Why does this part of my childhood hurt more as I get older?

[Lollysuns]

I'm posting this as it's something that's bothered me increasingly as I've got older. I'm in my 30s now and can see friends with kids which has made me think about it even more. It is going to sound like such a small thing, but here goes..

My patents have never given me time to talk about anything. Examples; when I was bullied st school I stopped wanting to go in and one evening they went mad shouting and saying you should have talked to us. I began to talk to them and within minutes my mum said it was bedtime now and she was too tired to talk and I should have talked earlier. Maybe she had a point, but I was only 12 and it was something I was embarrassed about and hadn't talked about it until that point. The following day I tried to talk to them again and we did talk, but it was on a strict time frame. What I mean by that is as soon as ANYTHING happened that my mum or dad preferred to address, the conversation would stop. For instance, the phone would ring or they would seemingly get bored and want to 'get on with their day.' I don't mean general chats, I mean times when I needed my mum or dad to talk to about something specific. Another time I wanted to talk to my mum about being worried about swimming at school, and I began telling her in the car one day to the supermarket. As soon as we arrived she wanted the conversation to stop immediately. It always felt as if I was in the way, or was in a strict time frame and therefore not important enough for her to give to her time to talk. Other times she would shut a conversation down for coronation street or emerdale, and would explicitly tell me we could 'speak again in the ad breaks.'

It still happens now, and of course I'm old enough to seek support elsewhere but it stings that my parents cannot provide it. Recently I had a terrible time at work and I broke down one afternoon one weekend when they asked about it over lunch at their house. This was unusual for me as I rarely talk to my parents anymore about such things. The first four or five minutes they listened and engaged with me about it, then my mum said 'don't ruin lunch now, think about something else,' and just got up from her seat to get a drink. At this point I was in tears and wished I had pretended all was well.

I know this sounds so petty. And I'm lucky to even have family around me, and I know that if I don't like the way my family provide soppprt, then it's up to me to find it from friends - and I have some brilliant friends who do just that. I don't know why I struggle with it so much. I guess it's always felt I was an inconvenience, that I would be fitted in rather than prioritised. As I've got older I've found that strange as I don't see it in my friends with their children. But my parents certainly weren't bad parents.

I suppose my question really is... am I being too sensitive about this? Why does it feel worse as I get older and think back?

'yes and you made it very hard for us too'. Ooh crikey, this made me feel a bit sick to read, mine are like this too. Every difficult situation I have had has been a million worse for them, without fail. It is so painful to acknowledge that. I feel like I have been an inconvenience. But oddly, that overall as parents they were ok. Can't quite explain that, but I turned out alrightish so they can't have been that bad.

have you wondered whether they could be covert narcissists?

My sibling does this. She will say all the 'right' things, but you soon find out it's just an act.
During the 'conversation' she will give only mundane responses
Then-just before she switches topic - she will either lecture and pontificate, or just not reply to whatever you''re saying.

Games designed to put you in the 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' category.

It is a big thing and don't let anyone put you down as "over-sensitive".
What you are lacking is validation of your feelings. It's very important for us as human beings to feel heard and that we matter. That's why thousands of people go to counselling. It's the foundation of self-esteem. If your parents' won't give a flying fuck about your feelings and opinions then who will.
And your parents do appear to be lacking in empathy. ThisThing might be on to something. Your parents' shitty childhood is no excuse. If it was that bad and they loved you unconditionally they would not want you to feel ignored either.

What your parents are doing is shutting you down because they don't want to hear what you have to say because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Have you noticed it's all about them, not at all about you and your need to express yourself, let alone be comforted by them.
I believe it's called emotional abuse.

In my case my parents say it's because they care and don't want to be upset. But I don't want them to be upset either. Sometimes I just need comforting or someone to listen. I don't expect them to have all the answers.

I'm struggling with my mental health currently and have confided in my parents that I am thinking of taking antidepressants. They get so angry when I tell them this and just say 'we don't want to hear it'.

Right. RTFT. Defo google narcissistic parents. It goes hand in hand with a tendency towards depression and low self confidence in their children.
Out of the Fog website.
Books: Toxic Parents, Susan Forward
Will I Ever Be Good Enough, Dr Karyl McBride
The Emotionally Absent Mother, Jasmin Lee Cori
Running on Empty, Jonice Webb
Recovery of Your Inner Child, Lucia Cappachione
It's not you, it's them and it's not normal.

