Husband cheated on boxing day after first good Xmas in a few years

[Bibliophagist]

Sorry this is going to be quite long because I feel like I need to give some history to be able to get the best advice. Thanks for taking the time to read this knowing so.

Well I have been married to my DH for almost 7yrs & it's not been without it's difficulties in fact that's something we've always said to each other that we're strong enough to get past things because we have been through so much in our relationship/marriage.

In my childhood my mum was always with different men, who just weren't any good for her or us kids. I am the oldest so had to deal with seeing & hearing the arguments, DV etc & because I'm 6yo than my next sibling I mind of much more than them, I've always felt like the parent to my Mum rather than the other way around. When I was 14 she was drinking a lot, i was left with my baby brother all weekend & sometimes my sister, things spiralled then she got with a guy 10yr her junior (he was 23) & my family hated it as everything got much much worse! There relationship was just drink & drug fuelled, didn't know each other sober. He was arrested for a serious sexual assault after only 6mth of them being together mum decided to stay with him, his father then sexually assaulted me at 16, fast forward to now & my DH had been a massive support when my mum wasn't, he was always there unlike others.
We have 5 kids in total, I have 2 older kids with an ex partner & he has an older son with an ex. Together we have two young boys. X
My DH has had a difficult past & when many others didn't want to know I was there for him & stood beside him I couldn't have helped him anymore if I tried, yet at times I do feel he has taken the p* so to speak. His family didn't include him in much because of his negative lifestyle choices in the past & my life ended up mirroring his for a while though I'm glad to say I've been away from that life a while now though it made us lose a lot. even our home & kids at one point. We have had several miscarriages over the course of our relationship + this year was the 1st yr I had been invited to my MIL for Xmas! This is because of the progress & changes he's made to his life. His family can see he means it although this is good I lost touch with my friends from before etc & our social circle is mostly family. Our life was changing for the good yet after looking forward to the best Xmas in a few years he spoiled a good memory for me 😦😭
I had a feeling something wasn't right, he was lying about things I knew were lies! Other things I couldn't be as certain, after confronting him several different times I ended up checking his phone & found messages between him & a girl I know that was an associate with us both. This was the list thing I expected. He's been cheated on in the past & had told me from the beginning that he wasn't like that.k!

Sorry wasn't finished. I confronted him with the text as although it didn't say what has happened between them it suggested more. In my shock I actually thought the text came from her though it was him that sent it- i genuinely like you.. But it'd be hard as we both have fam etc. Basically instigating an affair without saying these words. He was surprised I think bc I had found out, I knew it was wrong to check the phone but it was only as I knew he was lying! It made it worse bc I checked the phone after being intimate with him & him being asleep after it. I woke him up & we talked though I didn't get too much info bc he said there was something's I didn't need to know. Anyway I had asked him the next day if he wanted to fight for our marriage and if so then it meant there wasn't anything to happen anymore with them (it was only meant to be a kiss) the usual stuff.. He agreed I kept saying to him that I'd rather it was over & he was with her or someone if he didn't want to be with me rather than have a messy love triangle - or worse bc she has a on/off bf. He's now put a code on his phone but has agreed to try counselling or the like and days it was nothing between them & he's told her this but I secretly know this code and have seen other messages she asked him who had sent these 'weird messages' & if it was 'me' to tell me to grow up which he's replied no it wasn't it was me mind she's not got my code.. Idk though what he sent her though I had asked him if he'd send a message saying he didn't want to see her, we were working things out but it happened in bed so I didn't make him do it then and it wasn't mentioned the next day. So I can't help but wonder what it was and also this was on Thursday and she asked him if he was spending hogmanay with me which he didn't answer & just said he'd call her tomorrow night which was meant to be Friday night as far as I'm aware this didn't happen as we were together tonight with his eldest staying over. Please help me as I am struggling with what to do. Although this house is for us both his name is on the tenancy, the money is in his name everything I would have to start from scratch all over again which I'm quite scared off especially when Dir a number of years we were only each others support. If you want anymore info please ask and I'll be happy to answer so sorry for the long messages

You found out he'd been interested in starting things up with another woman, told him you knew, and his response was to make it hard for you to look at his phone and then carry on contacting her?

This is what it boils down to, regardless of the long and complex history.

Are you happy to stay with someone you can't trust?

