've been having sex with for 20 years. But we don't say these things out loud because most of us are kind and wouldn't want to hurt the people we love.

I'm sure we all have fleeting fantasies of sex with fit 20 year olds but:

1. The fit 20 year olds don't want to have sex with us and we certainly wouldn't want to expose our 50 year old bodies to their scrutiny plus we haven't got the energy or agility for acrobatics.
2. We love our partners and would never do anything to hurt them.
3. They may not make us want to rip their clothes off 3 times a day, but now and again, in a dimly lit room, with plenty of cushioning between us and the floor, after a glass of wine and a fun day or evening together, we can have a very nice time.

I think you're doing the right and brave thing in losing weight and getting fit and healthy. I'm overweight and my partner is too but we never used to bit. I'll admit I fancy him less as an overweight man and he would say the same about me. We need to do something about it.
There's nothing wrong with taking steps to get back to were you once were and reignite that spark.
Good luck

If you were able to find casual lovers, you must still be attractive.

Does he want to remain in the relationship?

Yes, ideally I think he does, he says he does even without sex, he's not a wanderer by nature. However like any long relationship we have our problems. yes I still think I'm attractive - but overweight......

TBH, it sounds like a pretty soulless empty relationship. I really can't imagine how anyone could say they love each other when living in what seems to be an open marriage, where you both seem to be happy with each other having relationships elsewhere. But each to their own I guess. its not fair on you to feel you have to change, just to keep him, unless you really do want to change for yourself.