Mine are similar. Honestly that breeziness about not having time to discuss things is really familiar.

My parents were shit when my husband left me with 2 small children. I don't live with them, but it was frightfully inconvenient (not sure how) . I didn't ask for childcare or money. I can't think back to that time without getting cross.

There's always that raised eyebrows when expressing options on feelings, like it's really uncouth to talk about such matters.

Floopy,

Not sure if you have RTFT but my ex left me for a woman we both worked with last Christmas. He had cheated on me with her at the office party (I was there too) then I found out on Christmas Eve and he told me they were getting together.

My Mum was mostly angry and upset because 'I ruined another Christmas'. I admitted there had been problems in the relationship so therefore she didn't understand why I was upset at all.

She has been with my dad since she was 14 so I do sometimes wonder if she struggled to emphasise with heartache.

Yes I did read the thread. My mum was cross as my husband left under similar circumstances (family party). That look is etched on my brain forever.

Like oh really? Now of all times

My mother is like this as well. I guess now it's unreasonable of me to want support from her, well I don't. But it'd be nice if she just ''allowed'' me to feel what I feel. Right now I dislike my job and the management have been awful. She tells me that I'm paranoid and too sensitive and blah blah blah, she actually won't acknowledge that I am the one who is in the job and has met the people I'm talking about. Also, as I was on my own last night (nye) I made a comment about needing to meet somebody (which is an embarrassing thing to admit) as I am kind of isolated without a partner and she laughed. Like she wasn't listening. I said ''why are you laughing '' and she just changed the subject. Another time I was a bit down and she said what's the matter with you and I told her I was lonely and she said ''no you're not''.
She is OK, generous, funny, practical, helps me with the kids. But I am not allowed to feel what I feel. I have to feel what I'm told to feel.

Another thing I'm accused of is hypochondria. Well it's inferred. When I was at school I wasn't allowed to be sick. I used to win awards for 100% attendance even if i'd been dying for a fortnight. I have to have a cone biopsy soon and it's easier not to tell her.

I also just talk about the most general things with her and we're not close but she thinks we are (I think)

Are these parents ever wrong? Do they ever say sorry? And has anyone suffered in life as much as them? They can usually trump any woe you might have.

Quarter I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It sucks that the people who raised you aren't there for you.
In the same way that many books and movies portray unrealistically perfect happy romantic endings, they also give us the perfect family model i.e. Nurturing mother and hardworking caring father. Very few people I know have this IRL.
I am happiest now I rarely see my parents. I have good friends who do more to maintain my happiness levels than my DM is able to because of who she is and what she's been through. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me, but I long ago dropped any expectation that she could be an emotional support as she genuinely doesn't know what to do or say. To everyone who has parents like this, my advice is accept it and find another source of support... it's liberating to stop feeling disappointed.

I second reading "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori. It helped me enormously. Haven't read it in a few years but this thread has made me want to dip into it again. Not because of my relationship with my mum but because I find it a useful tool in ensuring that I don't parent in that way. A "Not To Do" checklist if you like. It really is a useful book.

I think you are minimising their behaviour, it is really horrible. I think for you to feel better about this you need to see their behaviour for what it is and that it doesn't reflect on you - they have been very bad parents in this, even if they did provide food and other things. This is all about their failings - god knows what is behind treating your daughter like this - not about your failings. The trick is to judge them badly not yourself, next time they do this. I've had similar from my mother and it's about her, not me. Then you need to mother yourself in the way she should have. This really isn't a small thing and you have every right to be upset about it. You could pity her for doing this to her own daughter, she has lost out on what could have been a great relationship, because you haven't had her support she won't have your support or just the minimum. It is totally understandable that you think it's a small thing because that's the effect of her behaviour, to make you feel like you're worthy only of being cut off and ignored and unfairly judged. Of course you deserve empathy and attention, every child deserves these, she was wrong to not give these things.

OP, I feel so much for you. Although my mum was brilliant my dad was a bit like this so I can imagine how it felt. Surprisingly now he is great and if I had a problem he would be there with some advice.

But I remember as a kid the feeling of being dismissed and it's definitely not a small thing. It shapes your self-worth, your feeling of "am I worth talking to?"

