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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal?

14 replies

WTAFF · 02/01/2017 15:30

My sister has just had to go to the hospital as she has a fish bone stuck in her throat.

She had plans to see her boyfriend this evening, who she hasn't seen in almost two weeks as she has been away for Christmas with family (boyfriend was invited but wanted to spend Christmas with his own family).

She texted her boyfriend to let him know the situation and that she didn't know if she would be able to get to his house on time and got a sarcastic response back from him (essentially saying 'oh dear Hmm').

She hasn't heard from him since. There have been no messages or phone calls expressing concern as to her welfare. I appreciate he is disappointed that he doesn't get to see her but it almost seems that he thinks his needs are the only ones which matter.

Would anyone expect their DP/DH's to behave like this if they were in this situation? Also, do I raise this with my sister or just keep out of it?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/01/2017 15:31

He's a cunt.

TheNaze73 · 02/01/2017 15:42

What is the context of their relationship? I've I'd been casually seeing someone, my response would be different to if I'd say been with them 3 years. I'd be a bit more empathetic either way, I'd hope

Original poster
WTAFF · 02/01/2017 15:46

They've been together over two years.

He has now texted her saying that he is sure that she doesn't have a bone stuck in her throat and he's sure she has just grazed it.

Hmm

I'm not sure whether to just keep my mouth shut though.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/01/2017 16:31

OP she's your sister, I would definitely say something. He sounds a right arsehole. Do they live together?

Original poster
WTAFF · 02/01/2017 16:51

No, they don't live together. Of course I know I should say something but I've tried on a couple of occasions to point out that he has behaved awfully and my DSis always makes me feel like I'm interfering. Apparently my sister's boyfriend knows that 'I don't like him' and I'm 'trying to turn her against him'.

I'm not. I thought he was ok until about six months ago when my DSis started confiding in me about his behaviour.

So I'm going to have to deal wth this one carefully.

Thanks everyone for your opinions and advice.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 02/01/2017 16:59

I think he thinks she's being dramatic.

Why would he think that?

What's he like generally? What's your sister telling you?

Bananalanacake · 02/01/2017 17:07

Well make sure they don't move in together.

9GreenBottles · 02/01/2017 17:10

Personally it's not what I would expect from my partner but what do you hope to achieve by saying something? If your sister makes you feel like you are interfering by commenting previously, how is she likely to respond this time?

Original poster
WTAFF · 02/01/2017 17:10

He does think that she over-exaggerates things. I personally don't agree. For example, he likes to play fight and often gets a bit rough. One of the things I was most shocked about is that he was apparently mock strangling her and it started to hurt. She told him he was choking her and he told her to stop being dramatic - if he was really choking her she wouldn't be able to speak. I was Shock

If she has an illness he will tell her to stop being so dramatic. Now this is in response to normal illness symptoms like coughing or blowing your nose. It's almost like a minimisation of any of her feelings.

He is quite secretive and distant generally but my DSis seems to like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
WTAFF · 02/01/2017 17:11

9GreenBottles. That's exactly what I'm thinking. I just worry that he might actually hurt her physically.

To the PP who said make sure she doesn't move in - I don't know how I could stop this. My DSis is her own person and is very headstrong.

OP posts:
Simonneilsbeard · 02/01/2017 17:22

He sounds like a shit. I would suspect he knows that you know he's no good for her and he's fond of telling her 'your sister doesn't like me' because he knows you have his measure!
Play strangling is worrying indeed.

LineyReborn · 02/01/2017 17:40

He sounds dangerous and ego-driven.

Why do you think your sister is telling you all this stuff, then pushing your concerns away?

9GreenBottles · 02/01/2017 17:48

The example you gave about strangling is worrying, and our immediate response would be to rescue, but if your sister resents this response from you, it could drive a wedge between you.

Unless there is a direct threat from him at this time consider being led by how your sister wants to discuss this incident with you eg how does she feel about it and what is she going to do - and how does she want you to support her because you are worried for her.

Maverickismywingman · 02/01/2017 17:50

I had gastroenteritis and the message I got back from a guy I was dating was "jeez". And then some concern if he would get it.

That was an alarm bell which I wish I had listened to.

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