I think I've just left my marriage of almost 20 years

[RufusTiger]

Fuck.
Been together since we were 19; now 42.

Always had volatile patches. At its worst, Mr RT would get physical. The last time was after my 40th, when he thought I was too drunk to remember, and he hit me. I vowed then it would never happen again.

Tonight, just over 2 years later we got into a row. I was pushing my side of the argument. It ended up with him cornering me and physically pushing me back against the wall. I screamed blue murder, grabbed a bag full of stuff and am in an Ibis. I've never left like this before.

I don't know what happens now. I am horrid and argumentative. I know that. But I don't want to be physically bullied.

We're meant to be providing courses at an NYE dinner with friends tomorrow. I know he'll expect me to slink home in the morning, or he'll apologise, and smooth it over. But I don't know that I want to.

We have a lovely apartment though. And 3 cats.

*sigh. He was yelling at me about mumsnet as I left. I honestly think here gave me the push to do so this time...

It is absolutely not ok to be punched or pushed however argumentative you were being. Well done for being so brave xxx

Congratulations Rufus. Have a glass of wine and just try and breathe and think about what you want to do next.

But maybe consider a name change? If he knows you're on Mumsnet could you be logged in on any devices you left at home? If so, don't give him any insights into what you're thinking or planning by talking using this name. Get the thread pulled and start something else.

and and good wishes in the meantime.

Good for you for getting it off there and giving yourself time and space to think about what you do want.

Do you have children together?

Well done for getting away, things can't get any worse tonight. You need time and space to get perspective, and that won't happen overnight but take a deep breath and congratulate yourself for getting this far. Being horrid and argumentative is a completely different ball game to physically hurting someone, and nothing ever justifies you being hit.

Well done op. Don't slink home. Decide what you want to do next.

Thanks all. I'm absolutely not an angel, so I don't want to paint myself as such. No kids in this. I have my own reasons for this, some of which are because i recognized the demands on me could cause issues. (This may be an unfair assumption).

I appreciate the advice to name change. I'm honestly not in danger. I feel a bit self indulgent posting now, tbh. I'm in a very lucky position of having lots of options. I just felt a bit shaken and 'oh fuck'.

Thank you all xxx

You're not self-indulgent. Don't slink home. Don't make excuses to your friends. Be honest. He will expect you to cover for him out of misplaced shame. He should be the one who is ashamed of himself.

Also, don't be tempted to minimise this. I imagine that you have had much more controlling behaviour than the incident of violence and the physical intimidation that you experienced tonight. You know what you experiences, and you know how he wanted to make you feel i.e. threatened, frightened and intimidated enough to back down. Well you didn't, you got the hell out of there which was exactly the right thing to do.

Just because you were 'pushing your argument' does not mean that he has some justification for this, and no-one else apart from him will see it that way. I'm sure he'll paint himself as the victim here - refuse to fall for that.

You're bound to feel shaken, as this is a big step. He is the one who has caused it.

I agree with those who say tell your friends exactly why you aren't coming. No excuses for him.