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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp is not interested in sex at all, I'm on the verge of an affair.

18 replies

Zoflorabore · 02/01/2017 00:07

Hi, been with dp for almost nine years but we have a long friendship spanning almost 20 years.
He told me that he was a virgin Years after we first slept together which didn't make
sense as he had a long term gf but said they had never had sex

So my sex drive would probably be considered quite low so I've never found it a major issue that his was too, it has always been a "take it or leave it" kind of attitude.

I'm 39, he's 40, we have a dd together and i have a ds with exh.
He's an amazing dad! But not so much as a partner. I feel totally rejected all the time, have initiated sex, have asked him to have date nights, every single thing I can think of to make us connect again but he's seemingly not interested.

I've spoke about this on other threads but it's come to the point now where I know our situation is not normal, he sleeps downstairs a lot, there is no talking, watching tv, nothing.

It's like there are two separate families under one roof, him and dd and me and ds.

My sex drive seems to be increasing and I've suggested lots of things to him, in the last year we had sex probably 7 times and every time he was unable to ejaculate without finishing himself off which made me feel even worse!

I was recently diagnosed with bpd and OCD and have anxiety and fibromyalgia, life is
a struggle but I try so hard for my family and
most people wouldn't have a clue that i have MH issues.

It came to a head last week when we had an argument and he said that I am the reason he can't perform and if it means that much to me then go and find someone else and do him a favour! He later said he meant none of this.

I feel like I need to see what life is like in a normal sexual relationship, I know that I can have an affair if i want to but that just opens a whole can of worms.
Man in question is a mutual friend who has made no secret that he fancies me and I like him too, it's such a fucking mess.

Lastly, he admitted he has never really had a sex drive and will go to the doctor " if I want him to"

If you've got this far then massive thanks for reading :)

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 02/01/2017 00:10

I think the main issue here is that he's not interested in you. There is no connection,no intimacy etc. And that's a pretty miserable way to live.

GlobalTechIndustries · 02/01/2017 00:18

Question: in the long run is it better to consider having an affair on the basis that in the long run it keeps the family together and helps you to get your release ?

LesisMiserable · 02/01/2017 00:19

Dont have an affair. You need to split.

Original poster

Zoflorabore · 02/01/2017 00:27

I just don't know! Am certainly not a sex addict but feel there's more to life than this.

As I said before, dp is a great dad, good with my family and generally a nice person on the whole but by god he's like my brother :(

I just don't want to waste my life being so unhappy.

OP posts:

StiffenedPleat · 02/01/2017 00:35

Maybe he wouldn't be too bothered if you sought intimacy with someone else?

RebelRogue · 02/01/2017 00:37

He can be an amazing dad,but he is not your dad,he is your partner. And he's not being a good partner. So for your sake,you need to move on,life is too short.

Sprink · 02/01/2017 00:38

Counselling. Go, now. Together, if he will, but on your own if you must.

Ohdearducks · 02/01/2017 00:46

An affair will just fuck everything up, he will find out and possibly dump you. If you want to try to save the relationship seek counselling together if he's not willing I think that says enough and the relationship is over.
Whatever happens, don't have the affair, end your current relationship first.

caroldecker · 02/01/2017 00:53

I would explore the open marriage possibility more. Some people are asexual and may not mind a FWB scenario. Give him the chance to see if he meant before splitting up. Don't just have an affair.
This assumes you would want that relationship with your husband.

Original poster

Zoflorabore · 02/01/2017 01:03

I believe he may be asexual or even bisexual, had a few niggling thoughts over the years and my gut instinct is rarely wrong.

He just won't talk to me, never has been able to. We are possibly the most mis matched couple ever, I'm chatty and love socialising ( at home or friends houses ) and he hates people coming over and is extremely quiet by nature.

I'm prepared to split, I know I will be able to cope just fine, am booked in for counselling anyway and I'm going to suggest it to him.

When he says these nasty things to me then retracts them it doesn't mean that i forget, words hurt.
I feel starved of any affection, attention and love.

He would not want to leave our house as would hate to go to parents as his mum is more OCD than me and he probably couldn't afford his own place at the minute so it's convenient that he's here, he gets to see his dd and dss, has a nice house to live in and doesn't have to lift a finger.

Speaking to friends I know our relationship is massively dysfunctional.

OP posts:

Isetan · 02/01/2017 08:33

However long the sexual gratification lasts with this other chap it really won't be worth the shit that comes with it, as even with his knowledge/permission, there's a very good chance it will be used as a stick to beat you with both in public as in private.

They're called exit affairs for a reason because once you realise what you've been missing, you won't want to go back to a life of no intamacy. An affair in this instance will be confirming something you already know, your marriage as you want it to be is over and has been for a long time.

This is who your H is and this what marriage is like with him, accept it and move on.

Iac113 · 02/01/2017 08:54

I'm not sure an affair would solve anything and particularly not with a friend who you "like" if it's just sex and he is happy with you seeking it elsewhere then this man won't be a good choice as it sounds like feelings could already be there, never mind develop. Much better finding a random bloke who just just fancy. Women don't seem to find these Fwb relationships as easy as men to deal with so be careful.

Personally I would suggest leaving as it's much cleaner. You can then retain a good relationship with your ex, co parent well and build a new life for yourself without the pain that an affair will bring you.

PsychedelicSheep · 02/01/2017 12:51

If the relationship was otherwise good expect for this one (imo hugely important) aspect then I would suggest exploring the idea of an open relationship more as plenty of people have arrangements like this which can work very well as long as everyone is on board.

But this 'it's like there are two separate families under one roof' - this suggests this relationship has run its course and you would be better off separating.

Also 'he has a nice house to live in and doesn't have to lift a finger' what?! Why is he not lifting a finger ffs?!

gamerchick · 02/01/2017 12:56

Sounds like you're better off separating.

I would tell him that you're on the verge of an affair and it might be time to end things.

My hormones started to go nuts early 40s and libido climbed to annoying levels. In the position you describe I probably would have ended up depressed and unhappy.

We all need intimacy at the least.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2017 13:45

It came to a head last week when we had an argument and he said that I am the reason he can't perform and if it means that much to me then go and find someone else and do him a favour!

^^^ I wouldn't be able to forget or forgive this, even though it was retracted.

I'd look to end the relationship amicably.

HandyWoman · 02/01/2017 14:06

Agree with SandyY2K

If I heard my partner say those words I would take them at face value. I think he retracted them to keep his comfortable life of not lifting a finger.

I think the children in this household are being shown a damaging model of relationships.

The only person who would do better staying in the relationship (because he is getting his laundry washed, house cleaned and meals cooked) is your DP.

You and the dc would be far better off out of this setup. So that's 3 against 1. The dc will benefit massively from learning about healthy relationships. They are not learning it right now. OP to feel wanted and loved is normal. Time to put this relationship out of its misery and look towards a better future.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2017 14:08

I'd discuss this with him. He might not mind if you sought out elsewhere, in which case, do.

RitaCrudgington · 02/01/2017 14:14

If you were in an otherwise friendly and affectionate relationship soured only by incompatible sex drives then I'd advise having a serious conversation with him about an open marriage. But this doesn't sound like that - it sounds like a relationship with very little going for it even if you had zero need for sex yourself. A split seems inevitable.

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