I've thought about it a lot in my life and I think it stems from 2 things:

-the generations before were more emotionally "stiff upper lip". To talk about one's emotions was seen as a weakness.

-a feeling of responsibility that as a parent you have to "fix" any unhappiness. I even catch myself doing this with DS when he says that he is unhappy I think "oh no. It's my fault and I have to offer a solution".

Bizarrely it made me slightly more dramatic as a kid as I would exaggerate to be "worthy of attention". Which kind of made the situation worse.

Anyway, please don't let it affect your self-worth. You sound like a really nice person who is definitely worth listening to and like PP say it wasn't anything to do with you as a person.

It's strange how easy it is to believe the lie that you are not worth listening to though. Rationally I know that that is unfair and unkind, but it doesn't stop a continuing, niggling doubt in my mind that I have nothing of interest to say. I notice that sometimes I talk very fast before I lose the interest of the other person, or I just say nothing as I don't think it is interesting enough to say. I think I will read some of those books.

I would swing between very quiet or overly dramatic. Neither approach worked really, there was always an underlying feeling that I should just get on with it.

I think it might be a generational thing too. I don't think they had heart to hearts with their parents and tended to put up a front that things were ok and that instead of talking about things, do something about it or make the most of it.

I cannot think of a situation where I would not want to listen to my children if they were upset, or needed some sort of support. My boys are aged 16-21 now, but that's been true ever since they were born.

The situations I've read about on this thread are awful. A parent who won't talk to their distressed child because the parent does not want to be upset is not a good parent.

Every single one of us deserves love and compassion and kindness. Every single one of us.

If your parents won't listen to you or talk to you about your problems there's no point in keeping on trying to get them to do so. They won't change, and you'll only expose yourself to more hurt and sadness by trying. Get some sort of counselling if you can; recognise you're lovely and deserve better; and do all you can to avoid internalising and believing the negative messages your parents' neglect give you.

It would never cross my mind to seek emotional support from my parents.

Only in middle age have I realised this is atypical

I wonder how much it is a generational thing. It's too simple to just say that it's all down to the parent's own upbringing, I think, as there seem to be many of us who wouldn't dream of not listening to our own children (if we have children) even though we don't have this type of supportive relationship with our own parents.

I agree with ballpark that it can be a feeling on the parents part that they need to "fix" any problems their children bring up. This in itself is a very self centered way of looking at things and I don't know how much it helps to understand this, perhaps it does?

My parents are very similar. My mother really only likes to talk about herself, and shuts down any other subject & my father doesn't like to talk about anything at all.

I came to the conclusion that they had no support growing up and have no idea how to give it.

In the past I explained to my mum how friendship works - give and take - I listen to and support her thus she does the same for me. But it always ended the same way - me feeling like I was forcing her to listen.

There are plenty of other people in my life who are better to talk to, so I gave up.

So my advice OP is accept it - they're not going to change. Stop going to them hoping for something that they might give something they never have. Turn to others whose support you can count on.

I wonder how much it is a generational thing

I think it's partly that. Stiff upper lip and total inability to talk about emotional issues is very last century English.

However, some of my parents' generation are brilliant at it.

If your parents won't listen to you or talk to you about your problems there's no point in keeping on trying to get them to do so. They won't change, and you'll only expose yourself to more hurt and sadness by trying. Get some sort of counselling if you can; recognise you're lovely and deserve better; and do all you can to avoid internalising and believing the negative messages your parents' neglect give you.
This ^

Mine were similar, it's rubbish, but the chances of them changing are V slim, they probably aren't capable, even if they tried to.

It is great that u have emerged as a more functional person who is in touch with their emotions, and can empathise with others, and have been able to identify that their responses are inappropriate. That allows u to distance yourself and seek support elsewhere (and I would make it a rule never to get into discussion on things that are bothering u with them, because it's a pattern that's leads to disappointment).
You r also being very kind and fair in acknowledging that they did a lot of good practical stuff for u as a child; this shows that they didn't set out to be evil, they just didn't have the skills to be emotionally supportive. It's a real shame, but in a similar situation I just had to let it be and accept that they are what they are; you have time to grow and be happy, but they won't be able to become great parents - find support elsewhere.