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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this d v?

15 replies

Crazyhorse123 · 01/01/2017 13:32

Long story short. My DH loathes my brother as he was v rude to him years ago. Slowly but surely he cut him out of our lives. We have three dc age 7, 4 and 1. Brother has one dc aged one. I have been forbidden to take kids to see them but I did. DH looked in my phone and found photos last night. He went mental. I was holding baby and he grabbed me by the face and yelled at me. Then he packed a bag said he was going to sort brother out. Seven year old crying saying daddy don't leave and 4 year old joined in. I said he should go but then he said he was staying. Joint mortgage. I don't want the kids upset if he leaves but I don't want him to stay if we are now separated. Can I get him out of house legally? He says if I call police he will tell them I have shoved him in past which I have. He is emotionally abusive and has been for years. I earn the money he works part time earns v little mainly takes care of house. His mother will back him if he starts accusing me of things. I still love him but he has no insight into his behaviour at all saying it was rash but he did not hurt me. Because boys so upset he stayed but he said he hates me and does not trust me and we are through. His parents divorced and he is a mess. My parents were unhappy and I am a mess. I don't know which is worse I just want to get him out of the house without damaging them and I don't know how. Please help

OP posts:
wishparry · 01/01/2017 13:39

Oh God im aso sorry.I don't have much advice but didnt want to leave you hanging.....if I were you I'd call the police,and if your dh brings up your "shoving" just deny it as it's your word against his. (Probably worst advice in the world )

Evilrhooo · 01/01/2017 13:42

I am so sorry you had to experience this. I have to admit I would be tempted to say that as he hates you he has to leave. I would consider that dv personally. He has physically tried to control and or hurt you. I'm not going by to say ltb but can you live with him when he has behaved like this? From personal experience your brain will never forget. Lots of love xx.

Original poster
Crazyhorse123 · 01/01/2017 15:04

I don't know how to make him go. He has no money. He has no friends really as he is so paranoid and judgemental. He won't go to his mom. No I will never forget u r right. It's like living with the enemy it's torture but the kids went spare when he was going. So confused

OP posts:
EastMidsMummy · 01/01/2017 15:46

*He grabbed me by the face."

Yes. A violent assault.

whyohwhy000 · 01/01/2017 15:58

He grabbed me by the face

I would definitely consider that DV/assault. Call Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) if you need support (if you are in the UK). As you have a joint mortgage there's not much you can do legally to get him out (without him agreeing) unless you call the police.

if I were you I'd call the police,and if your dh brings up your "shoving" just deny it as it's your word against his

I would do this as well (not great advice though!).

Original poster
Crazyhorse123 · 02/01/2017 00:57

I've read all of this and although I agree I do not want to call the police and ruin his chances of being a dad. He won't leave though has said not living apart from kids. Is there any way of recording his actions with police or lawyer so if he does it again there is a record! And are kids always left with mom? I want advice on how to get him out without hurting kids through affecting their contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyhorse123 · 02/01/2017 00:58

Just reread above that need police to get him outConfused

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 02/01/2017 02:00

You can ring the police and have an off the record chat about the incident last night. You can also ask to speak to them about the emotional abuse you mention, this is now also a criminal offence. I wouldn't lie about shoving him though, it would depend on the circumstances but I would recommend that you consider exactly what had happened to cause you to do that (i.e. Was he stopping you leaving a room, were you arguing about something first and he put his hands on you and you pushed him to get him to let go etc) this would be perfectly understandable and certainly him grabbing you by the face is worse.

dovesong · 02/01/2017 02:15

Most of the time, if you're wondering whether something is DV, the answer is generally yes. I'm really sorry he did this. You deserve better than that.

Your kids will get over it. He's messing with their emotions as well as yours. They deserve to see you being treated well so they don't grow up to think it's okay for them to treat women that way.

I would definitely advise you to call women's aid and the police. Don't worry about his contact with the kids. It'll come out in the wash and he will get as little or as much contact he deserves.

GarrulousGrimoire · 02/01/2017 02:20

Yes I'd say that was DV, but I am going to go against the grain and say if he is the main SAHP be careful as they may see him as primary care giver??

No legal knowledge but if you work FT and can't prove it? Does anyone know?

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2017 07:24

Yes it is, as is isolating you from your family and the emotional abuse

flumpybear · 02/01/2017 07:37

Yes physical and emotional - how DARE he stop you seeing your family just because he's fallen out with them!!!

moonoverthewater · 02/01/2017 07:42

You can ring the police and have an off the record chat about the incident last night*

No you can't have an off the record chat with police!

I would advise calling them though or women's aid

Original poster
Crazyhorse123 · 04/01/2017 22:52

I spoke to a social worker off the record who said that as it is a first event and minor he would not be removed just cautioned and then family services would interview us. I don't want to end up living with someone I am separated from. I have spoken with his mother and we are going to try an intervention for his mental health as following a conversation with a nurse I am also concerned he is not well. I will also see if relate can help. He has calmed down and thawed out a little but that does not alter what he has done and the control he attempts to exert. What do u think?

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