So reading between the lines
He's been excluded from his family for his past behaviour; drugs/alcohol I'm guessing
You got sucked in to his lifestyle and in the process lost your home and your older children either to care or relatives
You support him through everything and he takes the piss
He's now cheating on you
He sounds like the booby prize to be honest. Relationships aren't meant to be this hard.

Why are you with him? because of history? That's no reason to stay. You know what you need to do. Get some fire in your belly and get packing.

It sounds as though you do not know what a healthy relationship should be like, going by your childhood. Your husband also has his own issues - and I am guessing that neither of you have really worked through things separately so that you can have a healthy relationship together - for yourselves and your children.
Though you have supported each other at times, without trust and honesty you can not hope to have a happy relationship.
He is currently being economical with the truth, evasive and shows no signs of wanting to make amends.
Possibly this is because he knows you will accept so little because you are scared to leave him.
Being each others support in an unhealthy relationship equals co-dependency, not genuine care.
You need to either both work really hard on improving things, or if you don't feel he will do this, you need to leave - staying, without anything changing, will just bring you (and your children) more of the same.

He's initiated an affair OP, he's then fobbed you off saying it was only meant to be a kiss? Hmm, I wonder where he ended up kissing her? This hasn't just been a lost in the moment kind of scenario. There has been planning and deceit. He's invested his time and emotions in this woman. When you challenge him, rather than being upfront, he puts a code on his phone? That's the polar opposite to being open and honest...

If he had nothing to hide? Why put a code on his phone?

Whatever has happened in the past is irrelevant. We all have a past that can not be altered. But, he's cheating in the here and now.

You can only work on a marriage/relationship if two people want it to work. It doesn't sound like he does.

Do you think he really does want to be in a relationship judging by his actions to date? Try to exclude his words and concentrate on his actual actions. He might be saying all the correct things...but, they are mere words. Without the actions to back up the words, they are meaningless.

Google 'pick me dance' OP

Don't make him feel that he's some kind of prize to be faught over. He's not, he's a cheat.

As PPs have said, this boils down to trust. He appears to be having some sort of affair and is taking steps to conceal it. If you thought his behaviour was acceptable you wouldn't be posting this.

It sounds like you have had a very hard life so I am really sorry that he is not giving you the support and security you need now.

Y h most of what you posted is irrelevant.

You've been together a few years, you've had difficult times and now he's cheated on you.

Don't stay because of other hard times you've got through. He's taking the piss.

Get shot of him.

If he was apologetic and told you everything and stopped lying then maybe he deserves a second chance. It doesn't read like he was any of those things.

Get legal advice.

I don't know if I've not explained things clearly what happened is he was out, kissed this person obviously i didn't know then after he came home & we were intimate when he'd fell asleep I checked the phone then and the message like I said didn't say it in they words but actually had 'I genuinely like you.. Maybe we could be something but it'd be hard as we both have fam etc..' I had then spoke with him about this he told me they just had a kiss (it happened in his ex house while he was dropping DS home and had stayed for a cuppa as we get on.. I don't worry about this normally & was told she wasn't in the room when it happened) & tbh I don't know but I don't think it could have went further when there was his son, ex & her other child there too.

Early the next day I went out to a friend and talked with her, we spoke to the person in question. Though when I was home later we talked again bc it had been through the night. Things were calmer we decided to work through it but the code was put on after this. He told her he was wanting to sort things out with me & that it was a mistake.

I'm sorry if you feel it's irrelevant but it's not because the point is like I said I'd have to start from scratch i don't have anything as such. My house isn't only mine neither are belongings I know I'm scared to start again and be alone too probably if I'm honest with myself yet it's more than that.

As for these issues things have improved greatly in that regards, I have shared care with my kids and I've been free of any issues for near 2yr, I'm working towards getting kids full time & have been attending counselling this past few months to help with my childhood & other things so I think I'm very much on my way or there already to be independent. I know about codependency & did wonder if we had that before.

I'm also so worried about if we split what would happen with everything especially the kids, I'd have to go in to a hostel or something until I was rehoused which takes forever, because of this I wouldn't get my nights with the kids etc & I'm trying to get this increased at the minute.
I can't even apply for a bigger house without having the kids in my care (need to receive child benefit) so it's a catch 22 & I feel like I'd be alone, I don't talk with my family much b& with the situation with my mum it makes things difficult at times yet she had her own issues which I told my aunts yet none of them have done something about it.

