When is a red flag not a red flag?

[namechange102]

My OH over the years has done a number of things which are possible red flags, but he always seems to have a plausible excuse. I'm hitting mid-life crisis age right now, and feel totally taken for granted, as I've enabled his lovely career while killing off mine to look after the children. All the usual stuff, but I'm now wondering whether I've been taken for a mug all these years. Is OH just really thoughtless and stupid, or is he playing me for a fool and just doing what he wants while I sort out the mundane family life? Has anyone had these red flags in their lives, and they turned out to mean nothing?? Or are they actually relationships killers? What do you think??

5 years into the relationship, he goes off with the intention to shag some randomer at a work do, as 'men are supposed to have more partners than women'. Never sure if he did or not.

Writes to a woman he fancies while working away. Thinks about breaking up to hook up with this woman. She's not interested. Stays with me. Only found this out years later.

Caught looking up porn. Says he'll not look at it again. Ten years down the line, turns out he did! And lied about it when asked!

Looks up Tinder on GooglePlay. Because a friend met his wife on there.

Has looked at some woman's dating profile. Because he was curious.

Computer reckons he has logged out of an email account. Which he apparently has never used. Said email account has many permanently deleted emails, deleted just before he gets back after working away. None since.

'Forgets' to wear his wedding ring while socialising on work do's away from home.

Email spam from numerous dating/fuckbuddy etc sites.

Female colleague starts messaging him gossipy shit in the evenings. Tells her I am unhappy with it, despite agreeing with me at home that it feels inappropriate. Bad wife.

How many 'red flags' can you forgive before they're just taking the piss? Are these all believable individually?

Am thinking we need a serious talk about boundaries because I've just about reached the end of my tether. Any advice gratefully received!

Some of them, OP, but I think it's like boiling a frog

Definitely fishy. I personally would leave him and rinse him out of every penny.

Looking up Tinder on google to see what it is could be innocent. Looking it up on googleplay is less so. But that's not particularly damning.

Looking up a woman's dating profile because he was curious? Who was she? How did he know her? Curious about what? Definitely crossing a line, but not necessarily damning...

But going out intending to shag a randomer because men should have more sexual partners than women? Dealbreaker.

Trying to arrange a hook up with a woman he fancied and only staying with you because she turned him down? Dealbreaker. And FFS how much less self respect could you have had to accept it?

It is pointless trying to talk about boundaries now. There's no infrastructure there to build them on. He won't care. He knows exactly what he's been doing all these years.

You don't need to have a serious talk about boundaries at all.

You need a serious talk about separating.

But I'm guessing he'll say you can't get divorced based on what a load of anonymous women (man haters) say on the internet.

I don't think they're married.

And the OP has killed off her own career to take care of the children so his could flourish...

I have never experienced a red flag that was not a red flag.

These aren't just flags. They are big bloody alarm bells.

He's agreeing that messaging a female colleague is inappropriate...yet still does it. Signs up for Internet sex sites.....set out to have sex with a randomer and "no idea whether it happened or not".
Inappropriate and non-monogamous behaviour from husband dearest. good luck with any boundary chats you wish to have. He has crossed every line there is already

Shefeeds to be fair, I only recently found out that he was thinking of leaving in that incident, doesn't make it any better, but I don't think he asked her. I think he got the general feeling so didn't pursue it any further. Don't know why I'm defending that. But finding out years down the line with two kids and no job is totally different...

These aren't just red flags. I think you do indeed have solid evidence of him cheating or attempting to cheat almost throughout your entire marriage. What would you count as actual evidence? Catching him in the act? You may need to accept he is never going to confess all but you have more than enough obvious evidence of what he is like right here.

Chic yes, we are married.
Maverick he stopped messaging her when I said I thought it was inappropriate. And I don't know that he signed up, just that he had clicked on a profile (Guardian Soulmates) and read it (did have to click 'more details ' link to read the whole thing tho...

I just don't understand why, once there had been 2 or 3 of these, you didn't at least protect yourself by getting a job and having it in your mind that you'd leave once the children were grown. At the very least.

I just kicked my exh out and I wasn't working at the time. I got a job within a few weeks. But there was no way I was even listening to his nonsense excuses. I certainly wouldn't have believed or accepted them.

he stopped messaging her when I said I thought it was inappropriate

FFS, he knew it was inappropriate anyway.

Honestly, I'm not one who goes in for 'victim' blaming, but as the only person you're a victim of is yourself... some people really do deserve everything they get.

This, if it is true, is beyond belief.

I have the feeling that if you caught him with his penis in another woman's vagina he could tell you he slipped and fell in there and you'd believe/accept that.

He's treating you like a mug and now you're trying to defend him, he's really done a number on you OP. LTB now before he destroys you

Shefeeds it's not always that easy to just go out and get a job though, is it? One which fits into school hours or pays enough for pre/post school care, when you're practically living as a single parent with no family to help.

Don't be so negative there are thousands of us single mums out here doing exactly that.

Shefeeds so I deserve it all, do I? Thanks for that. You've got no idea what else has happened in my life over this time period.
Chic your comment is just as bad. Crude. Completely inappropriate, and blatantly untrue. Thanks for the support.

I don't know, it was pretty easy for me when I did it. I do have a profession, but I'd taken a break from that to care for a terminally ill parent and couldn't handle going back in to it full time at that point.

So I just got 'a job'. and I was a single parent and I didn't have any family to help either because one parent had just died and I haven't seen the other for 5 years now.

It's just excuses. You can do it if you want to. If you got a job with a crap wage, you'd apply for tax credits like everyone else.

jeaux not being negative, just haven't managed it myself yet. Fair play to those that have though!

I don't think you deserve it. In fact I wonder how he has treated you generally to make you doubt your ability to go it alone and to struggle to question something so obviously wrong. I bet he's done a right number on you

Do you want him, though? It sounds like you are not really keen any more. What choices do you have?

I don't really know what you were hoping for. You're husband has been taking you for a fool for 20 years and you've let him. The writing has been on the wall for a very long time and you've been walking around with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears peddling some "what I don't know can't hurt me" and "ignorance is bliss" narratives and now you're getting cross with other people for pointing this out to you and not being complicit in your delusion.

shefeeds and we'll done to you for that. I guess I just need to apply myself and try harder.

*well!!

I think you have three choices. 1) stay and put up and shut up as you have done to date. 2) leave. You don't need to give a reason other than you are unhappy. Wait until a no fault divorce is granted or 3) start snooping in his devices and if you don't know how, find someone that does. Check for a hidden phone or phones (usually in his car or gym bag) and do everything you need to to get actual proof that he is being or has been unfaithful. If it was me I would go with two. In your gut you know he has made a mug out of you for years but it would be a waste of breath having any sort of conversation with him.

Erm, where have I been getting cross??