Hello please bare with me this is going to be long but I feel so confused.
I have a partner, we've been engaged a year together 7. Got together when I was 17 him 19, fell pregnant with my first baby more or less straight away. We have four children now. I also have anxiety disorder and a history of depression. I thought my partner was the most amazing man alive I loved him more than anything and trusted him 100% i was certain he was the one. Shortly after my first baby was born I suffered PND. My partner and I lived with my parents at this time too.
One day when she was about 6 weeks, My partner left his phone at home when he went out and he got a text from a "friend" I saw the first part of it when the phone lit up and it didn't seem friendly so I opened it up. (I know I shouldn't of) and I found lots of texts from this girl he said was just a friend. They were sexts and quite filthy. I felt absolutely destroyed I'd just had his baby and had PND and the man I thought would never ever hurt me, did. I confronted him when he came home and he said he never meant it, it was all just a joke and he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. I said I forgave him as living at home I didn't want my parents to know and I didn't want to be left on my own either. He told me he wouldn't speak to her anymore and nothing happened. Paranoia took over and every time he went out I had a panic attack and whenever he wasn't around I would check
His phone and I then found out he was still talking to her but nothing dirty from what I could see, but when I asked if he was he lied and said he wasn't. She got a different job and they lost contact, another girl he made friends with and asked me if they could swap numbers to which I said no I couldn't trust him because of before, he then tells me about six months later she asked him out but he said no. So that's two girls, one he supposedly turned down and one he definitely lied about.
Fast forward things improve. We get our own place, had more children. I became very isolated though, lost all confidence and self esteem, hated being on my own and panicked whenever he went out. I felt I had to do everything for him to be perfect so he wouldn't leave or cheat again. I had to be good enough. If I ever upset him I was convinced he would leave or cheat. It didn't help he used to say "it's in the past aren't you over it now"
Another time he hurt me was when I was pregnant with my son, third baby. Thought things were amazing again, felt great between us. And then when looking through recent pics he'd taken of the kids while we were in hospital waiting on the baby to wriggle so I could go home, I found saved pictures of other women off a website if you know what I mean. So again I felt not good enough and hurt. Again he thought it wasn't that much of a big deal.
Since my last baby, he's really tried. If it wasn't for the history he would be a really great partner and he's a good dad. He's never been great at showing his romantic side or anything but I've just learned to accept that, some days I would feel he is the most amazing man and we are perfect for each other. Especially as we are now engaged.
Lately my anxiety has been easier to manage, I'm doing well and I feel more confident in myself I feel like I'm finding myself all over again but I'm left with niggles and doubts. I'm beginning to realise I did everything to make him happy, so he won't leave or be upset or think badly of me, I lived for his approval and validation and took responsibility for his happiness but now I'm realising that's now how it should be? I feel unhappy and I don't think I've ever got over the things that hurt me. He adores me and loves me very much and I know he wouldn't do anything like that again he learned from it but I'm worried it's too little to late and now that I'm finding myself again and feeling more sure of myself and my self worth, I'm realising I don't love him like I think I did? It was all a plaster so I didn't have to deal with the hurt or face being alone. I don't want to leave and regret it as it will break his and my children's hearts but I don't want to stay and regret it either. Something feels like it's missing. I don't know if I need to work harder or what I'm so confused.
Thankyou to anyone who got this far.
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I don't know what to do
8 replies
OrganisedChaos24 · 01/01/2017 20:42
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