Thanks everyone for your comments can I ask your opinion please when I wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or her & he did stay but i told him I'd rather he go if he wanted, to her or not; than lead me on. Yet idk but I "feel" like there's still something there?

He did apologize and was saying he was an idiot, it wouldn't happen again. That he just made a mistake & we're strong enough to get past it. He is doing things to make me trust him to everyday yet it's just my doubt's I think lol

He basically has no intention of remaining faithful OP...when you found out he should have called her in front of you then deleted her number and BEGGED for forgiveness!

Not put a code on his phone! You shouldn't put up with that!

I understand that everyone knows as I do that I'm with better but at the same time I'm worried for my life afterwards & how all this will affect them as if I'm in a homeless place I can't have them to stay etc, I have worked very hard to get where I am & so is my DH but i really don't want to jueperdise what is happening with the kids as I'll go back to shorter times etc. He was sorry, we've talked a lot tonight some 1 text pretending to be this girl & the texts weren't of her phone it was an unknown number & wouldn't say who they were so we stopped texting and nothing he thought it might be me being someone to test him lol

If he truly wants to work it out and is remorseful, then he would :

Be transparent with passwords
He'd go no contact with her
He'd be reassuring you he loves you
He'd be begging your forgiveness

Doesn't sound like he's done any of the above.

And this

Yet idk but I "feel" like there's still something there?

Does he mean there's still something there with you or the OW?

Either one would piss me off BTW.

Could you tell him you need some space to think and ask if he would move out for a month or so?

Do you work?
Start getting the moneyin joint namesor you'll get screwed over.

Make him realise that his actions, could lead to the end of the relationship.

we're strong enough to get past things because we have been through so much in our relationship/marriage

AKA you've been prepared to put up with all his crap. Nothing to do with the relationship being strong.

Please stop deluding yourself.

You're getting yourself so bogged down with so much irrelevant detail, and can't see the wood for the trees. Meanwhile your DH doesn't give a monkeys about your feelings.

Please seek RL support and lose the fear of being alone, all he's doing is dragging you down.

You're much better off without him, trust me on that one.

Bibliophagist When I suggested you get legal advice I was not advocating LTB (well not at this stage anyway) I was advising you to go and get the information you needed to look at the situation realistically with all the pros and cons laid out before you, from qualified people.

I would suggest he has a vasectomy as you already have 5 children between you and you say you have had more miscarriages. Unless you are trying for more? It does sound as though you don't need any further complications in your life and need your energy to rebuild things. It sounds as if you are working hard to do this.
I get the sense that there is more fear of how you will manage without him in a practical sense rather than losing him because you love him. He is or very soon will cheat on you judging by his actions.
I would get your ducks lined up in readiness to leave. Go talk to Citizens advice and the like and sort out your options. Good luck.

Please don't bring more children into this disfunctional situation.

Sounds like you have been through a huge amount already in your life op, and been very strong. You need to carry on being strong now for the sake of your children.

Just because only his name is on the tenancy agreement, does that mean that you would have to leave? I assume that you are the main carer for the children that are living with you - surely he should be the one to move out? (I don't know much about this but I'm sure someone will be along who does). Also, the fact that you are married must mean that you are entitled to a share of any money - the fact that it's in his name has nothing to do with it. (Although I don't think you should have allowed that to happen - whatever happens in the future make sure that your name is on everything).

I agree with others that you seem more worried about your future (understandably) than upset about losing him. Maybe - just maybe - you would be happier without him in the long run.

I am concerned that he decides what you can and cannot know. He said there were things you don't need to know.

When you say the most ey is in his name, how do you mean? No joint bank account?

If you want to leave, is there someone you could talk the housing situation through with? A social worker, for example? To look at the Cstch22 over your housing and children?

When you say you have a string marriage because you have been through a lot, are you sure you don't mean that together you have very low expectations of happiness? It seems to me that you have endured a lot, and by you I mean you not both of you. You go into some detail about your Mum and what happened in the spiral of destruction in her relationship with the 23 year old. Did she see herself as having been through a lot and therefore strong with him??? Reading between the lines of your much less detailed references to your difficulties, it sounds as if under your DH's influence you went into a similar spiral. This doesn't make you strong together, it just chains you to a man who will drag you to the bottom.

If he is learning to do without drugs / drink to prop him up, is he looking for admiration from other women to boost his ego?