anyone else destroyed by unloving parents/childhood?

[happyfrown]

I know nothing I say about the past will make my 'now' better and I know I should let the past go, but its with me all the time. in my parenting of my own kids and attitude to life and mental health. my past wakes up with me every day.
my mum was/ is cold, unloving, my dad was part time when it suited and priorities were right. I actually did enjoy every second with him though.
wasn't close to either sisters, brother and I were always together but I moved out when I was 18 and we drifted apart.
my dads side of the family has never accepted me and my mum disowned most of her side. my nan (mums mum) told my mum she didn't like me. my mum actually called me to tell me! why would you do that? what you don't know don't hurt and all that. I don't even know what id done? we hardly ever saw her, why just me? not my sis or brother??
I had my first ds young, just 19. to be honest I had ds1 to show my mum how to raise kids and partly to piss her of that ive left home and do what I want.
karma came right back at me because it backfired and Im bringing them up exactly the same! I have no love in me, no emotions, I don't enjoy being a parent. it might be the mental health side not letting me. which I think is hereditary, mums relationship with her mum was the same with same upbringing.
I feel so alone, I cant see a happy future. feels like I cant offer nothing to the dc's. on dds birthday in the summer she opened her presents and 'said ''is any one else coming?'' I told her no its just us. I broke down in tears in my room. its the same with ds's birthday, Christmas.
when dd is invited to school parties there is a house full of family and friends. I have nothing to give, I cant even smile. wish I never had children because then it would only be me lonely and wouldn't have to see the kids so alone.
with my mind health I cant handle lots of people and I struggle with the kids, so when they ask friends to come over more often than not I say no! which I know is wrong. as im crying about them being alone!
my head is so tired, don't even expect anything from this post I just have no one to talk to.

ds1 has had his friend in all evening (is now a sleep over ) and dd has constantly hounded them, theres been doors slammed and 'go away!' yelled all night, then dd comes down stairs crying, promptly followed by ds2 come to dig while shes crying.

Oh wow. Soft play then. Take a good book and feel comforted in the fact that she's not trashing your house! (Although obviously that needs to stop- she'll get bored of the fact that she is ruining her things.)

For somebody with no support you are doing great. Be a bit kinder to yourself.

Ah that's a toughie- you cant blame DS1 for wanting rid of her if he's got friends over. (Although is that normal that there's just an unannounced sleepover?)

Just keep everything quiet downstairs. Take DD back to her room. Nice and quiet. She'll want to gab but it's not for now, it's far too late. DS2 the same.

Just a calm escort back to the bedroom and no more- don't get drawn in.

Oops i can totally see my nan saying it to be honest, she never made an effort to talk to me and when i was older never wanted to meet my dcs. i did ask my mum what her reply was, she said nothing but maybe she should of? er you think?!! i said to my mum if you called me to say you don't like one of my kids, it would be the last time you spoke to me!

she doesn't like my dcs, has never said it but i can tell when i do (once in a blue moon) visit they seem to be a hindrance more than a joy.

yes im scared that ive failed like my mother, id like to think she was stronger than me cos she kept going until we left home. BUT when we all went into care for a while she said she didn't want us back - was the fact that our dad and family refused to take us she took us back.
i WISH just wish they had put me with another family.

troll im completely on ds1 side, have repeatedly told her to leave him alone. at one point in crying mode said ' i wish i wasn't breathing' told her not to be silly and he wants to be with his friend.
with the sleep over, his mum (well gran) always has ds1 over and is part of her furniture! so couldn't say no. ds1 isn't really any trouble - if not provoked that is.

the calm thing i need to master, i turn into the hulk. my moods can go from screaming to crying in minutes.

I think DD is picking up on your mood swings and so uses excessive behaviour to get what she wants - because she's witnessed it being the only thing that's been effective for you.

Little steps. Little steps. But you are so full of love. It's blatant. You're nothing like your family and THIS is not how things have to be. It can be so much better with a bit of work

yes i agree, she is a teary girl, ds2 is an angry child. they definitely know they get away with such behaviour with me being so numb half the time.

i do hope it gets better.

You're so switched on. I have every faith in you. If you want it to be better it can be. Everyone will be happier for it. It won't be easy but you deserve it.

Picture ahead to when they're all lovely well adjusted adults with nice children and a loving grandma. You can have everything. Your kids can have everything you didn't have. Isn't that amazing?

Have you ever thought you my have Aspergers? ASD has a lot of the symptoms your describing.

Sorry things are so hard for you.

thankyou troll

twinklefoot i was diagnosed with bpd/eupd although i have been asked that on here before. i had a quick look as i don't really know much about asd. the communication is an issue, i do find it hard to get words out and get frustrated when i cant put a sentence together. can remember being like this from childhood. ive always put this down to anxiety though. i often say my teenage son has better vocabulary than me.

i struggle to take things in and learn. but again thinking anxieties stop this.

there was a section i read that describes me to a tee! i'll cut and post...

It can be difficult for people with ASD to find a job. For example, they may find the work environment too noisy, or travelling to work may be too stressful because of the crowds. Sudden changes in routine can also be upsetting.

i cant do crowds, rooms of strangers and especially changes! i get worried and intrusive thoughts if i don't know where im going. but i know we are not to self diagnose and was hard enough getting the health team to look more into my health than just telling me i was depressed and anxious!

I almost was. Luckily I realised in time (a lot of time, i.e. aged 40+) that I can love myself as well as anyone else.

Good luck OP.

thankyou eek sorry to hear and glad your ok now. hope your future is bright x

happyfrown I only mentioned it because I probably have this but self-diagnosed in my 40s. You should try a couple of the online tests. I was put on antidepressants in my 20s which looking back was ridiculous as if I had known what was wrong with me I might not have been so anxious and subsequently depressed.

twinkle i was going to the gp telling them how i was feeling, but all they kept telling me was that im depressed and take anti d's. it took over a year to get them to listen as i thought there was more to it, i have mood swings, obsessions, compulsive phases and spending issues. it was a relief to know im not just depressed, not that im proud to be labelled with any mh issue. so mentioning asd they would grunt at me for trying to self diagnose. they would prefer i just shut up, take my ad's and deal with it.

happy - I'm sorry you had such a shite therapist the last time. If you're in, or anywhere near, a big city, try some of the reputable therapy training institutes, which often offer far, far lower rates for those who cannot afford full fees. (If you're in London, I can recommend somewhere specific that is very good.)

I got the therapy through gp referal? I couldn't afford private, I wish I could. I always joke that any therapist will need their own after an hour with me.

Hopefully your gp referral ensures that the therapy is medium-, rather than short-, term. I know of at least one place where therapy can be as little as £5 an hour depending on your income. Many training institutes will do this.

I never knew it was as low as that, don't know why ive always thought its expensive.
im not in London, im in Essex. and I don't drive. to get to my therapy used to take around 1 hr 40mins - 2hrs!